• Jan. 3: Police were called at 12:13 p.m. to a suspicious circumstances report in the 700 block of MBB at Lighthouse Liquors. According to logs, the store clerk said a man he’d never seen before, walked in and “dumped an unknown foul smelling substance on the floor.” The apparent stink bomber fled the scene before police arrived to rub his nose in it.

• Jan. 4: Police towed a trailer parked too long on Allesandro. They towed a white 30-foot Fleetwood RV from the 1000 block of Quintana parked outside Megan’s CBD Market store, no doubt a case of “I got stoned and I missed it…”

• Jan. 14: Police were called at 4:24 p.m. to Lila Keiser Park where a man said he discovered his juvenile daughter and her little boy friend smoking the evil weed with an adult. Logs indicated marijuana and of course video footage of the scandal were recovered at the scene and a report was sent to the D.A.’s Office, in the latest example of why they call it dope.

• Jan. 26: Police got a call at 2:41 p.m. from a guy in the 1700 block of Embarcadero who found the upper half of a shotgun and the lower half of a flare gun, which adds up to two worthless hunks of metal.

• Feb. 17: Police responded at 10:30 a.m. to a trespassing report in the 400 block of Morro. Logs indicated a citizen complained about some fellow trespassing on his property who was “intentionally causing damage to a sprinkler.” The victim wanted police to document the Morro Bay felony

• Feb. 26: Police responded at 5:09 p.m. to the 300 block of MBB where a store clerk said some moron came in and threatened to “take money from the cash register,” a classic case of telegraphing your punches.

• March 7: Police responded at 12:20 p.m. to a convenience store in the 900 block of MBB for a theft report. Logs indicated a juvenile boy wearing a short grey and white, camouflage, zip-up hoodie walked into the store grabbed some beer and beat feet out the door. The chiquito bandito got away.

• March 13: At 9:19 a.m., Albertson’s reported three shoplifters in the store all at once. No arrests of the hole in the head gang.

• March 21: A woman in Van Nuys told police that her debit card was used several times in one day, apparently in Morro Bay, with the loss of approximately $3,557.94, no doubt a record for 1-day shopping by a tourist in this town.

• March 22: Police responded at 8:10 a.m. to Atascadero Road where some apparently disturbed fellow was reportedly standing in the middle of the road cursing at people passing by, like THEY’RE the crazy ones. The fooliot was cited for suspicion of disorderly conduct and released to further spread the joy.

• April 6: A citizen in the 500 block of Fresno told police that some scoundrel passed her a “$100 novelty bill” at her yard sale and apparently escaped into the havoc of Yard Sale Weekend.

• April 9: Police responded at 7:19 p.m. to a rather disturbing incident in the 700 block of Harbor. Logs indicated a 54-year-old apparent juice weasel was found “passed out on the ground with soiled pants and an empty alcohol container next to him,” no doubt quite a sight to behold.

• April 20: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 10 p.m. traipsing up the 300 block of Surf St. Logs indicated the 53-year-old stumblebum was arrested for suspicion of being deep in the horrors, but the train wreck was taken to the hospital first, “…due to falling down and causing self-inflicted injuries to his face,” and then hopefully to a padded cell.

• April 26: At 3:42 p.m. a pair of juveniles at Rockies Teen Center who were apparently in the midst of sharing a green moment, but no doubt had a brown moment in their freakin’ pants when police busted them and called their proud parents.

• May 24: A woman in the 300 block of Surf told police that some sneak thief stole things out of her room while she was on a 22-day vacation at Club Hoosegow.

• May 28: Some tourist lost his or her passport, which is just great, now they’ll never leave.

• May 31: A citizen in the 700 block of Anchor reported fraudulent charges on his Capital One credit card, a case of “Who’s in your wallet?”

• June 7: At 1:45 a.m. at Beach and Embarcadero, police watched some stumblebum tumble to the pavement, struggle to get back up, and then allegedly try to squeeze his arm through a “slightly open” truck window belonging to someone else. The 56-year-old bloopers highlight film went to the gaol to sleep it off.

• July 4: Police contacted a familiar fellow, 31, at 11:30 p.m. at Beach and Monterey who had a warrant and lost his freedom on Independence Day.

• July 11: A disorderly woman was reported at 5:12 p.m. in the 700 block of Butte. Logs indicated the 36-year-old woman was nicked for suspicion of being sheet-faced and resisting arrest, because you can’t shovel water with a pitchfork.

• July 25: Some scoundrel vandalized an innocent vehicle in the 1100 block of Main. Another serial killer vandalized a potted plant in the 3000 block of Main and the next morning, some other Dahmer vandalized a liquor store in the 900 block of Main.

• Aug. 4: At 10:47 p.m. in the 1000 block of Monterey police responded to an explosive report of the detonation of an explosive device. But the investigation apparently bombed, as no arrests were made.

• Aug. 10: A woman in the 800 block of Market told police her ex-boyfriend broke her windshield, which no doubt explains the “ex” part.

• Aug. 21: Police contacted a woman at 5:30 p.m. at Motel 6 in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. The 78-year-old scofflaw had a misdemeanor warrant from 1997, which no doubt slipped her mind. She was issued a notice to appear, and will no doubt get there in 2025.

• Sept. 1: Police responded at 2 p.m. to a disturbance in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd. Logs indicated a 58-year-old lady inebriate was advised to cease and de-shut up. She was hauled to the nick for allegedly being a public nuisance on the razzle.

• Aug. 15: Police were notified at 9:21 p.m. of a domestic dustup in the 3200 block of Main. Logs indicated a woman said her apparent boyfriend “poured a cup of hot tea” on her back before leaving the apartment. She didn’t want to file a report, and understandably wanted no further contact with the feculent, back-scalding, knuckle dragger.

• Sept. 23: Police responded to a domestic dustup at 10:28 p.m. in the 1500 block of Main where a woman said she followed her mother to a residence where she started “arguing with her about her life choices,” an apparent case of who’s the adult in this picture? The mother allegedly “drove directly at the victim’s vehicle causing her to be fearful that the suspect was going to ‘ram’ her vehicle,” according to logs. Of course no arrests were made.

• Sept. 27: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:13 p.m. in the 2700 block of Greenwood. Logs indicated a 52-year-old apparent veteran Bacchanalian was arrested for suspicion of driving fit-shaced, as she allegedly blew a .387, which is drunk enough for four.

• Sept. 28: Police contacted a suspicious man at 1 p.m. in the 1500 block of Main. Logs indicated the 38-year-old apparent all star had a warrant, which led to the discovery of suspected heroin, methamphetamine, drug paraphernalia and his arrest, for as Confucius never said, “Man with bench warrant, best not to stuff drugs down pants.”

• Oct. 3: Logs indicated that a 43-year-old woman walked into the police station and filed a false police report, an apparent case of liar, liar pants on fire

• Oct. 15: Police responded at 3:45 p.m. to a reported assault in the 500 block of Embarcadero. Logs indicated a man said his soon-to-be-former co-worker struck him in his kisser several times with a shovel, breaking his jaw.

• Oct. 19: Someone in the 1200 block of Embarcadero was no doubt shocked at 12:44 p.m. when he or she backed his or her car into an electrical box.

• Oct. 26: Police responded to a report of a woman behaving badly at 11:42 p.m. at Main and Quintana, whom logs said, “jumped into a vehicle stopped at a stop light.” The apparent reverse-hitch-hiker was field tested for possible drug use because of her behavior and arrested for suspicion of rope-a-dope.

• Oct. 30: A citizen in the 500 block of Shasta said someone stole his tool.

• Nov. 1: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 2:10 a.m. in Lila Keiser Park. Logs indicated a woman, 38, was rousted for illegal camping, alleged possession of suspected heroin and “polluting a waterway” — don’t ask…

• Nov. 18: Police responded at 11 a.m. to a suspicious subject report in the 400 block of Atascadero Rd., at Estero Bay RV park. Logs indicated they found a man, 34, passed out underneath a parked RV. His vehicle was parked blocking a driveway, where police discovered a woman, 28, apparently passed out inside, no doubt indicators of an eventful night. He was allegedly UTI and arrested. She was apparently left holding the hookah and also taken for a photo shoot at the County lock up.

• Nov. 22: Police and fire responded at 1:47 p.m. for a public accident in the 200 block of MBB. An elderly gent did a face plant into a planter box and mangled his kisser. The tripper went to the hospital via ambulance for treatment.

• Nov. 22: Police responded at 11 p.m. lights and siren to The Siren bar in the 900 block of Main for a disturbed imbiber. Logs indicated they contacted an apparently bent fellow who was tossed to the nick for flapping his gums and flexing his beer muscles.

• Dec. 6: Police responded at 6:16 p.m. to the Mobile on Morro Bay Boulevard where some fellow was accused of ordering $100 in Lotto Tickets and then not paying for them, leaving the store to cover his inevitable losses. Logs indicated police caught up to the alleged larcenous Lotto player and determined it was “a non-criminal act,” the Lottery itself no doubt being the real thief here.

• Dec. 13: Police responded at 8:21 p.m. to the 900 block of Main where they arrested someone for alleged public drunkenness and “defecating in public,” as they no doubt thought they were in San Francisco.

• Dec. 18: Police arrested a local hooligan for suspected vandalism after the dingus was spotted allegedly tagging a City bench, at 8:12 p.m. in the middle of town at Main and MB. The 20-year old allegedly had spray cans, markers and other tools of the trade with him. His moniker tag, “Sicko” was discovered at many other locations in town — Cloisters Park, Manfredo Square among them — so the graffidiot was charged with 16 counts of alleged vandalism.

• Dec. 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd. at midnight. A 47-year-old women was arrested for suspicion of driving enchanted and Cinderella missed the ball entirely.