• April 14: Police towed away an apparently homeless vehicle found squatting in the 700 block of Quintana.
• April: 14: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:30 p.m. at Main and Preston Lane. Logs indicated the 56-year-old driver apparently had hooch for dinner and was cited for suspicion of DUI and released to a “responsible person.”
• April 13: Police contacted a suspicious hombre, 33, at 6:43 p.m. in the 700 block of Morro Bay Blvd. Logs indicated the scofflaw had a bench warrant and was issued another disappearance ticket to ignore, and then released.
• April 13: Police responded to the Inn at Morro Bay on State Park Road for an apparent Second Amendment violation. Some guest left a firearm in his or her room.
• April 13: Police responded at 1 p.m. to a gift shop in the 600 block of Embarcadero. Some sticky-fingered thief had shoplifted, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• April 12: Police responded at 9:55 a.m. to the 3200 block of Main where someone had passed away.
• April 11: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 10:52 p.m. in the 600 block of Harbor. Logs indicated the 44-year-old stultified squit was arrested on a bench warrant and being schnockered in public.
• April 11: Ofc. Clouseau in the 1800 block of Main recovered a vehicle that was reported stolen, and “Zee caze eez sol-ved!”
• April 10: Police responded at 7:49 p.m. to the 400 block of Trinidad for a reported battery charge.
• April 10: Police contacted a suspicious woman at 10:50 a.m. in the area of South and Morro. Logs indicated the lady, 39, was nicked for suspicion of possessing drug paraphernalia, and drunk & disorderly conduct, which explains a lot.
• April 8: There were a couple of oopsies involving vehicles and boneheads that police responded to. The first was at noon in the infamous Roundabout at Quintana and Morro Bay Blvd. An RTA bus and a vehicle apparently tried to occupy the same space at the same time, with predictable results. The second was at 6:11 p.m. in the 300 block of Quintana and no doubt equally avoidable.
• April 8: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:42 p.m. at Main and Radcliff. Logs indicated the mulish driver, 24, was nicked for suspicion of driving half-cut behind the wheel; on a license suspension for a previous DUI; and while on probation for that DUI no less; and, as one might anticipate, giving police a fake name.
• April 7: Some coward vandalized a poor defenseless building in the 2100 block of Seaview.
• April 7: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the highly suspect time of 12:46 a.m. at Main and Harbor, pretty much in the middle of town and no doubt the last place you want to be seen by police at that hour. The driver was nicked for suspicion of driving on a toot and tooted his horn in the County lockup.
• April 6: Police responded at 9:55 p.m. to a domestic disturbance in the 300 block of Oahu. Logs indicated a 67-year-old allegedly slapped her husband across the face in a case of what’s deemed — simple assault & battery, though some might beg to differ on that point.
• April 6: Police arrested a 71-year-old local yokel at a home in the 400 block of Bonita in connection with a reported stabbing of the man’s lady friend sometime earlier on Reno Court. The man was charged with suspicion of attempted murder, making terrorist threats, intimidation of a witness, and other charges.
• April 5: At 5:06 p.m. police came upon a regular customer in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd. Logs indicated they arrested the 37-year-old reprobationer for violating probation.
• April 5: Police responded at 7:50 a.m. to St. Timothy’s Catholic Church on Piney Way where some scruffy Philistine reportedly entered the church without permission, also called trespassing. But confidence is high that the sinner will be forgiven.
• April 5: Police responded to a business in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd, where someone apparently got a bum check or credit card.
• April 4: Someone found some undisclosed something somewhere in the 1000 block of Monterey. In an unrelated matter, someone found a deceased citizen at or near the intersection of Main and Atascadero Road.
• April 4: Police responded to a disturbance at 8:26 a.m. in the 2600 block of Main. Logs indicated the apparently soused fellow, 59, was dunked into the clink for suspicion of being wet where the tourist can see him.
• April 3: Police towed away an offensive car from the 3000 block of Main because the DMV Snallygaster had not been fed in over six months.
• April 2: At 11:10 p.m. police contacted a suspicious fellow in City Park in the 700 block of Harbor, whom they apparently knew well. Logs indicated he had seven bench warrants and yet was cited and released to apparently catch again when the magic number reaches eight.
• April 2: A disturbance report brought police a runnin’ to the 1700 block of Main at 2 p.m. where they encountered someone apparently having a bad day. He or she was detained until County Mental Health could take over.
• April 2: Police responded to two minor car crashes, the first at 1:50 p.m. at Hwy 1 and Main. A second fender-bender occurred at an hour later in the 800 block of Napa.
• April 2: Police contacted a suspicious woman, 41, at City Park in the 700 block of Harbor. Logs indicated the belle of the ball was allegedly stoned on drugs, and possessed drugs and drug paraphernalia, as “Just say No” apparently fell on deaf ears.
• April 2: Police contacted a fellow at Hwy 1 and Atascadero Road and issued a stern warning regarding the City’s new sleeping-where-we-can’t-collect-a-bed-tax camping ordinance.
• April 1: At 8 p.m. police responded to a disturbance in the 1300 block of Bolton. Logs indicated a 31-year-old hothead was arrested for suspicion of spousal battery.
• April 1: Someone turned in an abandoned bike they found in the 500 block of Main. Meanwhile a few hours later, someone found a deceased citizen in the 100 block of Panay.
• April 1: Police responded at 8 a.m. to a disturbance in the 200 block of Anchor. Logs said a 40-year-old ruffian louse was nicked for suspicion of spousal battery, assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated assault and making terrorist threats. He was checked into the SLO Gitmo.