• Oct. 24: At 7:52 p.m. police responded to Morro Bay Market & Spirits for a report of some sticky-fingered thief caught shoplifting.
• Oct. 24: At 10:24 a.m. someplace in town police contacted a suspicious subject who turned out to have a felony warrant and got checked into the iron bar hotel.
• Oct. 24: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:19 a.m. Logs indicated the driver was cited for the hanging offense of an expired registration.
• Oct. 23: Police were called at 7:05 p.m. to an undisclosed location to deal with some kind of disturbance. Logs indicated the problem stemmed from some groom of the stool who’d over-indulged in spirits.
• Oct. 23: Police responded at 7:05 p.m. to an undisclosed local business for a reported felony shoplifting, a case of let’s not be greedy now.
• Oct. 23: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 9:44 a.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the regular customer had a bench warrant and was issued another one that will likely be ignored as well.
• Oct. 23: Police responded at 8:31 a.m. to Morro Rock where someone said his or her car was broken into, items inside were stolen, as well as the thief stealing the vehicle too. All told, the case involved two felonies and one misdemeanor, but apparently no arrest.
• Oct. 22: At 11:56 p.m. police contacted a suspicious apparent return customer at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the Citizen of the Year was arrested on suspicion of possessing illegal drugs, paraphernalia and felony parole violation.
• Oct. 22: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:53 a.m. but could only get the driver for expired registration. He or she was sentenced to life without parole at the DMV.
• Oct. 21: Police responded at 11:25 a.m. to a disturbance at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the case involved felony abuse of someone who was promised to be loved and cherished.
• Oct. 21: Police were notified at 3:56 p.m. that someone had gone missing. No word on whether they were ever found.
• Oct. 21: At 12:20 a.m. police contacted a suspicious subject somewhere in town. Logs indicated the apparent hype was cited for suspicion of possessing illegal drugs and drug paraphernalia. He or she was cited and released to go replenish their stash.
• Oct. 20: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8:38 p.m. for some unknown reason somewhere in town. The driver was cited for a bench warrant and expired registration and will be sent to DMV-Hell to wait for an eternity for their number to be called despite making an online appointment days before.
• Oct. 20: At 5:26 p.m. police responded to a reported hairy crack-up involving an unknown number of cars at an undisclosed location.
• Oct. 20: Police were called at 12:49 p.m. to an undisclosed location. Logs indicated some uncontrolled Illuminutty fool had committed vandalism and a disturbance.
• Oct. 20: Police were called at 11:44 a.m. to Spencer’s Market on North Main to deal with some apparent humanicus dooficus who was refusing to leave. Logs indicated the alleged trespasser was arrested for resisting arrest and refusing to take his shoes for a walk.
• Oct. 19: At 11:19 p.m. police tried to stop a suspicious vehicle at an undisclosed location, but the driver apparently hit the gas instead of the brakes. Logs indicated police arrested the idjit for a suspended license, felony evading arrest and of course being out of his tree while driving.
• Oct. 19: At 8:43 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject causing a disturbance at the Community Center on Kennedy Way. Logs indicated the schmuck was stuck like chuck and hauled to the hoosegow.
• Oct. 19: Police were called at 2:56 p.m. to the Casa de Flores old folks’ facility on Teresa Drive where some despicable disgrace had allegedly forged checks intending to defraud an elderly person, crimes for which there’s a special place in Hell reserved.
• Oct. 18: Somebody found some undisclosed something somewhere at Albertson’s.
• Oct. 18: At 9:27 a.m. police caught up to another dingus with a bench warrant, cited the scofflaw and released them to catch another day.
• Oct. 18: Police were called at 4:59 a.m. with a report of a missing person who’d apparently slipped away in the night.
• Oct. 18: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:39 a.m. at Motel 6 and cited the juice weasel for suspicion of driving squeezed.
• Oct. 17: Police responded at 9:34 p.m. to the Harbor House Inn where they discovered some mope in possession of dope, with at least two prior arrests for the same skullduggery.
• Oct. 17: Police were called at 4:23 p.m. to a disturbance at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated some disorderly bonehead was cited for disorderly conduct and public drunkenness.
• Oct. 17: Police responded at 9:53 a.m. to a disturbance caused by some apparent trespassing sinner with a warrant at St. Timothy’s Catholic Church on Kennedy Way, a case where the church might forgive but the law doesn’t.
• Oct. 17: Police responded at 12:56 a.m. to a fight at a watering hole in the 800 block of Main. Logs indicated it was an assault with a deadly weapon but not a firearm, and no doubt a legendary night at Legend’s Tavern.
• Oct. 16: Police were called at 10:32 p.m. regarding another missing person. Logs didn’t say where the call came from or whether the apparent wanderer was ever found.
• Oct. 16: Someone reportedly found something of some value and turned it in at the Fire Department on Harbor Street, as it was apparently too hot to handle.
• Oct. 15: At 4 p.m. someone turned in another item they’d found but this time at the Police Station on Morro Bay Boulevard.
• Oct. 15: At 2:49 p.m. police were called to a disturbance somewhere in town. Logs indicated they cited some apparently bent train wreck for being soused and disorderly where decent people can see them.
• Oct. 15: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 11:58 a.m. hanging around the Morro Bay Library. Logs indicated the loafer had a bench warrant and was issued another disappearance ticket and unleashed. At 1:03 p.m. they contacted another swagman with a warrant, and he or she too was issued another slip of bath tissue with a court date to ignore.
• Oct. 14: Police responded at 12:53 p.m. to a car crash at an undisclosed location and involving an unstated number of vehicles and unknown potential injuries.
• Oct. 14: At 10:30 a.m. police were called regarding someone setting up camp at the Centennial Parkway in the heart of The Embarcadero. Logs indicated the urban camper was cited for camping where you ain’t supposed to, a case where the nail that sticks out gets hammered.
• Oct. 14: Police were called at 8:46 a.m. by a citizen who said his or her identity was stolen and we now have no idea who they are.
• Oct. 13: Police were called at 5:09 p.m. by a citizen who said his or her car was broken into by some sinister scalawag and no doubt treasured items were stolen.
• Oct. 13: Police responded at 1:39 p.m. to Morro Rock for the reported rape of an apparently incapacitated person unable to give consent, a case where the inability to say “no” is not a “yes.” Sexual contact under those conditions constitutes sexual assault or rape.
• Oct. 12: Police responded at 4:42 p.m. to a disturbance at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated they had to deal with some drunken gaggle head that was six fries short of a Happy Meal due to being drunk as a skunk.
• Oct. 12: At 4:32 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject at a no doubt suspect location and apparently doing something shady. Logs indicated officers cited the model citizen for alleged possession of drug paraphernalia, their stash apparently hidden where the sun don’t shine and the cops won’t look.
• Oct. 12: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 3:32 p.m. hanging around at the closed Morro Bay Coffee Co. Logs indicated the squit was cited for suspicion of overindulging in panther sweat.
• Oct. 12: Police responded at 12:20 p.m. to a report of felony shoplifting at Spencer’s Market on North Main.
• Oct. 12: Someone gave police something they’d found and apparently didn’t need or want.