• June 6: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:10 p.m. on Hwy 1 at Main Street. Logs indicated they arrested a 62-year-old devil that had skipped a previous court appearance. He was taken to prep for his audience with the Queen.
• June 6: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the suspect time of 1 a.m. in the 1400 block of Main, like a sitting duck. Police gave the 22-year-old drake the usual demeaning sobriety tests, which he apparently failed miserably, as he was hooked up and checked into the Parkinson Plaza for suspicion of driving quacked.
• June 5: At 8:49 a.m. a family member told police that his or her relative had been missing since June 3. Logs indicated police soon found the missing mister, who was no longer AWOL.
• June 5: Police responded at 2:45 a.m. to an apparent burglar alarm at Del Mar Liquors, 2864 Main. Logs indicated the gang that couldn’t shoot straight couldn’t manage to get past the front door and enter the building, though they apparently did manage to mangle the door.
• June 5: Police responded at 12:06 a.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Main. Logs indicated a 62-year-old lass was drunk off her a** and no doubt making a spectacle of herself. She was given a timeout in the County quiet room.
• June 4: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 10 p.m. at Quintana and Main. The 50-year-old scofflaw had a bench warrant. He was issued another and released to catch again some day.
• June 4: Police responded at 6:34 p.m. to Toro Creek Road and Hwy 1 where some delinquent busted into a car apparently parked at Dog Beach and rifled through the vehicle. Logs indicated items were stolen but didn’t say what they were, so forget about ever recovering them.
• June 4: Police contacted a citizen in the 200 block of Dunes about some harasstard who violated a stay-the-hell-away order, proving once again the power of the pen don’t mean crap to a swamp donkey.
• June 4: Someone stole a beach cruiser bike from the front yard of a citizen in the 500 block of Atascadero Rd.
• June 3: Police were called to a disturbance at a motel in the 200 block of Harbor where a man and woman were refusing to leave. Logs indicated the Bay View Lodge asked police for help in escorting the squatters off the property. Logs indicated the woman, 33, was allegedly high on stimulants and in possession of a crack pipe. The man, 45, also allegedly had a crack pipe on him and was cited and released. The woman was not so lucky, as she was nicked and slept it off in lockup.
• June 2: Someone found a cell phone and gave it to police to rundown the owner. Someone else found a wallet and gave it to police, too.
• June 2: A citizen in the 400 block of Bernardo had his or her identity stolen and we now have no idea who they are.
• June 1: Police were called to a disturbance at 7 p.m. at a motel in the 2600 block of Main. Two men, ages 65 and 57 were arrested for suspicion of being high on drugs and a search of their room allegedly uncovered suspected methamphetamine and paraphernalia. They’re roomin’ in the County bunkhouse now.
• June 1: police contacted a suspicious man at 6:41 p.m. in City Park, whom police suspected was stoned on drugs. According to logs, the man was taken to headquarters to pee in a cup for a chemical test, which came up negative for drugs, so they were forced to release him, no doubt with sincerest apologies, too.
• June 1: police responded at 4:35 p.m. to the 600 block of Monterey where a woman made a late report regarding a sexual assault that happened in SLO.
• June 1: Police responded at 4:33 p.m. to Lila Keiser Park where a man told police a group of 16 juvenile hooligans attacked him and stole his wallet. During the investigation, police discovered that their victim in the case had been allegedly selling drugs to juveniles in the park, which no doubt considerably reprioritized his assault claims.
• June 1: Police took a report of a stolen vehicle in the 3000 block of Main.
• May 31: Police contacted a suspicious man and woman at 7 p.m. at Morro Bay Boulevard and Napa. Logs indicated he, 39, and she, 46, were nicked for the big three — alleged possession and UTI of illegal drugs and possession of paraphernalia. Both got booked into the hoosegow.
• May 31: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 3:25 p.m. in the 1700 block of embarcadero. The driver, 20, was clipped for a felony warrant, which led to discovery of a firearm, ammunition and possession of drugs and paraphernalia, a classic case of cranial-rectal inversion disorder.
• May 31: Police were called at 8:42 a.m. to the 2100 block of Main where they encountered a 56-year-old apparent swagman whom they cited for suspicion of trespassing.
• May 30: Someone skated off with a skateboard from a home in the 400 block of Napa.
• May 30: Some rapscallion sailed off with a boat from the 200 block of Main.
• May 30: At 12:43 p.m. two cars tried to occupy the same space at the same time with predictable results in the 600 block of Morro Bay Blvd. No deathly details to report.
• May 30: Police contacted a regular customer at 11:12 a.m. in the 1100 block of Embarcadero. Logs indicated the 47-year-old scofflaw had four misdemeanor warrants and was cited and released, as apparently four FTAs doesn’t mean he won’t show up next time.
• May 30: A tourist at a motel in the 200 block of Harbor told police that he left a suitcase sitting outside his motel room door and someone apparently invoked the tourist tax.
• May 30: Police responded to a disturbance at 5:41 a.m. somewhere on Sunset Ct. logs indicated contacted a man, 35, and woman, 33 and then arrested them on suspicion of possession of narcotics and paraphernalia, a case of getting pipped at the post.
• May 29: Police responded at 10:19 p.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Main. Logs indicated a 23-year-old apparent borracho was nicked for suspicion of being drunk and acting stupid.
• May 29: Someone got into a parked car in the 200 block of Morro Bay Blvd., and rifled through the interior, and stole some baseball cards and various odds and ends.
• May 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 1:06 a.m. heading north on Hwy 1 at MBB. Logs said the driver, 19, was arrested for driving on a suspended license and “failure to display current registration tags,” a hanging offense in Califreakornia.
• May 29: Police got an incomplete 9-1-1 call at 12:17 a.m. from a girl out by Quintana and South Bay Boulevard. Logs indicated police responded and located an “extremely intoxicated juvenile female walking alone down South Bay Boulevard.” Police called an ambulance for the belle of the ball and they took her away, no doubt calling her proud parents as well. No indications were given that this was a criminal matter beyond the apparent delinquency of a minor.
• May 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8:48 p.m. in the 400 block of Quintana. The 32-year-old driver was cited for driving on a suspended license, which used to be good for 10 days in stir.
• May 28: Police were called at 7:19 p.m. to a disturbance in the 600 block of Olive. A 27-year-old miserable boor was arrested for suspicion of disturbing the peace and uncivilized conduct.
• May 28: A woman in the 900 block of Main told police that a maintenance employee at her complex damaged her car and wanted police to document it for the insurance claim she’ll no doubt be making.
• May 28: Police responded at 12:25 p.m. to the 800 block of Embarcadero where a man said some maniac brandished a knife on him during a verbal dispute, further proof that people just can’t take a joke anymore.
• May 28: Police responded at noon to an RV park in the 1700 block of Embarcadero where a guy said he found two squatters living in his travel trailer, the apparent unexpected consequence of running them out of the woods.
• May 28: Police responded at 8:09 a.m. to a business in the 2400 block of Main where the owner said he’d gotten “indirect threats” by some unknown phonus balonus towards the business. Police documented it and will no doubt get right on it after the fire is out.
• May 28: Some graffidiot left his marks at the high school and on a City bridge.
• May 27: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 7:37 p.m. at Harbor and Main. The 58-year-old woman driver had a suspended license and was then given a sobriety test and determined to allegedly be stoned on illegal drugs. She was taken to French Hospital for a bloodletting and then crashed in the hoosegow.
• May 27: Police took a report of suspected child abuse at a home in the 900 block of Atascadero Rd.
• May 26: Police contacted an apparent urban camper at 2:25 p.m. in Lila Keiser Park. The 36-year-old mulish fellow had four bench warrants. Police gave him his fifth and released him, once again defining “insanity” for us all.
• May 26: Police took a report of suspected child abuse in the 400 block of Kern.
• May 25: Police responded at 8 p.m. to a disturbance in the 400 block of Luzon. Logs indicated they broke up a domestic dispute with no arrests, until next time.
• May 25: Police at 12:52 p.m. at Lila Keiser Park contacted a 50-year-old fellow with a bench warrant and of course cited him again and let the squit go.
• May 24: Police at 5:49 p.m. in the 1200 block of Embarcadero came across a suspicious fellow, 49, with a bench warrant. Police cited the fool and released him no doubt with a dismissive pshaw!
• May 24: Police contacted a suspicious man at 3:15 p.m. on Quintana Place. The nodcock, 32, had a felony warrant and got nicked into the Parkinson Plaza.
• May 24: A traffic cop stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:33 a.m. in the 600 block of Harbor. Logs indicated a 69-year-old woman was cited for a suspended license and various other misdemeanor offenses punishable by death at the DMV.