• March 22: Police responded to a disturbance at 5:14 p.m. in the 2700 block of Greenwood. Logs indicated some apparent scamboogah violated a judge’s stay-the-hell-away order.

• March 22: Undisclosed items were stolen overnight from unlocked cars in the 900 block of Marina, the 2800 block of Alder, 1125 Balboa, and the 2597 Laurel, as the crime wave continues unabated.

• March 20: At 3:47 p.m. police responded to a hit-n-split car crash at Pecho Street and Kern Avenue. Logs indicated a 30-year-old woman was arrested for suspicion of hit-run while driving battered. She was taken to the stationhouse for fingerprints and released to a sober friend.

• March 20: Police responded to the 900 block of MBB where some arch villain stole money out of a coin-op vending machine.

• March 20: Police responded at 8:52 a.m. to the 300 block of MBB. Logs indicated an apparently upset citizen was given the 72-hour VIP treatment at County Mental Health.

• March 20: At 5:27 a.m. police responded to a domestic disturbance in the 1000 block of Main. Logs indicated they documented a case of alleged domestic battery no doubt heading for divorce court.

• March 19: Police were tipped off that a runaway teenager from Santa Maria was staying at a motel in the 1200 block of Main. Officers located the apparent minx. She told police a 19-year-old man had rented the room for her for several weeks, as police pipped at the post their apparent little party.

• March 18: Stop the PRESSES!!! Someone found a key fob. Someone else found a brown lady’s wallet in the Albertson’s parking lot. And someone also found a license plate. And in this week’s X-Files, a man said he found five $1 bills in his bill change machine that appear to have been burnt. Police are seeking the burnt bill burglar.

• March 18: A man came to the police station and said his estranged wife was missing.

• March 16: Police got a call at 8:57 a.m. from a woman in Knoxville Tenn., who said her son was missing. Logs indicated the missing son called his momma within a couple hours of her report. Police then contacted the son and advised him he needed to show himself in person in order to cancel the missing person report, an apparent case of you ain’t found ‘til we says you is found.

• March 15: Police responded at 3:35 a.m. to a disturbance at a motel in the 200 block of Beach. Logs indicated an apparently choleric woman, 29, was tossed into the dungeon for suspicion of being schwacked on drugs.

• March 14: Police contacted a suspicious woman at 11:30 p.m. at Quintana and MBB. Logs indicated the belle of the ball, 37, had two warrants and was of course allegedly in possession of methamphetamine.

• March 14: Someone took a tumble at the beach in the 1700 block of Embarcadero at 5:35 p.m. Police made note of the klutzy move.

• March 14: Police noted a restraining order violation in the 2600 block of Main, as some fools never learn.

• March 14: Police got a report of corporal injury to a child on the 2600 block of Ironwood. A report was sent to the District Attorney’s Office for possible inaction.

• March 14: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:48 a.m. in the 500 block of Atascadero Rd. The driver, 60, was nicked for suspicion of driving on a toot, booked and released, and no doubt could really use a drink right about now.

• March 13: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:36 p.m. in the first block of State Park Rd. A 48-year-old dingus was arrested for suspicion of vandalism and driving wrecked and hauled to the gaol.

• March 13: Someone had sticky fingers at Miner’s Hardware, as the store reported theft of a guy’s tool.

• March 13: Police responded at 5:17 p.m. to City Park on Harbor Street for a disturbance. Logs indicated a 62-year-old fellow had a bench warrant. The apparent bounder was cited and released with his soon-to-be second FTA.

• March 13: Someone found a cell phone and turned it over to police. In the 900 block of Market, someone lost their vehicle, as it was parked in one place too long.

• March 13: Police responded to a disturbance at 12:23 p.m. in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. Logs indicated a 22-year-old apparent negligentleman had allegedly put his children in danger “by leaving them unattended,” a crime every father has no doubt committed from time to time.

• March 13: Police responded at 11:45 a.m. to the 400 block of Quintana where someone apparently tripped and fell into a possible lawsuit.

• March 13: On 3/13 at 3:33 a.m. police responded to the 200 block of Beach for a mental health investigation. No arrests, so they’re apparently much better now.

• March 13: On Friday the 13th an unlucky fellow was causing a ruckus at 1 a.m. at the Community Center. Police took the bounder, 32, to the Parkinson Plaza for re-education.

• March 12: Police contacted a suspicious man at noon in the 700 block of Harbor. A 38-year-old squit was arrested for three warrants and being stinky where the tourists can see.

• March 12: Someone in the 1700 block of Embarcadero had his or her bike stolen.

• March 11: Police responded at 8:45 p.m. to a disturbance on Napa Avenue. Logs indicated an apparently unhappy person was causing a ruckus and was given a 72-hour timeout at County Mental Health.

• March 11: Police contacted a wanted man at 8:51 p.m. at Monterey and Harbor, no doubt hanging out with the usual suspects. The 25-year-old rascal had multiple warrants.

• March 11: Police contacted a suspicious woman, 39, in the 1000 block of Market. She was arrested for suspicion of gettin’ ziggy in public.

• March 11: Someone stole a car out of the 2500 block of Koa. A business in the 1100 block of Front St., also reported getting ripped off.

• March 10: Someone reported a disturbance at 2 p.m. in the 1000 block of Kennedy Way. Police arrested an apparently disagreeable woman, 44, for suspicion of trespassing, at the community center.

• March 10: And from the found and lost department… Someone turned in a bike they’d found in the 800 block of Main. Someone else reported shoplifting in the 400 block of Quintana.

• March 9: A man told police that he was being bothered by some unknown harasstard on the RTA bus.

• March 9: Police responded at 11 a.m. to the 300 block of Embarcadero to see about a man’s vandalized dingy.

• March 9: Police contacted another swagman at Albertson’s at 10 a.m. The lost soul had warrants and went bye-bye.

• March 8: Police contacted a woman in the 2800 block of Birch about the theft of money and jewelry from her home, which sounds like an inside job.

• March 8: Some apparent heathen stole items from St. Timothy’s Catholic Church, and a pox on the sinner.

• March 8: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:54 a.m. on Hwy 1 at Yerba Buena for unsafe driving. Logs indicated the driver, 57, was chunked for being krunked behind the wheel.

• March 7: A woman told police she’d lost her purse. Logs indicated the apparent runaway handbag was found in Avila Beach and turned over to Sheriff’s deputies. In an unrelated case, someone found a set of lost keys on the ground near Lila Keiser Park.

• March 7: Police responded at 7 a.m. to Fitness Works on Quintana for a report of an apparently unwelcomed man who won’t leave. Logs indicated they arrested a 28-year-old ruffian for suspicion of trespassing and resisting arrest.

• March 6: At 5:37 p.m. police responded to Greenwood Avenue to check the welfare of a possible domestic violence victim. Logs indicated a 23-year-old apparent loser is the suspected abuser.

• March 6: Police contacted a 64-year-old woman in the 300 block of Piney regarding a burglary. They arrested her on two counts of intentional pilfering.

• March 7: Police contacted parents on Estero regarding a report of child abuse they’d received.

• March 6: Vandalism was reported in the 300 block of Main. Police have no clue as to who is the rapscallion responsible.

• March 6: A citizen in the 2800 block of Alder said his or her vehicle was burglarized and undisclosed treasures stolen.

• March 5: At 4 a.m. police responded to a disturbance in the 1600 block of Main. A 57-year-old bent fellow was cinched up for suspicion of being blotto in public.

• March 5: A woman in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd., told police that four of her checks had been stolen and cashed and she’s out $1,145.

• March 5: Police responded at 12:30 p.m. to the Vets Hall on Surf Street where a man said and unknown person grabbed him.

• March 5: Police contacted three suspicious fellows at 10 a.m. at Hwy 1 and MBB. Logs indicated a 35-year old, a 28-year old and a third Chalupa, 28, were allegedly swaying to the invisible music of the soul while UTI. The trio crashed in the iron bar hotel with the crappy room service.

• March 5: Police took a report of sexual offenses in the 2800 block of Greenwood.

• March 4: Police stopped a no doubt close friend at 7:51 p.m. in the 900 block of Embarcadero. The scofflaw, 48, had three bench warrants and was incarcerated to await adjudication and carrying out of sentencing, which sounds worse than it really is.

• March 4: Police stopped a suspicious woman, 59, at 1:22 p.m. in the 200 block of Morro Bay Blvd. She was allegedly mangled on illegal drugs and got nicked.

• March 4: Police responded at 12:26 p.m. to Miner’s Hardware for a reported petty theft. No word on what was stolen, though toilet paper could no doubt be wiped off the list.

• March 4: Police contacted a suspicious fellow traipsing about at 1:42 a.m. in the 400 block of Monterey. The swizzle stick, 33, was arrested for suspicion of getting spifficated in public.

• March 3: Police contacted a suspicious woman, 44, at 11:23 p.m. at Albertson’s Market. She was booked into County Jail on a trespassing beef no doubt to await execution.

• March 3: Police got a report of vandalism in the 300 block of Quintana and a task force has no doubt been formed to catch the villain.

• March 3: Someone reported a minor fender bender in the 600 block of Quintana, as the Roundabout claims another.

• March 3: Police apparently didn’t like the looks of some fellow at 1:35 p.m. at Monterey and MBB. Logs indicated the 45-year-old model citizen was nipped for suspicion of possession and swingin’ in the rain on illegal drugs.

• March 3: Some graffidiot struck twice in the 3400 block of Toro Ln.