• Sept. 17: Police responded at 7:50 p.m. to a disturbance in the 200 block of Harbor. Logs indicated a woman allegedly, “punched her husband multiple times with a closed fist on the left side of his face causing visible swelling and bruising.” She also allegedly “pushed her husband into a glass mirror causing injuries to his back.” She was arrested for suspicion of spousal battery, aggravated assault and inflicting corporal punishment on a spouse. The 39-year-old battleaxe was tossed into the dungeon.
• Sept. 17: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:30 p.m. in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. They could only get the driver on a suspended license but sentenced him to life without parole at the DMV.
• Sept. 17: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:10 p.m. at Atascadero Road and Main. Logs indicated the driver, 27, had a suspended license that was suspended because of a DUI, no doubt upsetting the time-space continuum.
• Sept. 16: Police responded at 7:05 p.m. to the 400 block of Morro Bay Blvd. for an apparent person acting crazy. Logs indicated police arrested a 49-year-old apparent berserker for allegedly assaulting a man, then threatening to kill him and his mother, and then vandalizing his poor innocent car. Police arrested the disagreeable vermin for two counts of suspicion of aggravated assault, two counts for making terrorist threats, and felony vandalism.
• Sept. 16: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 10:12 a.m. in the 400 block of Downing. Logs indicated the hombre, 27, was allegedly higher than the stacks on drugs and in possession of a crack pipe. He crashed in the county quiet room.
• Sept. 16: Police responded to Motel 6 on Atascadero Road at 3:52 a.m. for a disturbance. Police arrested a 36-year-old louse for allegedly assaulting his spouse. He checked out of Motel 6 and into the Parkinson Plaza.
• Sept. 15: At 6:30 p.m. police espied an apparent stumblebum stumbling down the 400 block of Estero. The Bacchanalian, 27, was arrested for suspicion of drunk walking.
• Sept. 15: Police spotted yet another swizzle stick traipsing down the 300 block of Atascadero Rd. at 8:41 p.m. The 47-year-old nodcock was allegedly greased and got dunked in the drunk tank to sleep it off.
• Sept. 13: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5:44 p.m. in the 100 block of Panay. Logs indicated the driver, 82, was nicked for suspicion of driving schnuckered and resisting arrest.
• Sept. 13: At 4:17 p.m. police contacted another blasted fellow at Main and Dunes. The squit, 55, was nicked for suspicion of being stinky in public and a felony warrant.
• Sept. 13: Police towed off an apparently abandoned vehicle at Quintana and Kings.
• Sept. 13: Police contacted a suspicious woman, 49, at 11:30 a.m. in the 600 block of Quintana. She had a warrant, was issued a second disappearance ticket and released to catch another day.
• Sept. 12: Police contacted a suspicious woman, 22, at 11 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. The regular Quaker had three bench warrants and was booked into County Jail.
• Sept. 12: Police responded to the 800 block of Marina where a woman said she believed her ex-boyfriend was stalking her. Logs indicated police decided it was “a mental health episode,” and apparently all in her imagination.
• Sept. 12: At 1:19 p.m. in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd., police contacted a pair of juvenile boys who were allegedly in possession of hooch. The hooligans apparently tried to run off, as they were also popped for resisting arrest.
• Sept. 12: Police contacted another suspicious fellow, 27, at 9:49 a.m. in the 1700 block of Main. He was nicked for suspicion of being honked in public.
• Sept. 12: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the highly suspect time of 1:43 a.m. in the 800 block of Morro Bay Blvd. Logs indicated the driver, 29, was arrested for suspicion of driving with beer goggles on and was taken to the police station where he was released to a sober adult relative or friend.
• Sept. 12: Police stopped another suspicious vehicle at 12:08 a.m. The driver, a 23-year-old floozy, was arrested for suspicion of driving boozy.
• Sept. 11: Police responded at 2:10 p.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Marina. Logs indicated they took the apparent troublemaker to County Mental Health for a 72-hour timeout.
• Sept. 10: Police encountered an endangered specimen at 3 p.m. at Harbor and Piney Way. Logs indicated the 31-year-old apparent ruffian was arrested for suspicion of resisting arrest and a felony warrant.
• Sept. 9: Someone somewhere in the 300 block of Bernardo reported some suspicious activity of some unknown type and duration, so that someday something might somehow be done about it.
• Sept. 9: At 5 p.m. police contacted a suspicious subject sneaking around the 1000 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the 26-year-old sneaky sneak allegedly snuck in a false name to police, who, sneaks that they are, soon figured out why — he had a felony warrant, and he was secreted off to the gaol.
• Sept. 9: Police responded to a report of a fight at 2:09 p.m. in the 900 block of Allesandro. Logs indicated police arrested a pair of wombats, ages 38 and 50, for suspicion of disturbing the peace of the peaceable folks.
• Sept. 9: Police were called at 1 p.m. for a suspicious flower child apparently passed out in a flower box at Monterey and Morro Bay Blvd. Logs indicated the 66-year old blossom was picked and planted in the County B&B. About an hour later, at City Park on Harbor, officers got a report of yet another inebriated miscreant no doubt causing havoc. That 40-year-old fellow was nicked for suspicion of being drunk and disorderly, ‘cause the nail that sticks out gets hammered.
• Sept. 9: A citizen came to the police station and reported a case of credit card fraud, and police no doubt formed a task force to hunt down the scalawags.
• Sept. 9: A citizen came to the station and reported unspecified sex crimes that occurred in 1983 and 1996.
• Sept. 8: Police were called to the 800 block of Piney Way at 3:41 p.m. to deal with a local yokel who was apparently actin’ a fooligan at Foster Freeze. The 52-year-old fellow was arrested for suspicion of possessing illegal drugs and paraphernalia, a case of pick somewhere else to party dude. Ironically, or perhaps not surprisingly, this same barbarian was involved in a fight the night before at 8:37 p.m. in the 500 block of Quintana. Logs indicated he allegedly punched some guy in the face then fled the scene. Police tracked him down and he was arrested, but apparently didn’t stay in jail or stay sober for long.
• Sept. 7: Police responded to the 400 block of Surf where some graffidiot left his loathsome mark.
• Sept. 7: Police responded to the 400 block of Monterey at 3 a.m. where they contacted a 57-year-old repeat customer. The apparent night owl, 57, had a bench warrant. He was cited and given a new court date, according to logs, and that’ll no doubt teach him a lesson.
• Sept. 7: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the suspect time of 1:10 a.m. at the absolute worst place to be at that hour — Main and Beach. The 25-year-old woman driver was allegedly driving corked and got popped.
• Sept. 6: Police responded at 3:48 p.m. to a car crash on Hwy 1 at Yerba Buena. No gory details were given, as it was apparently non-injury.
• Sept. 6: At 10:54 a.m. in the 600 block of Quintana, police contacted a familiar 59-year-old woman who to no one’s surprise had a bench warrant. The model citizen was arrested for a change.
• Sept. 6: Police got a report from the Grover Beach P.D. regarding an apparent sexual assault where the victim was groped and fondled against their will out at Morro Rock. The victim apparently reported the matter to GBPD and MBPD officers investigated, but no arrests were made.
• Sept. 5: Police responded at 2:30 p.m. to the 400 block of Las Vegas after someone reported an aggravated assault. Logs indicated that a firearm was “accidently discharged within a residence” and they apparently missed as no arrest was made.