• Jan. 31: Police responded at 10:45 a.m. to Morro Avenue for a report of someone whose had passed away.
• Jan. 30: Police responded at 8 p.m. to a disturbance in City Park. Logs indicated they contacted a husband-wife tag team having an apparent rum-soaked row. He, 39 and she, 49, were nicked for suspicion of getting bent in public.
• Jan. 30: Police contacted a 52-year-old woman in Lila Keiser Park who had one felony and a pair of bench warrants. Her hand was folded into County Jail.
• Jan. 30: Police stopped a suspicious car at the suspect time of 1 a.m. on Hwy 1 at Morro Bay Boulevard. Logs indicated the driver, 26, was allegedly driving in the horrors and got booked into the County B&B for a life-changing experience.
• Jan. 29: Police got a 9-1-1 call at noon from the 700 block of Quintana from a woman who said she’d driven off the road and apparently crashed. The driver, 33, was allegedly driving under the influence of drugs, which explains a lot, and according to logs she “resisted and failed to comply.” She was eventually booked without further fuss, after no doubt surrendering to her fate.
• Jan. 28: Police responded at 3:45 p.m. to a disturbance in the 500 block of Kern. Logs indicated a cohabitating man and woman were both booked on suspicion of domestic violence, as the fight was apparently a draw, though the fellow was also nicked for being blotto in public.
• Jan. 27: Police responded at 1 p.m. to the 300 block of Vashon where some known scoundrel has been trespassing and now has stolen a floor mat, proving once again that people will steal anything.
• Jan. 27: At 9:30 a.m. police contacted a 60-year-old apparently troubled fellow outside the police station. He was taken to County Mental Health for some quiet time.
• Jan. 16: Police got a report that a man told San Luis Obispo Planned Parenthood that he was sexually assaulted as a child, but he didn’t want to prosecute, just to document.
• Jan. 26: Some master criminal stole outdoor patio furniture seat cushions from the 1200 block of Morro. Police have no leads but no doubt won’t sit down on the job.
• Jan. 25: Police contacted a 62-year-old scofflaw at 6:22 p.m. in the 300 block of Vashon who had a bench warrant. He was cited and released with his future second one.
• Jan. 25: Police took a report of stolen mail in the 1200 block of Clarabelle Dr.
• Jan. 25: Police took a report of a missing 36-year-old man from the 2300 block of Nutmeg.
• Jan. 24: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 3:50 p.m. in the 100 block of Main. Logs indicated the woman driver, 18, didn’t have her license and gave police a fake name. When they discovered the deception, she of course had an out-of-town arrest warrant. That led to a search of the vehicle and logs indicated they discovered “multiple sandwich bags that contained marijuana, a large amount of money and a digital scale.” The driver took a cop cab ride to the iron bar hotel. Her 27-year-old passenger was cited and she was released for selling the evil weed without a permit.
• Jan. 24: Police contacted a suspicious man at 12:30 a.m. in the 1500 block of Main. Logs indicated the 28-year-old fellow was allegedly higher than the stacks on drugs and had a stash on him as well. He was checked into the County detox.
• Jan. 23: Police contacted a pair of likely suspects at 10:10 p.m. in the 300 block of Atascadero Rd. A 44-year-old woman had one bench warrant and a man, 36, had four. Both were locked away in the dungeon.
• Jan. 22: Police responded to Lila Keiser Park at 1:35 p.m. where someone reported they had been sexually assaulted. Police are investigating.
• Jan. 21: Police contacted a 46-year-old man at 9:45 p.m. in the 500 block of Kern who had a warrant. He was issued another citation and released to catch again another day.
• Jan. 21: Police responded at 6 p.m. in the 400 block of Avalon where they contacted a 68-year-old woman and arrested her for a hit-and-run accident and no insurance, which might explain the crash-n-dash.
• Jan. 21: Police contacted a suspicious man at 1:21 p.m. in the 700 block of Embarcadero regarding a suspected matter of selling stolen property. Logs indicated he was UTI on drugs, in possession of a crack pipe, and someone else’s Master Card.
• Jan. 21: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11 a.m. at Main and Radcliff. Logs indicated the driver, 24, was popped for a double whammy — suspicion of driving honked while on probation — and allegedly had syringes and paraphernalia in the car too.
• Jan. 21: A citizen in the 100 block of Main said someone stole the catalytic converter off his or her car. No word on whom the larcenous mechanic might be.
• Jan. 20: At 1:04 p.m. police and fire responded to a non-injury car crack-up at Main and Anchor. Then 5 minutes later, there was another collision in the 900 block of Front St., an apparent 2-for-1 special.
• Jan. 20: Police stopped a vehicle at noon in the 800 block of Quintana. The driver, 41 was allegedly driving twisted. His lady passenger, 34, was allegedly swinging high on drugs and both were arrested.
• Jan. 19: There was yet another car crash at 1:30 p.m. at San Jacinto and Main. No injuries were reported.
• Jan. 19: Police responded to a disturbance at 3:38 p.m. to the 800 block of Napa. A 50-year-old parolee was violated for suspicion of being loaded in public.
• Jan. 19: At 12:30 p.m. in the 900 block of Morro, police arrested a man, 53, who was allegedly trespassing and in possession of drug paraphernalia. At 3:15, the same mulish idgit was back trespassing again, and was arrested for a second time, proving right Einstein’s assessment of insanity once again.
• Jan. 19: Someone stole a car license plate in the 1200 block of Embarcadero.
• Jan. 19: Police responded to Toro Lane where some anarchist vandalized a speed limit sign. They also responded to the 900 block of Quintana for a number of vehicles that were damaged. And on Jan. 18, someone vandalized a utility trailer parked at Coleman Drive and Embarcadero.
• Jan. 18: A woman at Lila Keiser Park told police that her boyfriend choked her and threatened her. Police documented the incident, for when the ugliness escalates.
• Jan. 17: And from the found-lost files… Someone found a vehicle key with a fob on it and gave it to police to unlock the mystery. And someone in the 1500 block of Quintana found a person who’d lost his or her life.
• Jan. 16: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:18 p.m. in the 300 block of Atascadero Rd. The woman driver, 18, was allegedly shellacked, and was taken downtown, cited and released to a sober, responsible adult.
• Jan. 16: There was a vehicle oopsie at 5:15 p.m. on Hwy 1 at San Jacinto. No injuries or arrests reported.
• Jan. 16: Police contacted some suspicious men at 11:45 p.m. in the 700 block of MBB. Logs indicated one model citizen, 37, was allegedly in possession of heroin and arrested. The other citizen of the year, 28, had a no-cite felony warrant and while being searched, police reportedly found he had a fixed blade knife hanging around his neck and concealed under his shirt, so police tossed in a concealed bladed weapon charge against him.
• Jan. 15: Police responded at 10:30 p.m. to the 900 block of Morro after a woman reported an odd fellow outside her home acting strangely. Police found a man hiding under the woman’s staircase who was fit-shaced and unable to care for himself (not to mention creepy). He also had a warrant and so he was off to see the wizard.
• Jan. 15: Police responded to a disturbance at 9:48 p.m. in the 400 block of Atascadero Rd. A 34-year-old woman was arrested for suspicion of causing corporal injury and domestic violence. Ol’ Xena warrior princess was carted off to the gaol.
• Jan. 15: Police contacted a suspicious man at 9:30 p.m. in the 2600 block of Main. Logs indicated the fellow, 50, had a warrant. He was cited and released, ’cause in a fishing village you toss back the little ones.
• Jan. 11: Police at the high school documented some kind of problem between a teacher and an “adult student.” What? You thought no school means no teen angst?
• Jan. 15: Police contacted a regular customer at 12:30 a.m. in the 1100 block of Embarcadero. She allegedly possessed drug paraphernalia, was cited and released. At 11:30 a.m. in the 500 block of Atascadero Rd. The 36-year-old squit was arrested for suspicion of being high on drugs.
• Jan. 15: Police responded at 3:10 a.m. to the 2800 block of Alder where some apparent swamp donkey was caught trying to break into a car and then brandished a weapon, which is why you always call police to deal with the dinguses of the world.
• Jan. 14: Police contacted a man, 47, in City Park on MBB who had three bench warrants. He was also found to have drug paraphernalia but was cited and released back into the wilds, tagged like a buzzard in Big Sur.
• Jan. 14: Police responded to a store in the 800 block of Market where they said someone stole a valuable clothes rack, reinforcing the notion that people will steal just about anything.
• Jan. 14: The same lost child, 36, from above was contacted in the area of Sunset and Rockview at 12:30 a.m. and arrested for suspicion of being tore up on drugs, as the carousel goes round and round…
• Jan. 13: Police arrested a 43-year-old man who allegedly started an arson fire inside a motel room at the Holland Inn in the 2600 block of Main.
• Jan. 13: Police contacted a suspicious man at 2 a.m. in the 400 block of Quintana and cited the shining example, 28, for alleged possession of drugs.
• Jan. 12: Police responded to the 600 block of Embarcadero at 3:19 p.m. where a woman said her car was vandalized after she apparently prevailed in an altercation over a parking space, begging the question “Who really won that spat?”
• Jan. 12: There was a car crash at 11:30 a.m. at Coral and Emerald Cir., in the Cloisters Neighborhood. No injuries reported.
• Jan. 11: Police responded at 4 p.m. to the 100 block of Island where a citizen said their inauguration yard sign was stolen, in the latest sign of the approaching apocalypse.
• Jan. 11: Some apparent fraud used a Bank of America debit card at a gas station in the 900 block of the Boulevard, where the price of petrol is the real crime.