• June 7: Police contacted an apparent citizen of the year at 8:36 p.m. hanging around the Subway on Quintana. He had a warrant and was cited and chased off as he apparently was serving up a baloney sandwich.
• June 7: Police contacted someone dozing where he shouldn’t at 8:38 a.m. and cited the apparent slugabed for illegally camping in public, in this week’s example of the consequences of sleeping late.
• June 6: Police responded to a disturbance at 11:17 p.m. Logs indicated some apparently ill-tempered Nodcock got into a fight with emergency medical personnel and was then allegedly found to be in possession of drug paraphernalia and drugs, which explains a lot but excuses nothing.
• June 6: At 9:22 p.m. police stopped a suspicious vehicle at an undisclosed location in town. Logs indicated the driver was nicked for allegedly driving thick as a tick.
• June 6: Police responded at 6:41 p.m. to an undisclosed location where someone’s body was discovered deceased.
• June 6: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 6:20 p.m. somewhere presumably in town. Logs indicated the driver was busted for suspicion of driving with a snoot full of tarantula juice.
• June 6: Police responded to a disturbance at 10:20 a.m. Logs indicated the call involved spousal battery and domestic violence, but not whether the louse actually got arrested.
• June 6: Police responded at 9:54 a.m. to the Community Center on Kennedy Way after someone reported finding something worth turning over to police.
• June 5: At 3:56 p.m. police responded to a reported case of larceny after some petty thief committed petty theft.
• June 4: At 10 p.m. someone called police about someone having a bit of a breakdown on Marina and logs indicated it was a case for County Mental Health.
• June 4: Police responded at 5:45 p.m. to a reported petty theft no doubt upsetting the buoyancy of the Buoy Bar on Quintana.
• June 3: Police responded to a domestic disturbance at 11:34 a.m. Logs indicated it involved alleged felony infliction of corporal injury on a spouse, aggravated assault and mayhem, and assault with a deadly weapon, and let’s hope they took the tool to the wood shed.
• June 3: Police responded to another reported dustup at 8:26 a.m. Logs indicated this was a case of simple assault, though the victim might disagree.
• June 3: Police contacted some apparent night owl at 1:30 a.m. at Morro Rock and discovered the sneetch had a bench warrant.
• June 2: Police responded to a disturbance at 5:24 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the matter involved some unrestrained Mamaluke violating a domestic violence restraining order.
• June 2: At 3:08 p.m. someone reported being scammed for more than $400, which is a felony rip off.
• June 2: At 11:06 a.m. police responded to a citizen’s report of yet another petty larceny. No word on what national treasure was stolen this time.
• June 2: At 10:08 a.m. police responded to another mentally disturbed person causing a hoo-ha-ha somewhere in town.
• May 31: Police responded to a disturbance at 7:03 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs didn’t say what was happening but some ruffian was arrested for suspicion of felony battery on a police officer, and went to jail no doubt after a detour for medical attention.
• May 31: At 12:35 p.m. police responded to a hairy crack up crash someplace in town. No word on the extent of the carnage.
• May 31: Police rousted some urban camper at noon and cited the apparent slacker for allegedly sleeping where they can’t collect a bed tax.
• May 31: Police responded at 3:45 a.m. to a burglar alarm at an art gallery in the 800 block of the Embarcadero. Upon arrival they discovered some thief had made a new entrance to By the Bay Gallery by busting out the front window and then proceeded to steal an undisclosed amount of valuable jewelry. A short time later Sheriff’s Deputies stopped a suspicious vehicle across town somewhere and discovered the driver was in possession of a bunch of jewelry that was possibly stolen. Chief Inspector Clouseau put two and two together and came up with three — felonies that is including suspicion of burglary, possession of suspected stolen property and burglary with two or more prior convictions. The apparent career criminal from Lompoc was tossed into the hoosegow but had apparently taken the revolving door and been released on bond the next day. The stolen jewelry was returned, the broken window replaced, and the caze is sol-ved!
• May 30: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:04 p.m. somewhere in town. Logs indicated the driver forgot one little detail — a valid driver’s license, which he or she did not possess.
• May 30: At 8:04 p.m. police contacted a suspicious character in the 400 block of Quintana hanging around at McDonald’s. The Hamburglar had a bench warrant and was issued a new notice to appear in court, proving once again that fast food isn’t good for you.
• May 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 3:33 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the driver was cited and released for suspicion of driving tanked.
• May 28: At 5:58 p.m. police contacted another suspicious fellow at an undisclosed location. The model citizen had a bench warrant and was issued another disappearance ticket to ignore.
• May 27: Someone found some no doubt valuable treasure — or maybe just a cell phone — at Morro Rock and turned it over to police.
• May 27: At 3 p.m. police contacted another apparent lazy bones with a bench warrant and he or she too was ticketed again, with a follow up no doubt due in about 30 days.
• May 27: Police responded at 9:02 a.m. to a report of someone being stalked by some mulish creep at the Blue Sail Inn on Market in violation of a stay-the-hell-away court order.
• May 27: Police responded at 8:58 a.m. to a report of fraudulent use of a stolen credit card at the Mobile Station by the Roundabout.
• May 26: Police responded to a disturbance at 4:18 p.m. at Albertsons Market on Quintana. According to logs someone got arrested for suspicion of battery and simple assault and also had a felony and a misdemeanor warrant. The Triple Crown winner went off to the gaol.
• May 26: Police responded at 3:25 p.m. to an unknown location where an unknown citizen reported having his or her identity stolen, and we now have no idea who they are.
• May 26: Police responded to a disturbance at 1 a.m. at an apartment complex on Atascadero Road. Logs indicated the case involved spousal battery at the Rockview at Sunset apartment complex.
• May 25: Police stopped another suspicious vehicle at 3:53 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the driver was cited for suspicion of driving deep in his cups.
• May 25: Police responded at 12:23 p.m. to another car crash at yet another undisclosed location. No word on how badly anyone was hurt but the cars will no doubt ever be sound again.
• May 25: Police responded at 8:57 p.m. to a reported commercial burglary but logs didn’t divulge the apparently super secret location where this happened.