• May 24: Police responded at 9:38 p.m. to Albertson’s Market on Quintana to deal with some groom of the stool making an arse of himself. The fellow had a bench warrant, proving once again that the nail that sticks out gets hammered.
• May 24: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the ungodly time on 12:06 a.m. in the 1500 block of Main. Logs indicated the driver got schtooped for driving stupid.
• May 23: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:17 p.m. in the 800 block of Piney Way next to Foster’s Freeze drive in. The driver was tossed to the gaol for suspicion of driving legless.
• May 23: At 11:33 a.m. police contacted a poisonous fellow in the 2300 block of Hemlock who had a felony warrant.
• May 23: At 11:33 a.m. police ticketed another parked car with expired registration tags in the 2000 block of Sandalwood, normally such a nice upscale neighborhood.
• May 22: At 7:38 p.m. in the 300 block of Harbor police contacted a suspicious subject traipsing about and arrested the blasted bloke for suspicion of being drunk on the fumes of victory, a possible case of just ‘cause it kills your liver, don’t mean it ain’t medicine.
• May 22: Yet another undisclosed lost item was found and turned over to police at the stationhouse.
• May 21: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:44 p.m. in the Albertson’s Market parking lot. Logs indicated they arrested the driver for suspicion of going shopping while inebriated.
• May 21: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:52 p.m. apparently heading out of town at Atascadero Road and Ironwood. Logs indicated the fooliot driver was cited for suspicion of driving plastered with a suspended license no less.
• May 21: At 12:20 p.m. police responded to an emergency alarm at the High School, as some future Dean’s lister apparently pulled a fire alarm.
• May 20: Police were called at 10:53 p.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Main at the Siren. Logs indicated they arrested some apparently bent fellow who was also charged with suspicion of resisting arrest and assault on a police officer, in addition to his (or her) being drunk and acting beastly.
• May 20: At 3:10 p.m. police contacted a suspicious fellow in the 300 block of Surf who naturally had a trio of out of county felony and misdemeanor bench warrants. He or she was hauled to the hoosegow to await a ride back home, a case of there’s more to the elephant than the tusks.
• May 20: Police responded at 12:54 p.m. to a report of petty theft at Legend’s Tavern in the 800 block of Main. No word on what was stolen but it was no doubt legendary.
• May 20: Police at 12:27 p.m. made a run for the border and caught up to a wanted pendejo at Taco Bell on Main who had a warrant.
• May 20: At 9:43 a.m. police caught up to another scofflaw in the 1700 block of Main who also had a bench warrant. And before that, at 9:18 a.m. in the 400 block of Quintana they caught up to another annoying flesh monkey with a warrant.
• May 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 0:13 a.m. at South Bay and Quintana. Logs indicated the driver was nicked for suspicion of being half cut behind the wheel.
• May 19: Police responded at 2:22 p.m. to the 1100 block of Monterey where some tortured soul reported receiving threatening phone calls and being stalked by some no doubt gaggle headed Scaramouch.
• May 17: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle in the 400 block of Atascadero Rd., no doubt while beatin’ feet out of town at 10:53 p.m. Logs indicated the driver was nicked for suspicion of being thick as a tick.
• May 17: Police stopped a naughty driver at 8:04 p.m. at Harbor and Piney Way and ticketed the anarchist for not wearing a seatbelt.
• May 16: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:02 p.m. in the 1000 block of Main. Logs indicated the driver was cited for misdemeanor suspicion of driving tanked and felony violation of probation, showing once and for all where the priorities lay.
• May 16: At 7:40 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject who had a bench warrant in the 900 block of Morro Bay Blvd., at the Morro Bay Coffee Co., showing once again that too much caffeine ain’t good for you.
• May 16: At 12:47 p.m. in the 900 block of Morro police contacted yet another model citizen with a bench warrant shattering the serenity at La Serena Inn.
• May 15: At 10:32 p.m. police caught up to another citizen of the year in the 300 block of Surf who had an RSVP from the judge. Logs indicated the apparent liar also allegedly gave police a fake name and was allegedly caught with dope in his or her possession, which explains a lot.
• May 15: Police responded at 4:43 p.m. to the 2700 block of Elm for a report of someone getting swindled by some larcenous swindler.
• May 15: Police responded at 4 p.m. to the Harbor House Inn in the 1000 block of Main where they’d reported felony identity theft and petty theft.
• May 15: Police espied a suspicious vehicle at Greenwood and Avalon. Logs indicated they cited the offensive auto for expired registration, a hanging offense in this state.
• May 15: Police responded at 2:38 p.m. to a car crash in the 400 block of Quintana. No word on the extent of the carnage.
• May 14: Someone found some unidentified something somewhere at Dunes and Market.
• May 14: Another unregistered vehicle was spotted at Driftwood and Monterey and was ticketed, as the crime wave continues.
• May 14: Some unknown citizen turned in at the police station some undisclosed treasure they found at an unnamed location.
• May 14: Police ticketed a lazy bones vehicle that somebody parked for too long in the 2500 block of Ironwood.
• May 13: Someone turned in something that was found or left behind at the Best Western San Marcos Inn in the 200 block of Pacific.
• May 12: Police responded at 8:30 a.m. to Del Mar School on Sequoia after someone reported receiving terrorist threats of bodily harm, or a Tuesday at schools in this country.
• May 12: Police responded at 9:51 p.m. to a report of some mulish idjit violating a domestic violence restraining order.