• Sept. 6: Police responded to a reported assault at 8:25 p.m. at some undisclosed location. They encountered a suspicious man walking down the street and arrested the apparent scamboogah, 25, for suspicion of domestic violence and vandalizing a vehicle.
• Sept. 6: A citizen told police he or she had their Apple iPhone stolen somewhere on the Embarcadero, no doubt a victim of the tourist tax.
• Sept. 6: Police responded to a domestic disturbance at 1:19 a.m. in the 2100 block of Ironwood. Logs indicated officers tracked their slippery suspect down in Los Osos and arrested the 40-year-old bounder for suspicion of burglary, vandalism, domestic violence and making terrorist threats. He chilled off in the cooler.
• Sept. 5: Police were called to deal with an apparently disturbing fellow at 8:47 p.m. in the 800 block of Embarcadero. A 37-year-old raucous imbiber was nicked for suspicion of flapping-out in public.
• Sept. 5: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5:15 p.m. in the 900 block of Morro Bay Boulevard and arrested the 48-year-old driver for suspicion of driving on a bender in the Roundabout.
• Sept. 5: Police responded to Bonita Street where they arrested a scofflaw for violating a court order to stay away from an elderly woman he’s accused of abusing.
• Sept. 5: Police responded at 9:40 a.m. to a couple in the 300 block of Surf. Logs indicated they arrested a woman, 44, for suspicion of possessing drug paraphernalia and being schwasted. A man, 55, went along for the ride charged with suspicion of UTI.
• Sept. 4: Police contacted a suspicious man bustin’-a-fooligan at 7:12 p.m. at Tidelands Park. The dingus, 45, was nicked for suspicion of possessing and abusing illegal drugs.
• Sept. 4: Police responded to the 3100 block of Main for a Morro Bay felony — a woman found a dead cat in her trashcan in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• Sept. 4: Police responded to Miner’s Hardware to investigate the fraudulent use of a credit card by some swindler.
• Sept. 4: Police and fire responded at 12:34 p.m. to the intersection of Quintana and Kennedy Way for a 3-car pileup. No word on the extent of the carnage.
• Sept. 4: Police responded at 10:40 a.m. to a disturbance in the 300 block of Surf. Logs indicated they arrested a 49-year-old man for suspicion of having drug paraphernalia, disturbing the peace, and of course a bench warrant. He was transported to County Jail for a trip through the revolving doors.
• Sept. 4: At 9:30 a.m. police contacted a familiar foe with a bench warrant at Lila Keiser Park and scooped the 49-year-old fellow up in a dragnet.
• Sept. 3: Police responded at 6:36 p.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Embarcadero where they encountered an apparently disgruntled fellow pitching a fit and scaring the straights. The 25-year-old squit was arrested for suspicion of UTI.
• Sept. 3: Police responded to a disturbance at 2:24 p.m. at Albertson’s Market on Quintana and apparently hit a nefarious jackpot. Two men, 51 and 28 were nicked for suspicion of being forshnicked on drugs, and another model citizen, 22, was arrested on “multiple warrants.”
• Sept. 2: Police responded to Flying Dutchman’s Restaurant on Embarcadero where some pirate paid for a meal with counterfeit cash, and may they choke on it.
• Sept. 2: Police responded at 2:30 p.m. to Silver City MHP in the 500 block of Atascadero Rd., for a stolen car and elder abuse report.
• Sept. 2: Police responded at 1:45 p.m. to Lila Keiser Park where someone found 10 bicycles and frames in Morro Creek, with no doubt a hundred more awaiting discovery.
• Sept. 1: Police responded at 3:15 p.m. to a smash-n-dash at Cork ‘n Bottle Liquors in the 300 block of Atascadero Rd., involving an apparent rogue PG&E truck that fled the scene.
• Aug. 31: A citizen in the 300 block of Fresno told police that some sneak thief stole their car keys.
• Aug. 31: Police responded to check the welfare of someone apparently in crisis in the 800 block of Pacific. They confiscated two firearms just to be safe.