• June 20: Police responded to a reported assault at 9:44 p.m. in the 400 block of Rennel. Logs indicated a 23-year-old woman was allegedly assaulted by a 29-year-old apparent battleaxe, “causing serious bodily injury,” according to the logs. The victim reportedly made “criminal threats” to her alleged assailant after being assaulted.
• June 20: Police responded to the 400 block of Napa where a woman said some thief apparently stole her credit card out of her car and later used it in Paso Robles.
• June 20: Police arrested a 31-year-old mulish man for violation of a domestic violence restraining order.
• June 19: Police responded at 8:30 p.m. to a disturbance in the 1100 block of Market. A 31-year-old woman and a 29-year-old man were nicked for suspicion of being forshnicked in public.
• June 19: A woman in the 800 block of Napa was a victim of check fraud, and the task force was no doubt alerted.
• June 18: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:16 p.m. in the 1300 block of Main. A 53-year-old saucy lady was nabbed for suspicion of driving on the sauce.
• June 18: Police called the Coroner’s Office to the 2900 block of Cedar for a citizen who slipped out of Paradise for Heaven.
• June 19: Police reported the arrest of a 14-year-old juvenile for suspicion of possessing stolen property that police allege connects him to several vehicle burglaries in Los Osos and Morro Bay. The hooligan was booked into the SLO County Juvenile Hall Detention Facility and no doubt soon released.
• June 18: Someone turned in a handgun at the police station that they were no doubt aiming to get rid of.
• June 18: Police responded at 2:37 p.m. to a disturbing fellow scarin’ the straights in the 500 block of Quintana. A 40-year-old suffered intoxifornication and slept it off in the hoosegow.
• June 17: Police responded at 9 p.m. to the 400 block of Kodiak where they arrested a 47-year-old woman for suspicion of child abuse.
• June 17: Police responded at 8:23 p.m. to Rite Aid where some squeaky wheel, 47, was well oiled. He was put out of our misery in the lockup.
• June 17: Police responded at 5:44 p.m. to the 1800 block of Main for a man raising a ruckus. The 62-year-old buttery fellow was arrested for being toasted and violating parole.
• June 17: Police contacted 14-year-old boy at 12:15 p.m. in the 1100 block of Front St. He was cited for alleged possession of pepper spray, as apparently a non-lethal self-defense weapon is illegal for teenagers.
• June 17: Police responded to the 700 block of Quintana at 10:48 a.m. for a disturbance. A 38-year-old woman was nicked for alleged possession of inhalants and being groovy in public, plus a probation violation.
• June 16: Police opened an investigation to suspected “lewd and lascivious acts with a minor” that detectives will follow up on.
• June 16: Police caught up to a 28-year-old woman somewhere in town and cited the scofflaw for a bench warrant, as her trip aboard the groove train leaves the station.
• June 16: Police recovered a stolen vehicle in the 400 block of Atascadero Road and arrested a 47-year-old man for suspicion of auto theft and possession of paraphernalia plus a few other charges that logs didn’t mention.
• June 15: Police responded to a disturbance at 11:38 p.m. in the 1200 block of Main. They arrested a 37-year-old raucous fellow for allegedly being juiced in public.
• June 15: Police contacted another repeat customer at 8 p.m. in the 600 block of Quintana. The 29-year-old gent had a bench warrant and was cited and let loose to catch another day.
• June 15: Police stumbled upon another recycler at 4:51 p.m. in the 300 block of Quintana. The 40-year-old skipjack had a bench warrant and got a second one for our trouble.
• June 15: Mechanics Bank in the 200 block of Harbor reported getting two fraudulent checks totaling $689, which won’t exactly break the bank.
• June 15: Police responded at 6:36 a.m. to a home on Main Street where a 25-year-old man died of an apparent overdose at his father’s house.
• June 14: Police responded at 9:10 p.m. to a home in the 700 block of Pacific for a restraining order violation. A report was sent to the D.A. for possible action, this time.
• June 14: Police responded to a fender-bender at 6:53 p.m. at an undisclosed location. A 39-year-old woman involved in the crash was arrested for suspicion of driving stoned and possession of drugs and paraphernalia. She went to the gaol without a fuss.
• June 14: Police contacted a Yo-Yo offender at 5:52 p.m. in the 300 block of Quintana who had eight bench warrants. Make that nine…
• June 14: Police responded at 4 p.m. to Market and Pacific for a report of a man who did not want to live anymore. He apparently changed his mind when police arrived.
• June 14: Police responded at 12:41 p.m. to a disturbance in the 1000 block of Main. Secret agent Double-O I.Q., 47, was taken to the County home for wayward folks to sleep it off.
• June 14: Police contacted a suspicious woman, 63, at 9:47 a.m. in the 900 block of Piney Way who had a bench warrant. She was cited and released on her solemn promise to appear next time.
• June 13: Police responded at 6:34 p.m. to the 3400 block of Toro Lane where a woman said some suspected nodcock smashed her car window and stole her purse. Police decided they had insufficient evidence to proceed. The day before at 5:19 p.m. police got a call in the same vicinity of another car burglary, but no broken window that time, as some territorial moonraker is apparently at work.
• June 13: Police contacted a repeat customer at 11:23 a.m. in the 900 block of Main. The 44-year-old apparent swagman was cited and released on a warrant with a new ticket for suspicion of possessing illegal drugs and a crack pipe, so he’s double-gobsmacked.
• June 12: Police contacted a walkin’ dude at 11:50 p.m. at Radcliff and Little Morro Creek Road. The 48-year-old fellow was cited for alleged possession of a hookah pipe, his stash no doubt gone up in smoke.
• June 12: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:13 p.m. on Hwy 1 North at Morro Bay Boulevard. Logs indicated the 29-year-old chap was arrested for suspicion of DWS (driving while stoned) and possessing paraphernalia.
• June 12: Police responded at 7:47 p.m. to a home in the 400 block of Tulare. Logs indicated someone burgled the home and made off with $15,328.00 worth of valuables, the biggest home burglary in quite some time.
• June 12: Police contacted a suspicious woman at 4:30 p.m. in the 500 block of Piney Way. Logs indicated the 28-year-old woman was arrested for suspicion of committing a residential burglary at that same address, as her getaway scheme apparently needs work.
• June 11: Police contacted a suspicious woman at 9:35 p.m. at an undisclosed location. The 40-year-old swizzle stick was arrested for suspicion of being under the influence and of course resisting arrest. She crashed at the Iron Bar Hotel.
• June 11: Police contacted a familiar face at 7:41 p.m. somewhere by the roundabout. The 63-year-old scofflaw had a warrant and was cited and released, a case of getting stuck on the criminal justice roundabout.
• June 11: Police responded at 9 p.m. to the 3000 block of Toro Lane (sound familiar?) where citizens reported a vehicle burglary and “attempts by the suspect to obtain money from the ATM machines from two different locations,” as this fellow apparently moves fast.
• June 11: A business in the 500 block of MBB reported getting a bogus check.
• June 11: Police contacted a family in the 100 block of Mindoro regarding one of their relatives having an episode of mental breakdown.
• June 11: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:47 p.m. at Mobil Gas Station in the 900 block of MBB. Logs said the 50-year-old driver was nicked for suspicion of driving stoned and a female passenger, 40, was arrested on “multiple drug charges.”
• June 10: Police responded at 6:41 p.m. to South Bay Boulevard and State Park Road for another car burglary report. Again, the phantom scamboogah left behind no clues to follow.
• June 10: Police spotted a suspicious vehicle at 2:37 a.m. driving on the wrong side of the road down Quintana from the 300 block to Main Street, where they pulled the driver over. Logs indicated the 31-year-old wasn’t drunk but was cited for lousy driving.
• June 9: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 12:30 p.m. in the 300 block of Quintana Pl. Logs indicated the 34-year-old miscreant was cited for suspicion of possessing a crack pipe, his stash no doubt hidden where the sun don’t shine and the cops won’t search.
• June 9: Police responded at 10:20 a.m. to the 500 block of Quintana where they arrested an apparent vandal that was going all woolly-booger. Logs indicated they had the misbegotten knave on security video vandalizing the place. Still, they cited and released him.
• June 9: Someone found something that some unknown citizen lost somewhere in Tideland’s Park and for some reason gave it to police, as it apparently wasn’t a finder’s keepers kind of thing.
• June 9: At 2:32 a.m., on what must have been a slow night, police towed a car out of the 400 block of Quintana for an expired registration.
• June 9: Police contacted a suspicious fellow, 35, at 2 a.m. in the 400 block of Quintana. He had two bench warrants out of Tulare County and was given a third out of SLO County and released, ‘cause these days they throw back the little ones.
• June 7: Police responded to yet another car burglary on Toro Lane. At least this one was locked and no doubt took some effort.
• June 7: Doing laundry sucks and that was illustrated when some crankypated fool vandalized a washing machine at a Laundromat in the 500 block of Quintana.
• June 7: Police contacted a suspicious man at 11 a.m. in the 300 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the 49-year-old idler was cited for having a suspected crack pipe, but alas no drugs, but circle back in about 30.
• June 7: Someone found some undisclosed nasty thing behind Albertson’s and police took it away to be destroyed.
• June 7: An apparent homeless fellow had the first of several run-ins with Johnny Law when he was found schnockered at 4:37 a.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. His match was struck on suspicion of being blotto and arson.
• June 7: Police contacted another apparent Scruffy Philistine at 4:13 a.m. sneaking around Albertson’s Market in the 700 block of Quintana. The 47-year-old fellow had two bench warrants, was written a third and released back into the wild.