• March 1: At 5 p.m. police responded to Lila Keiser Park to obtain some no doubt super-secret information on some earth-shattering matter.
• March 1: Police responded at 1:44 p.m. to an undisclosed location to deal with a trespasser. No word on the interloper’s fate.
• Feb. 28: Police were notified at 6:56 p.m. of the passing of some poor unnamed soul.
• Feb. 28: Somebody found something sometime before 1:32 p.m. someplace in town and gave it to some police officer.
• Feb. 27: Police contacted a suspicious subject with at 8:54 p.m. with felony warrant and checked him or her into the no-star iron bar hotel.
• Feb. 27: At 4:21 p.m. police stopped a suspicious vehicle in the 2900 block of North Main. Logs indicated the driver was popped for suspicion of driving in a beer fog.
• Feb. 27: Police responded at 2:03 p.m. to a report of some scoundrel breaking into a presumably parked vehicle. Sorry, police didn’t say where it was.
• Feb. 27: At 7:22 a.m. police responded to a reported car crash some place in town. No word on the extent of the carnage.
• Feb. 26: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 9:37 p.m. somewhere under the rainbow and cited the scarecrow for suspicion of possessing drugs.
• Feb. 26: Police responded at 12:43 p.m. to a disturbance in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. Logs indicated some dim bulb was causing the ruckus because he or she was a bit sideways at Motel 6.
• Feb. 26: Police responded at 9:39 a.m. to a disturbance. Logs indicated it was a case for County Mental Health.
• Feb. 25: Police contacted another suspicious subject at 1:52 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the citizen of the year was nicked for suspicion of possessing drugs.
• Feb. 25: Police responded at 11:20 a.m. to Motel 6 on Atascadero Rd., where a guest said he or she had been robbed.
• Feb. 25: Police responded at 1:19 a.m. to a reported disturbance. Logs indicated some apparent gaggle head was arrested for suspicion of being blitzed on drugs.
• Feb. 24: Police responded at 9:24 p.m. to the 1000 block of Main to arrest someone with a misdemeanor warrant at the Coastal Breeze Inn, another apparent case of arrive on vacation and leave on probation.
• Feb. 24: Police responded at 7 p.m. to the 200 block of Beach for a disturbance at the Best Western Tradewinds Motel. Logs indicated they nicked some stultified cowboy for suspicion of being fuzzy in public.
• Feb. 24: Police responded at 5:52 p.m. to Albertson’s Market on Quintana Rd., where they apparently caught a sticky-fingered customer using the help-yourself checkout line.
• Feb. 24: Somebody at the Maritime Museum on Front Street found something and gave it to police for some reason.
• Feb. 24: Police responded at 10 a.m. to an undisclosed location where someone reported an animal left in an over-heated vehicle that was apparently in distress.
• Feb. 24: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 10 a.m. somewhere in town who turned out to have a bench warrant. The schmoe was issued another disappearance ticket and released to catch another day.
• Feb. 23: Police were called at 9 p.m. regarding some suspicious subject who was trespassing. The Snallygaster was also allegedly in possession of drugs and was issued a citation and advised to take his or her shoes for a walk.
• Feb. 23: At 9:04 a.m. police issued a citation to a parked car at Tidelands Park because the driver was overdue with paying the DMV his annual pound of flesh.
• Feb. 22: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the suspect time of 11:15 p.m. at some no-doubt unsuspicious intersection in town. The suspect was suspiciously reeking of hooch and police arrested the bloke for suspicion of driving schmammered.
• Feb. 22: Police responded to a disturbance at 1:26 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the disturbance was some disturbed drunken fellow who was distributed into County Jail for drunk and disorderly conduct.
• Feb. 20: Police responded at 12:55 p.m. to a report of suspected child abuse. Logs indicated the case involved great bodily injury and a felony.
• Feb. 19: Police contacted a model citizen at 4:43 p.m. who had an outstanding bench warrant.
• Feb. 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle for some no doubt trumped up code violation, at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the scofflaw had a suspended license and no current registration. He or she was ticketed and sentenced to life at the DMV.
• Feb. 19: At 11:06 a.m. police came across a suspicious parked vehicle with an expired registration, a hanging offense in some states.
• Feb. 18: Police were called to a disturbance at 8:55 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the case involved suspected battery of an ex-spouse, which no doubt explains the “ex” part.
• Feb. 18: At 3:58 p.m. at an undisclosed location, police contacted a suspicious subject. Logs indicated he or she was nicked for alleged possession of illegal drugs, a misdemeanor whoopsy-poopsy offense.
• Feb. 18: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:40 p.m. that reportedly blew through a stop sign. The driver also had a suspended license; a case of it takes two to make one trouble.
• Feb. 17: Police contacted a suspicious subject at an undisclosed location in town. Logs indicated the fiend was allegedly playing ring around the nosey and in possession of illegal drugs, too.
• Feb. 17: Police at 8:35 a.m. contacted a suspicious subject at another undisclosed location. Logs indicated the sneaky sneak was in possession of suspected drug paraphernalia, his or her stash apparently already shot.
• Feb. 17: Police responded to Envoy Mortgage in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd., after they’d found some treasure and turned it over to police.
• Feb. 16: Police responded at 10:35 p.m. to an undisclosed location after someone reported a citizen had passed away.