• Oct. 11: Police responded at 10:56 p.m. to a hooch-infused disturbance, as it was apparently a legendary night at Legend’s Tavern.
• Oct. 11: Police were called at 4:23 p.m. to deal with some urban camper setting up camp at the recently refurbished Coleman Park in violation of the City’s anti-sleeping-were-they-can’t-collect-a-tax law.
• Oct. 11: At 3:49 p.m. police stopped a suspicious vehicle at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated all they could get the driver on was an expired registration.
• Oct. 11: Police contacted a reprobationer at 3:32 p.m. and arrested the felonious gaggle head for violating the terms of their probation.
• Oct. 11: Police stopped a suspicious subject at 1:09 p.m. who had allegedly been playing ring around the nosey. The Mamaluke got a 1-way ticket to Palookaville.
• Oct. 11: Police responded at 9:12 a.m. to Bayshore Bluffs Park where some poor chap said he’d been robbed of something worth more than $400.
• Oct. 10: Police responded to a car crash at 10:22 p.m. though logs gave no more juicy details.
• Oct. 10: At 9:34 p.m. police responded lights and sirens to The Siren, located at the corner of Harbor and Main, where some ululating Nodcock was causing a disturbance.
• Oct. 10: Police contacted two model citizens with bench warrants, the first at 8:41 a.m. and the other dingus at 8:48 a.m.
• Oct. 9: Police responded at 10:04 a.m. to a local business that reported a petty theft, and no doubt a task force was formed to hunt down the fiend.
• Oct. 8: At 9:57 a.m. police responded to a reported misdemeanor vandalism committed by some no doubt hooligan graffidiot.
• Oct. 7: At 5:24 p.m. police took a missing person report and thanks to the highly informative media logs we not only don’t know where they are, we don’t know who they are either.
• Oct. 7: Police responded at 3:20 p.m. to the public boat launch ramp at the south end of The Embarcadero. According to logs they cited presumably a fisherman for suspicion of drunk driving both a truck and a boat, as apparently somebody caught both fish and a buzz.
• Oct. 7: At 2:27 p.m. police at the high school on Atascadero Road took a battery report for simple assault, as apparently some butthead bully went after someone.
• Oct. 7: Police responded at 5:52 a.m. to roust some poor swagman caught sleeping in the bushes at the Community Center.
• Oct. 6: At 4:21 p.m. police took another missing person report.
• Oct. 6: At 12:17 p.m. police responded to another car crash at an unnamed location with undisclosed possible injuries.
• Oct. 6: At 2:25 a.m. police contacted yet another dastardly villain with a bench warrant.
• Oct. 5: Police responded at 6:48 p.m. to a domestic dustup at Morro Rock. Logs indicated some louse was nicked for abuse of his spouse and naturally, being ripped in public.
• Oct. 5: At 2:42 p.m. police responded to a suspicious subject call at City Park, the new hooligan hangout in town. Logs indicated they caught some stultified Schmoe allegedly in possession of illegal drugs. He or she also has more than two prior convictions for the same skullduggery and had that extra felony added to their bag of woes.
• Oct. 3: Police responded to a disturbance at unhappy hour (5:08 p.m.) at an undisclosed location in town. Logs indicated some bent fellow was raising a hoo-ha-ha and apparently needed an attitude adjustment.
• Oct. 3: At 3:50 p.m. some unnamed person gave some unidentified police officer some undisclosed information about some unknown but no doubt serious something.
• Oct. 3: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 3:21 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the model citizen was nicked for misdemeanor possession of drugs and paraphernalia, and having two or more (most likely more), previous convictions for the same nincompoopery, which oddly enough is a felony.
• Oct. 3: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:03 p.m. and unleashed a hellhound, citing the scofflaw for no proof of registration, expired registration, no proof of insurance, no insurance, and a burned-out brake light. The poor squit will now serve life at the DMV.
• Oct. 3: Police stopped another suspicious vehicle at 10:23 a.m. and that master criminal also didn’t have a valid registration and got cited, as the State does have a $30 billion deficit to cover.
• Oct. 2: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the suspect time of 11:30 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated they busted the buster for allegedly driving battered and of course expired registration, as he no doubt got drunk and forgot to submit to the annual DMV bloodletting.
• Oct. 2: Police contacted a suspicious bonehead at 12:55 p.m. in City Park who of course had a bench warrant. They nabbed another forgetful Dodger at 3:30 p.m. also in City Park and issued both disappearance tickets to catch again next month.
• Oct. 1: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:35 p.m. at Burger King on Quintana Road and arrested the toasted whopper for allegedly driving pickled, a case where he or she didn’t have it their way at all.
• Oct. 1: Police responded at 2:17 p.m. to a local business where some petty thief committed petty theft.
• Oct. 1: Police responded at 10:48 a.m. to serve a bench warrant at La Serena Inn on Morro Avenue.
• Oct. 1: Police responded at 3:46 a.m. to an undisclosed location in town after someone realized his or her car had been stolen either by a stranger or maybe borrowed by a relative without permission, but a felony either way. Logs also listed two other felonies — burglary and vandalism over $400 — in the case, so somebody’s in real trouble now.
• Sept. 30: Someone found something somewhere sometime before 10:56 a.m. and somehow decided to give it to police.
• Sept. 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:21 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the driver, an apparent disciple of Bacchus was cited for suspicion of driving sloppy, on a suspended license and while on probation for a previous DUI, a case of going full speed with half a brain.
• Sept. 29: Police responded to a disturbance at 8:06 p.m. at a watering hole in the 2900 block of North Main, as some naughty boy got deep in his cups at the Nauti Anchor. The annoying flesh monkey was cited for trespassing and refusing to leave, a bench warrant and naturally, resisting arrest. He no doubt spent the night in the hoosegow.
• Sept. 29: Police responded at 3:14 p.m. and took a report of some scamboogah scamming a citizen out of over $400 cash, a felony.
• Sept. 29: Police responded at 1 p.m. to a schnockered idjit causing a kerfuffle at Lila Keiser Park.
• Sept. 29: Police responded at 7:41 p.m. to a car crash at an undisclosed location. No word on the extent of the carnage.
• Sept. 28: Police responded at 5:25 p.m. to an undisclosed location where someone had passed away.
• Sept. 28: At 3:51 p.m. police responded to another car crash and again gave little to no information on the extent of the damage, though one might assume the cars will never be the same.
• Sept. 28: Police responded at 1:51 p.m. to, according to logs, Bank of America, which closed its branch here nearly a decade ago but still has a row of ATMs at the Sinclair Gas Station, for a reported identity theft.
• Sept. 28: At 12:10 a.m. police took a report of felony destruction of property or vandalism, as the graffidiots have apparently gotten busy once again.