• Jan. 14: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle in the 1600 block of Main at 9:46 p.m., which in any other town is still early. The driver, 25, was nicked for allegedly driving poo-pooed. He was cited and released to a sober friend, and was spared the Hwy 1 walk of shame.
• Jan. 13: Police responded at 11:49 a.m. to a car crash in the 900 block of Main. No injuries to report.
• Jan. 13: Police responded at 11:49 a.m. to the 300 block of Arbutus where a man said he’d gotten criminal threats from an unknown source, a case of don’t worry, it’s the people you know that you’ve got to beware of.
• Jan. 12: Police responded to the 300 block of Embarcadero for a reported stolen bicycle. Logs indicated the bike was worth $400 roughly equal to one unit of the tourist tax.
• Jan. 11: Police responded at 11 p.m. to the 2700 block of Fir to follow up on a battery that occurred earlier that day.
• Jan. 11: Police contacted an apparently unruly fellow at 2 p.m. in the 500 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the 30-year-old squit was nicked for suspicion of being stoned on drugs where decent folks can see him.
• Jan. 11: Police located a 37-year-old man who was reported missing at 10:30 a.m. in the 900 block of MBB and who was apparently safe.
• Jan. 10: Police responded at 3 p.m. to the 100 block of San Jacinto where they found a deceased person. Earlier, at 8 a.m. they found another deceased person in a boat in the 1500 block of Main. No foul play is suspected in either case.
• Jan. 9: Police responded at 4:20 a.m. to a home in the 2800 block of Ironwood. Logs indicated they took a crime report for residential burglary. No word on what precious possessions were pilfered.
• Jan. 8: Police were called at 9:06 p.m. to a disturbance at the Siren in the 900 block of Main. A 37-year-old reveler was nicked for suspicion of rude, crude and socially unacceptable conduct.
• Jan. 8: Police responded at 5:30 p.m. to a business in the 800 block of Quintana for some sort of kerfuffle involving an apparent persona non grata. Logs indicated a 37-year-old annoying flesh monkey was allegedly trespassing again and given the ol’ heave-ho into a jail cell.
• Jan. 8: Someone turned in a cell phone they found in the 800 block of Quintana for police to unlock the secret.
• Jan. 8: Police responded at noon to a disturbance in the 1500 block of Quintana. Police documented a domestic dispute no doubt for when he does it again, then they’ll really throw the book at ‘em.
• Jan. 8: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle on Hwy 1 at San Jacinto at the suspect time of 12:14 a.m. when law-abiding folks tend to be snoozin’. Logs indicated all they could get the driver on was a suspended license.
• Jan. 7: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 9 p.m. in the 500 block of Quintana. The 43-year-old scofflaw was hauled to the gaol for multiple outstanding warrants.
• Jan. 7: Police responded to a car crash at 1 p.m. at Hwy 1 and Main. Logs indicated an 18-year-old driver was arrested for suspicion of driving stupid on drugs and causing an injury traffic collision, so say sayonara to ‘yer license dude.
• Jan. 6: Police responded to a home in the 400 block of Avalon for a reported grand theft. No word on what booty got pinched.
• Jan. 5: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5:48 a.m. in the 2600 block of Main. Logs indicated the driver, 41, was nicked for suspicion of driving higher than the stacks on illegal drugs, but went along quietly if not entirely willingly to jail.
• Jan. 5: Police responded at 12:24 a.m. to a disturbance in the 700 block of Morro Bay Blvd. Logs indicated a 24-year-old apparent ruffian was arrested for suspicion of domestic violence.
• Jan. 4: Police responded at 8:11 p.m. to a business in the 900 block of Main to take a “property damage report” apparently for insurance purposes, as no crime was indicated.
• Jan. 4: Police responded to the 300 block of Quintana to pick up some drug paraphernalia that someone apparently found so it could be destroyed.
• Jan. 4: Police were called at 1:38 p.m. from some apparent social worker at City Park asking for police assistance with an apparently uncooperative subject. The 38-year-old fellow was ultimately nicked for suspicion of being tanked in public, a case of there’s more to the elephant than the tusks.
• Jan. 3: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8 p.m. in the 1000 block of Kennedy Way. Logs indicated the 46-year-old batter driving hit for the cycle — driving on a suspended; suspicion of driving stoned; possession of drug paraphernalia; and alleged possession of drugs. Police took the all star to French Hospital for a bloodletting and then to the County B&B for a room without a view.
• Jan. 3: At 3:21 p.m. police espied a regular customer in City Park in the 700 block of Harbor. The 39-year-old woman was nicked on three bench warrants and won’t the judge be happy to see her.
• Jan. 2: Police responded at 5:09 p.m. to a disturbance in the 800 block of Marina. Logs indicated they contacted an apparently upset fellow who was ultimately placed under a 72-hour timeout for being a danger to others. No word on what happens after his time is up.
• Jan. 1: At 7:07 p.m. the first scofflaw of the New Year, 27, was pinched in the 400 block of Quintana and housed on four bench warrants.
•Dec. 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:30 p.m. at Main and Quintana. Logs indicated the toasted driver, 27, was nicked for suspicion of being buttered.
• Dec. 29: Police responded at 12:37 p.m. to a motel in the 700 block of Embarcadero. Logs indicated three juvenile hooligans trespassed into a motel room “and damaged two robes,” a hangin’ offense in these parts.
• Dec. 29: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 2:49 a.m. outside the police station. Logs indicated the fellow, 40, hit the trifecta — suspicion of being stoned on drugs, possessing drugs and drug paraphernalia. He went to the hoosegow to sleep it off.
• Dec. 29: Police contacted a suspicious fellow, 32, hanging around Mobile Gas Station in the 900 block of MBB at 1:41 a.m. The scofflaw had a bench warrant and was issued another disappearance ticket and released.
• Dec. 28: At 10:15 p.m. police contacted a suspicious fellow in the area of Quintana and Kennedy Way. The 30-year-old apparent skint had three bench warrants and was allegedly stoned on drugs, too, so he was off to the dungeon.
• Dec. 28: Police arrested yet another nefarious model citizen this time at 8:37 p.m. in the 500 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the 43-year-old schmoe had three bench warrants and drug paraphernalia, his stash apparent already shot.
• Dec. 28: Someone turned in a cell phone he or she found in the street at 625 Harbor, a possible case of time to upgrade anyway.
• Dec. 28: Police responded at 2:52 a.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Piney Way. Logs indicated they contacted a 43-year-old apparently stultified fellow and tossed him into the drunk tank to sleep it off.
• Dec. 27: Police responded at 9:12 p.m. to a disturbance in the 400 block of Quintana. A 38-year-old familiar fellow was nicked for suspicion of being schwasted on drugs.
• Dec. 27: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 3:50 a.m. in the 800 block of Atascadero Rd., reportedly for expired tags. When officers searched the car to take “inventory,” they allegedly found drugs and drug paraphernalia. The woman driver, 58, was also allegedly driving hammered and of course got nailed.
• Dec. 26: Police responded to a disturbance at 9:56 p.m. in the 400 block of Radcliff and arrested a 45-year-old raucous fellow and took the poor slob to County Jail.
• Dec. 26: Police responded to the 300 block of Quintana for a reported vandalism. Logs indicated they arrested a 43-year-old dude for an out-of-county warrant and don’t forget the vandalism that started all this nincompoopery.