• April 12: At 2:13 p.m. someone turned in something they found somewhere in town, handing it over to some cop to do something with.
• April 12: At 12:18 p.m. police ticketed an offensive vehicle parked in one place too long, a hanging offense in this town.
• April 12: Police responded at 12:40 a.m. to a reported disciple of Bacchus having a legendary night at Legend’s Tavern on Main Street.
• April 11: At 5:48 p.m. at an undisclosed location police responded to a domestic dustup. Logs indicated it was a case of misdemeanor spousal battery. No word on if an arrest was made, though one can only hope.
• April 10: Police were called at 1:57 p.m. to a report of someone allegedly doing drugs in plain sight at the ‘Lil Hut on the Embarcadero.
• April 10: Police responded at 10 a.m. to a report of a deceased person at the Pacific Cottage Motel on Alder Street.
• April 9: Police responded to two car crashes, one at 2:18 p.m. and the other at 3:54 p.m. No word on injuries.
• April 8: Somebody came to the police station at 11:34 a.m. to turn over something they’d apparently found at an undisclosed location. If it was yours, good luck identifying it.
• April 9: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 3:11 a.m. at an undisclosed location, though frankly at that hour anywhere outdoors is suspicious. Logs indicated the Mamaluke had a felony warrant from another county, and police also allegedly found illegal drugs in his or her possession.
• April 8: At 11:43 p.m. Police contacted a suspicious subject out and about when decent folks are home in bed. Logs indicated he or she was nicked for alleged possession of illegal drugs and paraphernalia, in the latest example of why you don’t take a joint from a guy named Don.
• April 8: Again, someone turned in some lost treasure they’d found that apparently wasn’t worth just keeping.
• April 8: At 9:50 a.m. police ticketed a vehicle parked at the launch ramp for expired registration and violation of the City’s anti-parking-in-one-place-too-long law.
• April 8: Police responded at 8:29 a.m. to a report of some unwanted plod refusing to leave private property. The apparent swamp donkey also had a bench warrant.
• April 7: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:15 p.m. who apparently had a headlight or brake light out. Logs indicated the driver apparently then got cited for resisting arrest.
• April 7: At 7:51 p.m. police responded to a domestic dispute somewhere in town. Logs indicated it was a case of suspected spousal abuse.
• April 7: Police are investigating another case of suspected identity theft, and we have no idea who the victim is now.
• April 7: Yet another vehicle was cited for illegal parking, no word on if this was also down at the launch ramp, but that’s the way to bet.
• April 6: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:55 p.m. somewhere in town. Logs indicated the driver was arrested for suspicion of driving stinky and having a suspended license for a previous stinky driving case, as the time-space continuum is shattered once again.
• April 6: Police responded at 5:39 p.m. to an undisclosed location in town after another citizen passed away.
• April 6: Police responded at 12:50 p.m. to a disturbance at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the incident involved assault through intimidation or fightin’ words spit out a bit too close for comfort.
• April 6: Police responded at noon to a disturbance somewhere in town. Logs indicated the disturbing fellow was allegedly bent in public and went all woolly-booger on officers, who had to subdue the moron and then reportedly found drug paraphernalia in his possession.
• April 6: Police responded at 8:50 a.m. to Albertson’s Market on Quintana where some irritating fellow was reportedly drunk and acting disorderly, in the latest example of why they call it dope.
• April 5: Police responded at 11:35 p.m. to a disturbance somewhere in town. Logs indicated some louse was abusing his spouse, and with police he roughhoused so let’s hope he went to the big house.
• April 5: Police responded at 8:19 p.m. to an undisclosed location. Logs indicated they had an apparently unwelcomed guest refusing to beat it. He was advised to take his shoes for a walk.
• April 5: Police were called at 2:05 p.m. to deal with some interloper who was someplace he hadn’t ought to be. The trespassing dingus also had a felony bench warrant and got checked into the iron bar hotel with the zero-star service rating.
• April 5: Police responded at 9:21 a.m. to a report of lost property at McDonald’s on Quintana, a case of round up the unusual suspects.
• April 5: Police responded at 8:15 a.m. after someone passed away.
• April 4: Police responded at 2:12 p.m. to an undisclosed location for some kind of a disturbance. Logs indicated some fool was cited for alleged possession of illegal drugs and being higher than the stacks on drugs.
• April 4: Police responded at 9:55 p.m. to a disturbed fellow at Morro Rock. Logs indicated the apparent weapons grade moron had gotten lubricated and then pulled a knife to threaten somebody, and when police arrived apparently thought he was facing a horde of ICE agents and resisted arrest. He was hauled to the hoosegow because when you mess with the bull you get the horns.
• April 4: Police responded at 9:06 p.m. to O’Reilly Auto Parts on Quintana to deal with some apparent problem child. The humanicus dooficus had a bench warrant, which no doubt shut him up right now.
• April 3: Police responded at 6:27 p.m. to Albertson’s Market on Quintana for what must have been an entertaining sight. Logs indicated the fellow had been caught allegedly conspiring with some other jackanape to shoplift, then crashed his or her car in a smash n dash while apparently trying to fugitate.
• April 3: Someone found something somewhere in town and turned it in at the police station. No word on what the treasure was.
• April 3: Police responded at 8:22 a.m. to a reported case of suspected child abused.
• April 2: At 5 p.m. police received a report of a missing person at Morro Rock.
• April 2: Police cited an apparently parked car at 12:48 p.m. because the owner hadn’t submitted to the annual DMV bloodletting.
• April 1: Police responded at 11:43 p.m. to a reported disturbance at Blue Sail Inn on Market. Logs indicated they detained someone for being flapping-out drunk and issued a mental health hold.
• April 1: Police responded at 4:46 p.m. to Albertson’s Market where some mulish snallygaster was refusing to leave.
• March 31: Police responded at 5:07 p.m. to a store on Front Street after they received terrorist threats at the Az-Hi-Az-I-Am surf shop.
• March 31: Police responded at 9:20 a.m. to a report of car burglary, identity theft and credit card fraud at the Tobacco Mart.
• March 31: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 1:37 a.m. someplace in town. Logs indicated they cited the zhlub for allegedly possessing paraphernalia and playing ring around the nosey.
• March 30: At 9:51 p.m. police responded to another disturbance that ended in a call to County Mental Health and a 72-hour timeout.
• March 30: Police responded at 8:08 p.m. to another missing person report at Morro Rock.
• March 30: At 7:23 p.m. two cars tried to occupy the same space at the same time and as Einstein never theorized, they crashed.
•March 30: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 4:10 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the driver got pinched for suspicion of driving spanked.
• March 30: At 1:40 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject someplace in town. Logs indicated the apparent swagman had a bench warrant and the nodcock was also nicked for failure to register as a convicted sex offender.