• Feb. 15: Police responded at 8:56 a.m. to chase off some meat sack who was refusing to skedaddle from the Human Bean, in the 800 block of Morro Bay Blvd., across the street from the police station.
• Feb. 14: Police were called at 10 a.m. after some apparently evil valentine broke into a business at an undisclosed location and made off with some unlisted treasure.
• Feb. 14: Police responded at 11:54 a.m. to a traffic collision somewhere in town. No word on the severity of the damage or the suffering of those involved, but we can always pray for the best outcome.
• Feb. 14: Police responded at 3:08 a.m. to an undisclosed location after someone reported a smash-n-dash crash.
• Feb. 14: Police were called at 3:05 a.m. to deal with some sort of disturbance at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the disturbance was caused by some disturbed dingus who was drunk, which itself is disturbing.
• Feb. 13: Police responded at 6:19 p.m. to a reported abuse of an elderly/dependent adult, someplace in town. Logs deemed it an aggravated assault but no further details were given.
• Feb. 13: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 2:07 p.m. someplace in town. Logs indicated the driver hadn’t paid the DMV its pound of flesh and that he or she was allegedly in possession of nitrous oxide or laughing gas, which is nothing to laugh about and no doubt wiped the smile off their face.
• Feb. 12: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 6:13 a.m. somewhere in town. Logs indicated the apparent scruffy Philistine was arrested for resisting arrest, trespassing, being a “public nuisance” and having an open container of booze, which explains a lot.
• Feb. 12: Police responded to a disturbance at 9:17 p.m. at an undisclosed house involving alleged battery of a spouse by some louse.
• Feb. 12: At 1:06 p.m. somebody found something someplace and turned it over to police to do something with.
• Feb. 12: Police responded at 1:22 p.m. to the 800 block of Embarcadero after some undesirable fellow walked into the Harbor Walk Inn and then refused to leave.
• Feb. 12: Someone found something somewhere and brought it down to the police station.
• Feb. 12: At 9:06 a.m. police cited another scoundrel who’d left his or her car parked too long in the same spot, a hanging offense in some places.
• Feb. 12: Police contacted a suspicious subject out and about at 1:38 a.m. when all are suspicious in this town at that hour. Logs indicated the annoying flesh monkey was allegedly stoned on drugs and in violation of his or her parole.
• Feb. 11: At 10:47 p.m. police stopped a suspicious vehicle at Anytime Fitness on Quintana Road. Logs indicated they nicked the driver for suspicion of boosting the vehicle without the owner’s permission and in violation of parole.
• Feb. 11: Police responded at 9:20 p.m. to Albertson’s Market on Quintana for someone using the help-yourself aisle. Logs indicated the sticky-fingered sneetch was also tanked up on hooch, proving once again there’s more to the elephant than the tusks.
• Feb. 11: Police responded to a disturbance call at 1:54 p.m. at Morro Rock. Logs indicated the problem was some inebriated Mamaluke who was apparently having a bag lady moment.
• Feb. 11: Someone found a no doubt valuable treasure and turned it over to police at the stationhouse.
• Feb. 10: Police responded at 7:32 p.m. to a disturbance at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated they started a case for felony spousal abuse and let’s hope they put the sinister scamboogah away.
• Feb. 10: Police responded at 11:10 a.m. to a report of somebody with stolen property. No word on if they stole it themselves or got it from some other weasel.
• Feb. 9: Someone called police at 9:13 a.m. to report their identity was stolen, and we’ve no idea who they are.
• Feb. 8: Police responded at 10:24 p.m. to the Rockview at Sunset Apartments for some sort of informational incident that apparently didn’t amount to much.
• Feb. 8: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:06 a.m. at some undisclosed location. Logs indicated they spanked the driver for suspicion of driving loaded and apparently with a child in the vehicle, which they declared was felony child abuse.
• Feb. 7: Police responded at 12:17 p.m. to a disturbance somewhere in town. Logs indicated it was apparently a crazy case for County Mental Health.
• Feb. 7: Police were called to a disturbance at 1:39 a.m. at a legendary Downtown watering hole in the 900 block of Main. Logs indicated they nicked some rabble rouser for suspicion of being on the razzle at Legend’s Tavern.
• Feb. 6: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 2:38 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the person was busted on suspicion of possessing illegal drugs and got tossed to the wolves.
• Feb. 6: Police responded at 10:16 a.m. to a disturbing guest at the Morro Inn & Suites on Atascadero Road. Logs indicated the disturbing disturber was allegedly high on drugs and crashed in the County lockup.
• Feb. 4: Police responded at 5 p.m. to the abandoned former Rite Aid store on Quintana Road where some hooligan had reportedly snatched a purse from someone.
• Feb. 4: Police responded at 1:07 p.m. to an undisclosed location for a report of some scalawag breaking into and stealing items out of an assumed parked vehicle.
• Feb. 3: Police responded to a suspicious subject report at 11:22 p.m. at the closed but apparently still popular Rite Aid store on Quintana Road. Logs indicated they contacted the hoodlum and busted him or her for suspicion of possessing illegal drugs, and having more than two prior convictions for the same nincompoopery; possession of drug paraphernalia, and of course a bench warrant, a case of thunderation man, there must be a safer place than Rite Aid to get stoned.
• Feb. 2: Police cited an apparently offensive vehicle at 3:57 p.m. someplace in town for violation of the parking-in-one-place too long law.
• Feb. 2: Police responded at 11:24 a.m. to the Cypress Morro Bay RV and MHP in the 1100 block of Main for a report of grand theft involving money, labor or property, all of which seem despicable.