• Aug. 30: At 9:36 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject at an undisclosed location. The misbegotten knave was allegedly discovered to be in possession of and transporting illegal drugs for sale and possession of some kind of weapon, as apparently the Second Amendment is no excuse with a pocket full of dope.
• Aug. 29: Police were called at 9:23 p.m. to deal with a pest at the Community Center in the 1000 block of Kennedy Way. Logs indicated the allegedly stultified idjit was arrested for resisting arrest, violating probation and being drunk as a skunk in public, in this week’s example of why the nail that sticks out gets hammered.
• Aug. 29: Police responded at 8:45 p.m. to a disturbance in the 800 block of Embarcadero where some juiced up bonehead was having a bag lady moment at the Sun ‘N Buns Bakery.
• Aug. 29: Some apparent anti-treasure hunter turned in something he or she found on the beach at Morro Rock.
• Aug. 29: At 11:29 a.m. someone called police about finding somebody who’d taken the Stairway to Heaven.
• Aug. 29: Police were called at 11:52 a.m. for a sticky-fingered shopper helping himself at Bottle Liquors.
• Aug. 29: At 8:14 a.m. police towed away a car that was parked too long at Morro Rock.
• Aug. 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9 p.m. presumably somewhere in town. Logs indicated the driver was cited for suspicion of driving in the horrors.
• Aug. 28: Police contacted another disturbing fellow at 5:15 p.m. somewhere in town. Logs indicated the bent squit was nicked for allegedly being spifficated where the tourists can see him.
• Aug. 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:24 a.m. Logs indicated the driver was DMV’d for having a fake registration, though given what this State charges, one can hardly blame them.
• Aug. 27: At 11:18 p.m. someone turned in something he or she had found to officers at the police station on Morro Bay Boulevard. Sorry, logs didn’t say what the apparent treasure was, so good luck claiming it.
• Aug. 27: Police were called at 5:14 p.m. to deal with some pesky pesterer being a pest at Albertson’s Market on Quintana Road. The scoundrel was advised to take his shoes for a walk.
• Aug. 27: The warrant squad was busy catching up to two bail jumpers at 11:26 a.m. and 2:59 p.m.
• Aug. 26: Police responded to a disturbance at 1:55 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated they encountered a smashed potato head using the help-yourself aisle. The apparent thief was charged with felony counts of vandalism and probation violation and misdemeanor shoplifting, no doubt something that wasn’t worth the consequences.
• Aug. 26: At 9:13 a.m. police snatched up another miscreant with a bench warrant. He or she was likely issued another disappearance ticket and unleashed back into the wild.
• Aug. 25: Police responded at 5:47 p.m. to a report of some maniacal madman making criminal terrorist threats, which, as a misdemeanor, apparently sounds worse than the law gives credit.
• Aug. 25: At 8:56 a.m. police were called to the 1200 block of the Embarcadero. Logs indicated they arrested some reprobationer after finding he or she was in possession of illegal drugs with multiple priors, both felonies, a case of landing in the hoosegow at Morro Bay Landing.
• Aug. 24: At 1:03 p.m. some mandated reporter notified police of a suspected case of child abuse.
• Aug. 24: Police were called at 2:36 p.m. to a disturbance somewhere in town. Logs indicated they arrested some Groom of the stool for being fitshaced in public.
• Aug. 24: Some apparently conscientious wanted fellow turned himself in at 10:43 a.m. at the police station for a bench warrant. At 11:06 a.m. police caught up to a felonious bond breaker at another undisclosed location.
• Aug. 23: Police responded at 7:45 p.m. to a found property report at Taco Bell, let’s hope it wasn’t contagious.
• Aug. 23: Police responded at 9:07 a.m. to a report of a car crash at an undisclosed location, no doubt someone’s morning commute just went kaput.
• Aug. 22: Police responded at 10:55 p.m. to a disturbance at an undisclosed location, an apparent case of unhappy hour.
• Aug. 22: Another traffic collision was reported at 6:25 p.m. somewhere in town. No word on the extent of the damage or the carnage.
• Aug. 22: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 3:49 p.m. at an undisclosed location in town. Logs indicated the driver got nailed for allegedly driving hammered.
• Aug. 22: Police responded at 2:03 p.m. to a found property report at O’Reilly Auto Parts. No word on what was found, but it probably wasn’t car parts.
• Aug. 22: Police responded at 10:34 a.m. to a report of felony vandalism at an undisclosed location, as the anarchists have apparently been running amok.
• Aug. 21: At 10:26 p.m. police mobilized at the Mobil Station to demobilize some toddy stricken scofflaw with a bench warrant who was causing a kerfuffle.
• Aug. 21: Police responded at 3:52 p.m. to the 800 block of the Embarcadero to pick up something some daffy left at the Carousel Taffy.
• Aug. 21: Police responded to a disturbance at 3:43 p.m. somewhere in town and discovered that some sinner had assaulted an elderly dependent adult.
• Aug. 21: Police responded at 3:49 p.m. to a reported hit-n-split crash at the Rockview on Sunset Apartments.
• Aug. 20: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9 p.m. at a location logs naturally didn’t divulge. Logs indicated the driver was allegedly schnockered and cited for driving on a toot.
• Aug. 19: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 12:35 p.m. hanging around the USA Gas station on Main. Logs indicated the apparent gaggle head was cited for playing ring around the nosey and possessing drug paraphernalia.
• Aug. 19: Police responded to another car crash at 11:37 a.m. at yet another undisclosed location.
• Aug. 19: Police at Morro Bay High School documented the unlawful transmission of harmful obscene sexual content sent to a minor with apparent nefarious intent.
• Aug. 19: Police cited another annoying flesh monkey with a bench warrant at 9:49 a.m.
• Aug. 18: Police responded at 2:36 p.m. to a reported shoplifter — an apparent cheapskate one at that — at the Family Dollar discount store on Quintana.
• Aug. 17: Police stopped a suspicious motorcyclist at 3:24 p.m. and cited the master criminal for the heinous offenses of failing to attach their rear license plate, not having evidence of current registration, no proof of insurance, and driving a motorcycle or scooter without the proper license.
• Aug. 17: Police contacted another sinister slugabed with a bench warrant at 3 p.m.
• Aug. 17: Police responded at 11:36 a.m. to a disturbance at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated some ruffian battered somebody and no doubt for no good reason too.