• Aug. 16: At 7:29 p.m. police contacted a suspicious fellow at some undisclosed location and deduced that the master criminal had a felony warrant from out of the county, another possible case of arriving on vacation and leaving on probation.
• Aug. 16: Police responded at 3 p.m. to a hairy car crack up somewhere in town. No word on the extent of the injuries or damage but you’d better check the CARFAX before buying it used.
• Aug. 16: Police were called at 9:58 p.m. to a disturbance involving a disciple of Bacchus causing a ruckus.
• Aug. 15: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 1:50 a.m. on Atascadero Road at the Cork ‘n Bottle hooch store and arrested the allegedly tipsy driver for waiting too long to make a beer run.
• Aug. 14: Police were called to a disturbance at 4:38 p.m. at the Motel 6 on Atascadero Road. Logs indicated someone was nicked for suspicion of battering someone, a felony and a misdemeanor warrant, and possession of illegal drug paraphernalia, but their stash apparently remained well-hidden or already smoked.
• Aug. 14: Someone came to the police station on Morro Bay Boulevard at 11:45 a.m. to turn in something he or she had found someplace in town that was apparently not valuable enough to keep nor worthless enough to just toss into the garbage.
• Aug. 14: Police responded at 10:29 p.m. to an undisclosed location for a reported grand theft involving money, labor or property, which covers most everything worth stealing.
• Aug. 13: Police were called at 4:54 p.m. to a disturbed fellow causing a disturbance at City Park on Harbor Street. Logs indicated the bent gent was allegedly tanked and checked into the Parkinson Plaza on Kansas Avenue.
• Aug. 12: At 1:32 p.m. police responded to another car crash at an undisclosed location. Again, no word on the extent of the carnage.
• Aug. 12: Police responded across the street from the stationhouse on Morro Bay Boulevard to a report of some annoying flesh monkey being all phonus balonus and trying to pick a fight at the Human Bean drive-thru coffee shop, a case of you might want to cut back on the caffeine buddy.
• Aug. 12: Some citizen reported having his or her identity stolen at 7:45 a.m. and we now have no idea who they are.
• Aug. 11: Police were called at 10:55 p.m. to an undisclosed location to put out the unwelcome mat for some interloper who was trespassing on private property and refusing to leave. Turned out the bonehead had a bench warrant, a possible example of being bone to the marrow stupid.
• Aug. 11: Police were called at 7:30 p.m. to an apparently violent domestic disturbance. Logs indicated someone got cuffed on suspicion of misdemeanor battery and brandishing a weapon, and felony making terrorist threats, which ought to teach him to enhance his calm.
• Aug. 11: Police responded to the Dutchman’s Landing restaurant at Embarcadero and Pacific after someone apparently left some undisclosed item. Police took whatever it was for safekeeping.
• Aug. 11: Police responded at 3:10 p.m. to a reported felony grand theft and misdemeanor vandalism, a case of adding insult to injury.
• Aug. 11: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 1:02 p.m. who of course had a bench warrant. He or she was issued another court date to ignore and released to catch another day under the ol’ job security program.
• Aug. 11: At 12:21 p.m. officers espied another return customer with a bench warrant and he or she too was cited and unleashed back into this cruel, cruel world.
• Aug. 10: At 9:36 p.m. police were called to an unreleased location of a reported vandalism. Logs indicated it was felony vandalism and police are hunting the misbegotten knave.
• Aug. 9: Police responded at 11:34 a.m. to an undisclosed location for a report of suspicion of sodomy by force, violence or fear, aka rape, and let’s hope they get the monster responsible too.
• Aug. 8: Police responded to a disturbance at 5:38 p.m. at another undisclosed location. Logs indicated the matter involved some POS inflicting corporal injury on a child, which if there truly were justice in this world would be a hanging offense.
• Aug. 7: At 5:38 p.m. police responded to a reported petty theft committed by some apparent petty thief.
• Aug. 7: At 9:35 a.m. police contacted some maladjusted fellow with a bench warrant. The miscreant was issued another court date to miss, plus a charge of being twisted in public, which compounds the misery.
• Aug. 6: Police responded at 5 p.m. to an undisclosed location where the caller reported his or her car had been taken without their permission likely by someone they know, which is a misdemeanor, as opposed to a stranger committing grand theft auto — a felony.
• Aug. 6: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 4:14 p.m. and cited the driver for suspicion of taking an apparent four-martini lunch.
• Aug. 5: Someone found something someplace in town sometime around 11:18 a.m. and handed it over to some police officer to do something with.
• Aug. 5: At 9:40 a.m. police contacted another model citizen with a bench warrant who was issued another disappearance ticket and unleashed back into the wild.
• Aug. 5: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 7:57 a.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the driver had failed to submit to the annual DMV bloodletting and let their registration lapse.
• Aug. 4: Police responded at 12:23 p.m. to a report of another citizen who exited paradise for Heaven.
• Aug. 3: Police checkmated another regular customer at 3:04 p.m. with a felony warrant at the Giant Chessboard Park on the Embarcadero.
• Aug. 3: And they caught up to yet another citizen of the year at 9:41 a.m. who had also failed to appear for his rendezvous with destiny or at least a judge.
• Aug. 3: While be-bopping along on a morning constitutional, a retired trolley jockey happened upon a strange sight lying on the ground in the bushes outside the library on Shasta Avenue across the street from City Hall — an unspent shoot gun shell. Police were called to retrieve the curious item, which is pretty much useless without an actual gun.