• Dec. 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 6:38 p.m. at Quintana and La Loma. Logs indicated they cited the driver for suspicion of driving butt-toasted.
• Dec. 27: Police responded at 5 p.m. to the 400 block of Kern where someone reported a case of felony vandalism. No word on what was destroyed, beyond the obvious sense of security.
• Dec. 27: Police responded to a car crash at 2:35 p.m. at the 4-way stop intersection of Shasta and Morro Bay Blvd.
• Dec. 27: Police pulled someone over at 10:15 in the Albertson’s parking lot on Quintana. According to logs the driver was ticketed for the heinous infractions of no proof of insurance or registration, as sometimes it’s all frosting and no cake.
• Dec. 26: At 5:17 p.m. someone turned himself or herself in at the Police Station for a bench warrant, sparing police from calling out SWAT.
• Dec. 26: At 3:26 p.m. police contacted a regular customer at Main and Surf who had a bench warrant. At 10:19 a.m. they had caught up to another repeat customer in the 600 block of Quintana who had a felony warrant. No word on whether either citizen of the year actually went to jail.
•Dec. 25: Some scalawag broke into a car parked in the 900 block of Allesandro. Police determine it was felony and no doubt formed a task force.
• Dec. 25: At 7:36 a.m. police contacted a suspicious parolee with a felony warrant in the 100 block of San Fernando. The reprobationer was taken to the Parkinson Plaza, and then possibly back to prison. At 12:50 p.m. they found another lobstrocity at City Park on Harbor Street who had a misdemeanor warrant. He likely was issued another disappearance ticket and unleashed back onto decent society.
• Dec. 23: Police responded at 8:24 a.m. to Albertson’s Market on Quintana to deal with a reported bothersome trespasser.
• Dec. 22: Police responded at 3:20 p.m. to the 500 block of Blanca after someone discovered the apparent resident had moved up to Heaven.
• Dec. 22: Police responded at 2:51 p.m. to a disturbance at the vacant former Rite Aid store on Quintana. Logs indicated some weapons grade moron on parole was allegedly stoned on dope and making a nuisance of himself. Logs said police violated him and are seeking to revoke his parole, in addition to the drugged and disorderly allegation.
• Dec. 21: Police responded at 12:01 a.m. to the Reed Building on Morro Bay Boulevard at Shasta where they contacted a suspicious subject with a felony warrant. The scofflaw was checked into the Iron Bar Hotel.
• Dec. 20: Police responded at 6 a.m. to the 1100 block of Embarcadero for a suspected embezzlement reported at The Great American Fish Co.
• Dec. 20: Police responded to a disturbance somewhere in town at 3:15 p.m. Logs indicated the disturber was no doubt disturbed to find he or she had a felony and a misdemeanor warrant. Now they’re disturbing the jailers.
• Dec. 20: Police responded to a car crash someplace in town at 9:08 a.m. There were apparently no injuries, but the cars will never be the same.
• Dec. 19: Police contacted a suspicious sinner at 1:12 p.m. on Kennedy Way at St. Timothy’s Catholic Church. The sinner was issued a chance to repent and show up in court next time.
• Dec. 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:49 a.m. and ticketed the driver for no license and no registration and sentenced to life at the DMV.
• Dec. 18: Police contacted a suspicious subject with a bench warrant at 9:11 p.m. at the Sea Harbor Villas Apartments on Morro.
• Dec. 18: Police were called at 8:32 a.m. by someone whose car was broken into and some apparently valuable items snatched. The manhunt is no doubt begun.
• Dec. 17: Police responded at 11:14 p.m. to a local watering hole where someone had gotten a little too deep in his cups.
• Dec. 16: There was another car crash at 9:28 a.m. somewhere over the rainbow.
• Dec. 16: At 9:33 a.m. police rousted yet another urban camper, sleeping where they can’t collect a bed tax. He or she was ticketed and will no doubt be back next month with a bench warrant.
• Dec. 15: Police responded at 11 p.m. to the Hampton Inn on Atascadero Road for a reported fight. Logs indicated one ruffian had a warrant and he or she got checked out of the Inn and into the County B&B for alleged battery.
• Dec. 15: Police were called at 8:29 p.m. after a local citizen traded Paradise for Heaven.
• Dec. 15: Police were called at 4:28 p.m. to a disturbance at the “Chow House,” which we’ve never heard of, but suspect is located next to the Krusty Krab and across from the Chum Bucket. Logs called it a simple case of battery on a person.
• Dec. 15: Police responded at 2:32 p.m. to the Bali Hai Apartments where there was apparently quite the kerfuffle in progress. According to logs, officers arrested someone on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, exhibiting a deadly weapon, first-degree burglary and felony vandalism.
• Dec. 14: Police contacted another urban camper somewhere in town at 12:07 p.m. He or she was cited for illegally sleeping al fresco.
• Dec. 14: It was10:30 and someone didn’t know where their child was and called police to report them missing.
• Dec. 14: Police were called at 8:33 p.m. about some suspicious subject somewhere in town cruisin’ for a bruising.’ Logs indicated the maroon was allegedly stoned on drugs, and carrying his stash around, while on probation, and also carrying a concealed dirk or dagger, in the latest example of why they call it dope.
• Oct. 14: At 3:19 p.m. police responded to a traffic collision at some undisclosed location with unreported injuries, so did it really happen?
• Oct. 13: At 7 p.m. somewhere in town, police responded to a mentally unfit person report. Normally, County Mental Health would be called in, but logs didn’t say.
• Oct. 12: Police responded to a disturbance at 2:24 p.m. on private property at some undisclosed location after some pesky varmint was caught trespassing and refused to take their shoes for a walk, an apparent case of a case of going full speed with half a brain.
• Dec. 12: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 8:33 a.m. in City Park on Harbor Street. The slacker had a bench warrant and was issued a second summons to disappear.
• Dec. 11: At 5:45 p.m. someplace in town, police were called to deal with yet another fool-a-gin trespassing. Logs indicated the evil genius was allegedly found to be holding some illegal drugs, apparently playing ring around the nosey.
• Dec. 11: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 4 p.m. and wrote the driver a ticket for expired registration, a hanging offense in these parts.
• Dec. 11: There was another car crash at 2:32 p.m. but police didn’t say where or how bad it was, so let’s pray for the best.
• Dec. 11: Yet another scamboogah outstayed his unwelcome and police responded at 9:06 a.m. Logs indicated the subject was allegedly trespassing and police allegedly discovered he was holding suspected drugs and paraphernalia, as he was apparently a moonflower and not a morning glory.
• Dec. 10: Police responded at 3:14 p.m. to a report that some scoundrel ripped off an elderly citizen and took their car without permission.
• Dec. 10: Police responded at 11:52 a.m. to a domestic dustup. Logs indicated some louse violated a stay-the-hell-away court order.
• Dec. 10: Police stopped a Coleman Park on the waterfront to check out a suspicious subject. Logs indicated the Schmoe was ticketed for alleged possession of drugs, with an additional charge of being a three-peat drug offender.
• Dec. 8: At 10:57 p.m. police responded to yet another car crash in town.
• Dec. 9: At 3:15 p.m. in City Park police contacted a suspicious clown they ended up arresting for alleged possession of laughing gas, which while laughable, is no laughing matter.
• Dec. 9: Police were called at 9:37 a.m. to roust someone illegally camping where they can’t collect a bed tax — Morro Rock.
• Dec. 8: Police were called to a disturbance at City Park at 7:35 a.m. Some grump apparently got up on the wrong side of the ground and was using “offensive words in public place” — First Amendment be damned!
• Dec. 8: Police responded at 3:30 p.m. to a domestic squabble and wrote the matter up to an ex-spousal battery.
• Dec. 8: At 8 a.m. police and the U.S. Marshalls Service staked out a home in the 300 block Mindoro looking for a man wanted for murder in New Orleans, LA. Though the fugitive wasn’t initially there, they did catch up to him about 12:20, when he returned to the apparent hideout. The 38-year-old suspected murderer was caught without a fight and taken to the County Hoosegow to await a flight back to the Big Easy.
• Dec. 8: Police cruised through Lila Keiser Park at 10:10 a.m. and came upon some apparent Layabout that was then ticketed for allegedly camping where tourists might see him.
• Dec. 8: At 6:53 a.m. police contacted a suspicious subject for some reason someplace in town. The apparent gaggle head was on parole and when searched, they of course allegedly found dope on the mope. Logs indicated they charged him with misdemeanor drug possession and felony parole violation with a recommendation to be sent back to prison, for as Confucius never said, nail that sticks out gets hammered.