• May 25: Police responded at 8:54 p.m. to a report of some weapons grade moron making a pest of himself at Rite Aid on Quintana Road. According to logs, the fool was on probation, which he violated, and that led to new charges of suspicion of possession of illegal drugs, with two prior arrests for drugs making this one a felony, plus having paraphernalia. He was apparently given a 1-way ticket to Palooka Ville.
• May 23: Police responded at 12:13 p.m. to a traffic collision at an undisclosed location in town.
• May 23: Police responded at 7:17 a.m. to the 700 block of Harbor for a reported trespasser, as some odd fellow was hanging around the Odd Fellow’s Lodge.
• May 22: Police responded at 10:31 a.m. to a report of assault with a deadly weapon. Logs did not disclose the location of this sinister evil deed, but it was listed as a misdemeanor, so…
• May 22: Someone found something at City Park on Harbor Street and gave it to a no doubt eternally grateful police officer.
• May 21: At 9:47 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject at the Vet’s Hall. The apparent ne’er-do-well had an out-of-county warrant and got nicked.
• May 21: At 3:18 p.m. police logged a report of suspected felony rape of an unconscious person.
• May 20: At 11:05 p.m. police stopped a suspicious vehicle and tagged the knave for having false tags.
• May 20: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 2:13 p.m. at an undisclosed location in town. According to logs, the driver got the big trifecta — suspended license; identity theft for using a fake ID; and, of course, driving with a belly full of tarantula juice.
• May 19: Graffidiots apparently unleashed a weapon of mass desecration at Del Mar Park.
• May 19: Someone found something at Bottle Liquors in the 900 block of Main, and had police respond to get it. No word on what was found, but if it’s valuable, it’s a sure bet it ain’t yours.
• May 19: Police took a report of alleged lewd and lascivious conduct with a child under-14.
• May 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle on some no doubt trumped up charge, at an undisclosed location at 10:47 a.m. Logs indicated the driver’s license was suspended after he or she got a DUI, an infraction that’s usually good for about 10 days in the clink.
• May 19: Police responded at 7:50 a.m. to Del Mar Park for a report of vandalism, as some humanicus dooficus apparently decided to leave his mark on the world.
• May 18: Police fishing at 7:19 p.m. hooked a suspicious vehicle on the Embarcadero at Giovanni’s Fish Market and landed a big one. Logs indicated the unidentified driver was nicked for suspicion of driving kootered with an open container, as it must be 5 o’clock somewhere.
• May 18: At 3:32 p.m. police responded to a traffic crash at an undisclosed location involving an unidentified level of carnage.
• May 18: Police took a report of misdemeanor alleged child abuse with great bodily injury.
• May 17: Police responded at 7:30 p.m. to a reported felony commercial burglary, but logs left unanswered a few “W’s” — where did it happen; what was stolen; and, who’s the scoundrel responsible? They also listed the heinous crimes of possessing illegal drugs and paraphernalia at the same time, which probably explains a lot but excuses nothing.
• May 17: Someone turned in something they found somewhere presumably in town, with some hope police can somehow find the something’s rightful owner.
• May 17: At 11:57 a.m. at an undisclosed location police contacted an unnamed probationer and, whoopsy-poopsy, he or she had a warrant. Logs indicated the model citizen also was allegedly in possession of suspected drug paraphernalia, their stash apparently already gone up in smoke.
• May 17: Police were called at 1:25 a.m. to a disturbance at the Sea Air Inn on Morro Bay Boulevard. Logs indicated some no doubt husband of the year was tossed into the tank for suspicion of spousal battery and, of course, being drunk.
• May 16: The scofflaw roundup was on as police contacted three different people who had bench warrants. The first was at 9:43 p.m. at the library on May 15; the second at City Park at 12:10 a.m.; and the third was at the Salvation Army on Quintana at 8:48 p.m. Logs did not indicate whether the delinquents were actually arrested but SOP is you’d get another disappearance ticket with a new court date to ignore and be left free to pick up another time.
• May 15: Police started a new case of some Snallygaster ripping off an elderly person in town through some kind of scumbag scam.
• May 14: Police contacted yet another fellow with a bench warrant, someplace in town.
• May 14: Police responded at 2:09 p.m. to the Ocean View Manor Apts., where some poor soul had died.
• May 14: Police responded at 6 a.m. to McDonald’s on Quintana Road, after some apparent Fry Goblin found something and wanted to turn it over to Officer Big Mac.
• May 13: Police contacted some suspicious subject at 10:51 p.m. somewhere in town and cited him or her for suspicion of possessing illegal drugs, which will teach him not to hog the joint.
• May 13: At 8:12 p.m. police started a case of suspected possession of obscene material of a minor in a sex act, a.k.a. child pornography.
• May 13: At 9:53 a.m. police towed away a vehicle for violation of the City’s parking in one place for too long law.
• May 12: Police at 11:41 p.m. were at the Buoy Bar on Quintana Road where they came across a fellow with a warrant. Logs indicated the dingus was also allegedly in possession of a hookah pipe, in this week’s example of why they call it dope.
• May 12: Police responded at 3:37 a.m. to a traffic collision, no word on where or how bad it was.
• May 12: Police started another case of someone swindling an elderly citizen. No word on where it happened or how much the sinister Nodcock stole.
• May 12: Some apparent pawn at the Giant Chessboard Park on the Embarcadero found something of some apparent value and turned it over to police.