• Dec. 7: Police contacted a citizen of the year at 9:37 a.m. at City Park on Harbor Street who had an RSVP from the judge. He was issued another invite to court and released.
• Dec. 7: Police responded at 8:43 a.m. to the 500 block of Kings where someone had passed away.
• Dec. 6: Police responded at 11:54 p.m. to a disturbance in the 800 block of Main. Logs indicated some inebriated weapons grade moron with a felony warrant was arrested and another stool opened up at the bar.
• Dec. 6: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 7:44 p.m. in the 1100 block of Embarcadero. Logs indicated the apparent humanicus dooficus was reportedly out on bail and had that revoked because he or she was also allegedly high as the stacks on drugs, in this week’s example of why they call it dope.
• Dec. 6: Police responded at 4:35 p.m. to the 300 block of Monterey to say “Howdy” to someone with a bench warrant at the Morro View Trailer Park.
• Dec. 6: At 8:46 a.m. police responded to a reported trespasser in the 1100 block of Morro, where they advised the interloper to take his shoes for a walk to the County Jail.
• Dec. 5: Police responded at 12:52 a.m. to the 2900 block of Ironwood for a report of some Scaramouch brandishing a deadly weapon other than a firearm.
• Dec. 4: Police started a report on some petty thief who committed petty theft in the 1100 block of West.
• Dec. 4: At 5:52 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject at Harbor and Shasta. Logs indicated the apparent globster was allegedly in possession of suspected drug paraphernalia, his or her stash no doubt already shot.
• Dec. 4: Police responded at 11:15 a.m. to a reported grand theft and vandalism in the 1700 block of Embarcadero at the Morro Dunes RV Park.
• Dec. 3: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:03 p.m. at Main and Beach. Logs indicated the driver was nicked for suspicion of driving thick as a tick.
• Dec. 3: At 4:33 p.m. police cited a criminal vehicle for expired registration at Acacia and Palm, a hanging offense in Califreakornia.
• Dec. 3: Police responded at 2:39 p.m. to the Great American Fish Co., a restaurant in the 1100 block of Embarcadero where some scalawag committed grand larceny.
• Dec. 3: Police found and cited another automotive delinquent in the 300 block of Quintana and sentenced the owner to life at the DMV.
• Dec. 2: Police documented some vandal’s work in the 1900 block of Ironwood.
• Dec. 1: Police responded at 8:21 p.m. to the 1300 block of Berwick where someone said they’d been battered.
• Dec. 1: At 10:20 a.m. police discovered yet another unregistered vehicle at Olive and Napa, and issued the daily special.
• Nov. 30: Police responded at 10 a.m. to the Buoy Bar in the 800 block of Quintana after, presumably a woman, reported being intimately touched against their will “for sexual arousal.” No word on whether the potential masher was arrested.
• Nov. 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:22 p.m. at Main and Beach, the heart of the danger zone. Logs indicated the driver was nicked for the unholy trinity — a suspended license, blowing through a stop sign, and suspicion of driving mangled. Say good-night Gracie.
• Nov. 29: Police responded at 7:34 p.m. to Morro and Beach where some felonious fellow committed felony vandalism.
• Nov. 29: Police tried to stop a suspicious vehicle at 1:49 p.m. at Main and Atascadero Road. Logs indicated that instead of hitting the brakes the driver hit the gas and tried to flee. The driver was eventually stopped and cited for suspicion of reckless driving and evading an officer, an apparent case of going full speed with half a brain.
• Nov: 29: Police contacted a regular customer with a bench warrant in the 1500 block of Main who apparently stood up a judge for a date.
• Nov. 28: Police responded at 9:38 p.m. to a disturbance at Legend’s Tavern corner of Main and Harbor. Logs indicated one of the legendary juice weasels had gotten a tad over squeezed and out of control. Once arrested the groom of the stool was discovered to have been playing ring around the nosey and allegedly found in possession of suspected illegal drugs, which explains much.
• Nov. 28: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 5 p.m. in the 300 block of Surf who had an invitation to tea with the judge.
• Nov. 27: At 9:28 a.m. police responded to a disturbance in the 300 block of Surf where they discovered someone on probation. A search allegedly discovered he or she was in possession of suspected illegal drugs, and because they have two or more prior convictions for drugs was elevated to a felony, so they’re in double trouble now fer sure.
• Nov. 26: Police responded at 11:19 p.m. to a disturbance in the 600 block of Harbor at the Morro Bay Library. Apparently some worm assaulted someone and then booked.
• Nov. 26: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 2:26 p.m. in the 2400 block of Nutmeg and hit the Mother Lode. Logs indicated the master criminal was nicked for suspicion of purchasing narcotics, possessing narcotics and narcotic paraphernalia, possession of narcotics for sale, transporting narcotics between counties, purchasing narcotics for resale, and driving on a suspended license, which all adds up to a 1-way ticket to Palookaville.
• Nov. 26: At 1:30 p.m. police responded to a reported missing person at the Case de Flores nursing home on Teresa Drive.
• Nov. 26: At 1:05 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject at Atascadero Road and the Embarcadero. Logs indicated the apparent beach bum had a bench warrant from out of town and was found to allegedly be in possession of drug paraphernalia, his stash no doubt already smoked.
• Nov. 26: Police responded to a disturbance at 12:35 p.m. in the 1100 block of Main at the Cypress RV & MHP. Logs indicated the root of the disturbance had a restraining order against him or her, which they ignored; was on probation, which they violated; and was also allegedly found to be in possession of suspected drug paraphernalia, which the judge ain’t gonna like much at all, no siree.
• Nov. 25: Police responded at 7:30 p.m. to a disturbance in the 2600 block of Greenwood. Logs indicated yet another criminal mastermind was arrested for suspicion of possessing drugs for sale, possessing drugs, and two counts for possession of drug paraphernalia, which amounts to one felony and three misdemeanor charges, but will no doubt be pled down to less than a swat in the arse.
• Nov. 26: Police towed away two offensive vehicles from the 1700 block of Clarabelle and from Downing and Hillcrest for failure to give the DMV its annual monstrous bloodletting.
• Nov. 25: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 10:06 a.m. in the 700 block of Morro Bay Blvd. The scofflaw had a bench warrant and was issued a second disappearance ticket and unleashed back into the wilds.
• Nov. 24: At 9 p.m. in The Pitt (north Morro Creek parking lot) police chanced upon a suspicious vehicle. Logs indicated the driver got the ol’ double-whammy — a suspended driver’s license and of course the vehicle had expired registration because if one isn’t going to bother to get a license, is registration really necessary?
• Nov. 24: Police responded at 6:30 p.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Mesa. Logs indicated the call involved a mentally ill person deemed a danger to themselves or to others.
• Nov. 24: Police responded at 6:51 p.m. to a car crash in the 1100 block of Main. No word on the extent of the carnage.
• Nov. 24: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 3:30 p.m. in the 800 block of Morro Bay Blvd., apparently right in front of the police station. Logs indicated the dingus driving was nicked for suspicion of driving half cut at the wheel.
• Nov. 24: Police stopped a suspicious subject at 2:45 p.m. in the 800 block of Quintana at Round Table Pizza. Logs indicated the model citizen was arrested for suspicion of possession of drugs and paraphernalia and possession with two prior convictions for the same nefarious nincompoopery.
• Nov. 24: Two more bad vehicles were towed off for expired registration, one in the 300 block of Island and the other at Tide and Yerba Buena, as the hooligan crackdown continues unabated.