• Jan. 18: Police responded to a disturbance at 7:37 p.m. at McDonald’s on Quintana. Logs indicated the fallstaffian offender was soaked in panther sweat and hauled off to the hoosegow to sleep it off.
• Jan. 17: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:05 p.m. at an undisclosed location. The driver was nicked for suspicion of driving tore up from the floor up.
• Jan. 17: There were two apparently minor car crashes. The first was at 12:39 p.m. and the second at 3:18 p.m. but logs didn’t have any more useful information, such as where they occurred or if anyone was hurt, maimed, but let’s hope not.
• Jan. 17: Police responded to a disturbance at 7:28 a.m. at McDonald’s on Quintana Road. Logs indicated someone allegedly committed misdemeanor child abuse with great bodily injury and felony spousal abuse, so let’s hope they arrested the lobstrocity.
• Jan. 16: Police stopped another suspicious vehicle at 10:33 p.m. and cited the driver for misdemeanor driving fizzucked.
• Jan. 16: Police at Morro Bay High started a case for truancy against some no doubt dean’s list student.
• Jan. 15: And yet another suspicious vehicle was stopped by police, this time at 1:46 p.m. and the driver cited for suspicion of driving Blindo.
• Jan. 15: Police responded to Anytime Fitness on Quintana Road where some vandal had struck.
• Jan. 14: There was yet another traffic collision at 2:33 p.m. but logs didn’t say where.
• Jan. 13: Police responded at 4 p.m. after someone reported receiving criminal terrorist threats. Logs didn’t say who, but it’s a sure bet it wasn’t ICE agents.
• Jan. 13: Police cited a car parked on Quintana outside Todd’s Garage for having expired registration, a hanging offense in these here parts.
• Jan. 12: A burglary was reported at Morro Bay High School, surely not what they teach them there.
• Jan. 12: Police responded at 9:43 a.m. for a grand theft and burglary reported by Morris Fisheries.
• Jan. 12: Police contacted somebody at 8:43 a.m. regarding illegal drug possession, drug paraphernalia by someone with more than two prior arrests for the same nincompoopery.
• Jan. 12: Someone called police at 1:39 a.m. to report a strong-arm robbery had apparently just occurred.
• Jan. 10: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:39 p.m. at Main and Beach. Logs indicated the driver was nicked for suspicion of driving with beer goggles.
• Jan. 9: Police responded at 4:21 p.m. to Radcliff and Little Morro Creek Road where some scalawag broke into a parked vehicle and stole undisclosed treasures.
• Jan. 9: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:57 p.m. in the 1400 block of Teresa Dr. Logs indicated the driver was cited for suspicion of drunk driving, a case of going full speed with half a brain.
• Jan. 9: Police responded at 4:11 a.m. to a car crash in the 2100 block of Main. No word on the extent of the carnage.
• Jan. 8: At 11:54 a.m. police cited an offensive vehicle parked in the 1500 block of Main with expired tags, a hanging offense in this burg.
• Jan. 7: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 10:55 p.m. in the 800 block of the Embarcadero. Logs indicated the scofflaw had a bench warrant and was issued another disappearance ticket and released to catch another day.
• Jan. 7: Somebody came down to the police station on Morro Bay Boulevard at 3:03 p.m. to turn over something they’d found of undisclosed nature and unreported value.
• Jan. 6: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 11:52 p.m. in City Park on harbor Street. Logs indicated the fellow was on felony parole and allegedly in possession of illegal drugs and drug paraphernalia. He or she was hauled off to jail with the next stop State Prison.
• Jan. 6: Police responded to a disturbance at 10:28 a.m. in the 800 block of Market. According to logs, they arrested the apparent cause of the problems for suspicion of being drunk, obnoxious and disorderly where the tourist can see.
• Jan. 5: Police espied a vehicle with false registration tags in the boat launch parking lot at Tidelands Park. The offensive craft was cited for attempted fraud, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• Jan. 5: Police were called to the Maritime Museum on Front Street after they discovered some master criminal had broken into their donation boxes and made off with untold amount of booty. The same maggot had also broken into the Harbor Department’s boat storage yard and stolen items off some boats. Afterwards, just a few hours later, police were called to deal with a disruptive weapons grade moron causing a ruckus outside Albertson’s on Quintana. Low and behold, that gaggle head turned out to be the same burglar from earlier in the day at the museum and the boatyard. According to police the regular customer confessed to the mini crime spree, and the caze is sol-ved, as they say.
• Jan. 3: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:37 p.m. at some undisclosed location presumably in town. Logs indicated the disciple of Bacchus driving was tossed into the hoosegow for driving three sheets to the wind.
• Jan. 3: At 1:39 p.m. police logged receiving some apparently secret information from an apparently super secretive source concerning some no doubt super important matter.
• Jan. 2: Police responded at 8:47 p.m. to an undisclosed location where someone said his or her vehicle got nicked. Police no doubt formed a posse to hunt down the varmint.
• Jan. 2: Police responded to a disturbance at 8:24 p.m. somewhere in town. Logs indicated they started a crime report on alleged battery or simple assault, though such things are rarely simple.
• Jan. 2: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5:08 p.m. and arrested the schmoe for suspicion of driving tanked.
• Jan. 2: Police responded at 10:28 a.m. to a report of someone trespassing at Albertson’s Market on Quintana Road. No word on if the pest was apprehended or simply shooed away.
• Jan. 2: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 7:56 a.m. in the North Pitt parking lot by Morro Creek at the beach. Log indicated the apparent urban camper was cited for violation of the anti-sleeping-under-the-stars in public law.
• Jan. 1: Police contacted a suspicious apparent reveler at 8:53 a.m. somewhere in town. Logs indicated the scoundrel was in violation of probation and alleged possession of illegal drugs with two or more prior convictions for the same. He or she was presumably tossed into the dungeon.
Dec. 31: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 7:22 p.m. at an undisclosed location. Logs indicated the driver got the book thrown at him — suspicion of spousal battery, driving on a suspended license, driving on a toot and a bench warrant. Surely, he was taken to jail.
• Dec. 31: At 6:05 p.m. police responded to a car crackup somewhere in town. No injuries were listed in logs.
• Dec. 30: Police responded at 9:35 p.m. to an undisclosed location for a report of suspected child molestation. Logs indicated the matter concerned lewd or lascivious acts with a child under 14-years old.
• Dec. 29: At 11:35 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject someplace in town who turned out to have a felony warrant, and so we presume was booked into the Parkinson Plaza.
• Dec. 29: Police contacted yet another model citizen at 11:35 p.m. who was on probation. Logs indicated he or she also allegedly possessed illegal drugs and has two or more prior arrests for drugs, and drug paraphernalia, so he violated probation and was hauled to the gaol.
• Dec. 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:14 p.m. somewhere in town. Logs indicated the driver hit the daily double — drunk driving and a suspended license. He slept it off in the loving arms of County jailers.
• Dec. 29: Police responded to a disturbance at 4:25 p.m. at the Holland Inn on North Main St. Logs indicated someone had reported a case of battery and illegally touching a person’s intimate areas against his or her will for the purposes of sexual arousal. No word on whether the illuminasty fellow was arrested or if it was a case of touch and go.
• Dec. 29: Someone reported his or her identity was stolen and we now have no idea who they are.
• Dec. 29: Police responded at 9:54 a.m. to the 1000 block of Kennedy Way for a reported trespasser at the Community Center, as they no doubt misunderstood the building’s name.