• Sept. 20: Police responded at 10 p.m. to a disturbance at City Park in the 700 block of Harbor. Two, apparently butt-toasted fellows, 53 and 46, were having some sort of boggle. Both were arrested for getting zig-zagged in public.

• Sept. 20: Police responded at 8 p.m. to a domestic disturbance reported on Trinidad. Logs indicated they contacted a man “involved in unfounded claims of false imprisonment,” which is what they said after visiting Mr. Dahmer.

• Sept. 20: Someone turned in a wallet they found for safekeeping. No word on where it was liberated from its pocket prison.

• Sept. 20: Police contacted an apparent ruffian allegedly brandishing a weapon in the 1000 block of Front St. Logs indicated the 30-year-old fellow was tad chatty on the way to the hoosegow. “While he was in the back of my patrol unit 1501,” reads the logs, the suspect, “admitted to be high on methamphetamine.” The suspect reportedly “was transported to the San Luis Obispo County Jail where he provided me with a voluntary urine sample,” a breathalyzer apparently being of no use.

• Sept. 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8 p.m. at Main and Surf. Logs indicated the scofflaw woman driver had a suspended license. She was cited and released, and a 10-day all expenses paid vacation awaits her at the Parkinson Plaza.

• Sept. 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 1:49 p.m. at Main and Surf for some undisclosed code violation. Logs indicated the 25-year-old driver was allegedly driving on a toot and arrested. According to logs, the owner of the car, a 44-year-old woman, showed up at the scene “to claim the methamphetamine pipe in her car is hers,” in this week’s example of why they call it dope. Both were arrested, he for DUI and she for UTI.

• Sept. 18: Police responded at 8:08 p.m. to a disturbance in the 300 block of Surf. A 39-year-old apparent hellcat was arrested for suspicion of brandishing a weapon, vandalism and resisting arrest. She went to the cooler to chill.

• Sept. 18: Two cars went badda-boom! at noon at Main and Atascadero Road. No injuries reported, but the cars will never be the same.

• Sept. 18: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:08 p.m. in the 600 block of Harbor. Logs indicated the fellow driving, 28, was allegedly stoned on drugs and was tossed to the nick to crash.

• Sept. 17: Some graffidiot struck at the Storage Depot, in the 300 block of Quintana.

• Sept. 17: Police contacted a suspicious man at 4 p.m. in the 900 block of Main. The 58-year-old was arrested for suspicion of resisting arrest and of course being blindo in public.

• Sept. 17: A citizen in the 100 block of Luzon reported a fraud committed by some scoundrel.

• Sept. 16: Police responded at midnight to a disturbance in the 500 block of Main. Logs indicated they contacted a 30-year-old fellow with a bell on every tooth, whom they actually arrested for suspicion of disturbing the peace, a case of next time call it a protest.

• Sept. 16: Police started a case of suspected child abuse in the 200 block of Atascadero Road.

• Sept. 16: Police responded at 4:20 p.m. to Rite Aid where they apparently caught a suspected fellow with sticky fingers. The 43-year-old man was arrested for suspicion of trespassing, shoplifting and possession of drugs, which explains the delusion of getting away with it.

• Sept. 15: Police responded at 11:10 a.m. to City Park where they found some apparent homeless person’s undisclosed property and took it to be destroyed, a potential case of one man’s treasure…

• Sept. 15: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:45 p.m. at Surf and Main. Logs indicated the juvenile driver didn’t have a license. The car was towed and he or she arrested in no doubt the saddest joyride ever.

• Sept. 15: Someone reported losing his or her California I.D. card.

• Sept. 14: Police responded to Lila Keiser Park at 10:41 p.m. where they towed away a car for expired tags.

• Sept. 14: Police responded at 1:46 p.m. to Spencer’s Market, 2650 Main, where an unwelcomed fellow had showed up at the store. The 62-year-old interloper was cited and released for alleged trespassing.

• Sept. 14: Police responded to a motel in the 1200 block of Main after someone found a handgun in a motel room, no word on where former Chief Cantrell was at the time.

• Sept. 14: Some scalawag committed vandalism at the WRF project construction site, in the 500 block of South Bay Blvd., no word on cost increases to come from it.

• Sept. 13: At 10:51 p.m. police contacted a suspicious man, 55, in a vacant lot behind the Sea Air Inn & Suites in the 800 block of Morro and arrested the blighter for suspicion of belting the grape in public. 

• Sept. 13: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:48 p.m. in the 800 block of Embarcadero. They arrested a 27-year-old tomato for suspicion of driving stewed.

• Sept. 13: Some apparent swamp donkey stole tools out of the bed of a truck parked at Harbor House Inn in the 1000 block of Main.

• Sept. 13: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:30 a.m. on Hwy 1 after the driver apparently led them on a chase. The woman driver, 27 was arrested for suspicion of reckless driving and felony evading a police vehicle, which is bone to the marrow stupid.

• Sept. 13: Police responded at 5:51 a.m. to a disturbance in the 400 block of Embarcadero. Logs indicated they contacted a 40-year-old apparently raucous feller who was booked into the County B&B to sleep it off.

• Sept. 12: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 6 p.m. at Beach and Main. The naughty boy driver had a felony warrant out of Truckee and a suspended license. 

• Sept. 12: Police stopped yet another suspicious vehicle at 4:22 p.m. somewhere in town. The 66-year-old woman driver was nicked for suspicion of driving on a bender.

• Sept. 11: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at Lila Keiser Park and of course cited the driver for a suspended license.

• Sept. 10: A citizen in the 600 block of Napa reported the unauthorized use of his or her debit card, to which the only defense against is abject poverty.

• Sept. 10: Police contacted a suspicious woman at 4:38 p.m. in the 1000 block of Quintana. The model citizen, 22, was arrested for suspicion of vandalism, possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia. 

• Sept. 10: Police found an abandoned bicycle in the bushes at Lila Keiser Park, the place where lost bikes go to die.

• Sept. 10: At 1 a.m. police responded to a cry for help from a man in the 1700 block of Embarcadero who asked to be taken to County Mental Health. A mobile crisis worker responded and took the troubled chap for a 72-hour timeout.

• Sept. 9: A gobsmacked fellow at Morro Rock called police because he left his backpack on the sand and went surfing, and can you believe it? Someone stole it.

• Sept. 9: Police responded to the 1000 block of Front and Giovanni’s Fish Market for some fishy criminal activity from the day before.

• Sept. 8: Police responded at 6:13 p.m. to Tognazzini’s Dockside Restaurant in the 1200 block of Embarcadero for a disturbance. Logs indicated a 40-year-old bent fellow was hauled off for suspicion of being too deep in his cups.

• Sept. 8: Police contacted a suspicious man at 9:20 a.m. in the 700 block of Embarcadero. The 59-year-old bounder was cited and released on a failure-to-appear warrant, no doubt soon to be two.

• Sept. 7: Police contacted a 55-year-old woman at 1:35 p.m. at an undisclosed location in town and cited her for alleged possession of a glass hookah pipe.

• Sept. 7: Police responded at 3:22 p.m. to a car crash at Hwy 1 and Yerba Buena. Logs indicated they bestowed blame for the crash on some lead-foot for driving too fast.