• Sept. 27: At 3:54 p.m. police responded to an undisclosed location where someone’s had passed away.
• Sept. 27: At 4:44 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject at some apparently super secret location and cited the slacker for a bench warrant.
• Sept. 26: At 8:25 p.m. police responded to an undisclosed located for a disturbance report. Logs indicated some apparent ruffian allegedly committed battery on a spouse or cohabitant and falsely imprisoned her, which sounds very serious but both are misdemeanors.
• Sept. 26: Police responded at 2:53 p.m. to an unlisted location for a disturbance. Logs indicated some fallstaffian fool was nicked for suspicion of being on the razzle and scaring all the straights.
• Sept. 26: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:53 p.m. at an undisclosed location. According to logs, the driver got hit with an avalanche of charges — drunk driving, open container, no license, possession of drugs and most seriously in this State — expired registration. He or she will now spend eternity locked in the purgatory of County DAS and the State DMV.
• Sept. 25: Police were asked to render assistance to another agency at 5:31 p.m. No word on the assistance rendered.
• Sept. 25: Police responded at 3:23 p.m. to a traffic collision somewhere in town. No word on who was involved, the extent of injuries or any other information of even passing interest was released.
• Sept. 25: There was another car crash at 10:37 a.m. and police responded. No useful information was released, as usual.
• Sept. 24: At 11:36 p.m. someone’s time was apparently up at Anytime Fitness on Quintana Road, after police nicked the squit for a bench warrant.
• Sept. 24: Police responded at 3:40 p.m. to a local business, address undisclosed, after they reported a burglary. The case was listed as a felony, so a task force was no doubt formed immediately to hunt down the despicable desperado.
• Sept. 21: Police responded at 5 p.m. to an undisclosed location for a report of someone receiving a “threat of retaliation,” a felony. According to California Penal Code PC 261(A)(6): “As used in this paragraph, ‘threatening to retaliate’ means a threat to kidnap or falsely imprison, or to inflict extreme pain, serious bodily injury, or death.” Logs didn’t indicate whether this terrorist was arrested, but let’s hope so.
• Sept. 23: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 7:50 p.m. at an undisclosed location in town. Logs indicated the driver was cited for allegedly being honked, and possession of drug paraphernalia, all misdemeanors.
• Sept. 22: At 7:52 p.m. police responded to a report of felony burglary and breaking and entering, a felony. No further juicy details were available.
• Sept. 22: Police responded to a disturbance at 3:56 p.m. somewhere in town. Logs indicated some sinister secret agent Double-O I.Q violated a domestic violence restraining order.
• Sept. 22: Police contacted a regular customer at 1:10 p.m. in City Park who had a pair of warrants, one a felony and the other a bench warrant.
• Sept. 21: Police were called at 3:32 p.m. to deal with some apparently slapdash lazybones hanging around at Subway Sandwiches on Quintana. Logs indicated he had a bench warrant.
• Sept. 21: At 2:11 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject somewhere in town. Logs indicated the apparent Swagman was arrested for resisting arrest and for allegedly being a public nuisance.
• Sept. 20: Some roustabout was causing a ruckus at 5:40 p.m. somewhere in town. Police ran the bloody fool in for suspicion of being bent in public.
• Sept. 20: Someone found something sometime before 10:05 a.m. somewhere in town.
• Sept. 18: Police responded to a disturbance at 11:55 p.m. at the La Serena Inn at Morro and Dunes. Logs indicated some disagreeable cur allegedly violated a restraining order, smashed a cell phone, and committed assault. He was hopefully hauled to the cooler to cool his jets.
• Sept. 18: Police responded at 1 p.m. to a report of someone having exited Paradise for Heaven.
• Sept. 18: Police were called at 7:59 a.m. to the 400 block of Quintana where some apparent pest was refusing to leave Albertson’s Market. He was cited and advised to take his shoes for a walk.
• Sept. 17: Police were called at 11:49 p.m. to a disturbed individual causing a kerfuffle. He or she was nicked for their boorish behavior.
• Sept. 17: Police responded at 6:15 p.m. to another loud disturbance at Lila Keiser Park. Logs indicated the repeat Moonraker had violated a domestic violence restraining order and was of course drunk as a skunk.
• Sept. 17: Police responded to a reported felony identity theft case at 11:30 a.m. somewhere in town, for which the only successful prevention is abject poverty and crappy credit.
• Sept. 17: Police responded at 11:15 a.m. to a traffic collision. Logs didn’t say where it happened, who was involved or the extent of any injuries.
• Sept. 16: Police took a report for suspicion of credit card fraud, a possible preview of what’s in store with a cashless economy.
• Sept. 16: Here’s one you don’t see every day… Police responded at 5:50 p.m. to a Penal Code No. 148(A)(2), which logs indicated was someone obstructing or disrupting “public safety radio frequency.”
• Sept. 15: Police responded at 1:16 p.m. to an injury traffic accident somewhere in town. Logs indicated the allegedly intoxicated driver was nicked for being under-21 and schnookered, causing a crash with great bodily injury, a case of say good-bye to that license for a while.
• Sept. 15: At 9:16 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject somewhere in town who naturally had a bench warrant. He or she was issued another see-ya-later-alligator ticket and released.
• Sept. 15: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8:36 a.m. at an undisclosed location and cited the scofflaw driver for no
registration.
• Sept. 14: Police contacted a couple of suspicious subjects with bench warrants. The first was at 2:29 p.m. at the library and the second at 4:34 p.m. at City Park, as the riff-raff continue to run wild.
• Sept. 14: Someone handed over to police something they’d found sometime before 10:47 a.m. of some undisclosed value for no doubt some very good reason.