• Oct. 23: Police responded at 10:11 p.m. in the 1100 block of Monterey for a reported assault. Logs indicated a juvenile ruffian was arrested for suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon.
• Oct. 23: Police responded to an assault report at 8:45 p.m. at Albertson’s Market. Police caught up to a suspect, 38, in the 600 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the fiend had a felony warrant and then allegedly went all woolly-booger and assaulted an officer before he was wrestled into the iron bar hotel.
• Oct. 23: Police responded to Albertson’s Market on Quintana at 2:20 p.m. to deal with an apparently bothersome woman. Naturally the lady, 45, had outstanding warrants and was issued another slip of Charmin and released.
• Oct. 22: Police flew over to the kite shop on Front Street and took a report of grand theft.
• Oct. 22: Police responded at 9:17 a.m. to the 400 block of Fresno where a citizen had passed away.
• Oct. 22: Police contacted a familiar fellow at 8:45 a.m. in the creek bed estates in the 300 block of Quintana. The apparent nillionaire, 31, had multiple bench warrants and got arrested.
• Oct. 22: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 12:43 a.m. lurking around at Main and Morro Bay Boulevard. The apparent night owl, 30, had two bench warrants and spent the night on a cement slab.
• Oct. 21: Police responded at 9:30 p.m. for a grand theft reported in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. No word on what was taken but it has to be worth $1,000, or it could be a farm animal or agricultural product, both of which could be felonies to steal.
• Oct. 21: The scofflaw roundup continued at 8:30 p.m. in the 600 block of Quintana where police arrested a 52-year-old schmoe who had a pair of warrants.
• Oct, 21: Police responded at 4:23 p.m. to Piney Way and MBB for a no doubt hairy car crackup. Sorry, no injuries to report.
• Oct. 20: Police responded at 3:35 p.m. to the 200 block of Atascadero Rd., for a case of some rapscallion making criminal threats and brandishing a weapon. A crime report was sent to the district attorney.
• Oct. 20: Police responded at 3 p.m. to the area of Ironwood and Elena for some apparent glowworm running amok. Logs indicated the fellow, 48, was nicked for suspicion of being high on drugs.
• Oct. 19: At 10:45 p.m. police responded to Albertson’s Market for a reported theft. Logs indicated a sticky-fingered customer, 46, was arrested for suspicion of burglary. Logs indicated when police searched her, they allegedly found drugs and paraphernalia, so guess we know where her money goes.
• Oct. 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5:15 p.m. at Main and MBB. Logs indicated the 50-year-old driver had a suspended license. He was cited and released to spend eternity in DMV Purgatory.
• Oct. 18: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 9:18 p.m. at Monterey and MBB. The sneak, 29, had three bench warrants but was given a fourth citation to ignore, and released.
• Oct. 18: Police contacted a familiar female at 8:25 p.m. in the 1600 block of Main. Logs indicated the woman, 37, had two warrants but when they tried to issue a fourth and release her, she reportedly refused to sign it, and then tried to fugitate on foot, but got caught and was taken to jail.
• Oct. 18: Police responded at 4 p.m. to the 500 block of Atascadero Rd., to deal with a guy making a fuss. Logs indicated the apparently mulish pest, 30, got arrested for suspicion of possessing drugs and paraphernalia in violation of his parole.
• Oct. 19: Police received a report of suspected child abuse in the 600 block of Monterey and plan to look into it.
• Oct. 17: Police pulled over a suspicious vehicle at 10:07 p.m. at Beach and Market. Logs indicated the driver, 51, was nicked for allegedly driving stoned, and possessing over an ounce of weed.
• Oct. 17: At 2:14 p.m. logs indicated police arrested a 35-year-old boneheaded parolee on an undisclosed weapons charge.
• Oct. 17: Police took a report of possible suspected child abuse in the 500 block of Bonita.
• Oct. 17: A woman citizen out at the Rock called police to say she believes items were stolen out of her vehicle while it was in the shop for servicing.
• Oct. 16: Someone found something somewhere in town and handed it over to some officer at the stationhouse, who will do something with it in hopes somebody claims it someday.
• Oct. 16: Police responded at 8 p.m. to the 500 block of Atascadero Road for a smash-n-dash crash. No juicy details were available.
• Oct. 16: Police responded at 12:14 p.m. to the 1200 block of Main. Logs indicated some humanicus dooficus damaged the front entrance to a home and swiped the Ring doorbell camera right off of the wall.
• Oct. 16: Police responded at 10 a.m. to a reported assault in the 1000 block of Quintana. Logs indicated some apparent monster allegedly “chocked victim, covered victim’s mouth and nose, prevented victim from calling 9-1-1 and prevented victim from being able to leave the residence. Visible injuries sustained,” according to the logs. The suspect, 26, was arrested and thrown into the dungeon.
• Oct. 16: Police responded at 9:25 a.m. to the 400 block of Napa for a domestic dustup. Logs indicated some mulish fool violated a domestic violence, stay-the-hell-away court order.
• Oct. 15: Police responded at 8 p.m.to the 1000 block of Main for a reported disturbance. Logs indicated some dingus, 47, was nicked for allegedly brandishing a firearm.
• Oct. 15: Police were called at 7:38 p.m. for a disturbing fellow at Albertson’s Market on Quintana Road. The scofflaw, 36 had four bench warrants and while being arrested they allegedly found a suspected crack pipe in his drawers and added that to his list of woes.
• Oct. 15: Police responded to the 1300 block of Bolton at 3:15 p.m. and are now investigating a suspected case of filing a false police report. No word on what the lipspittles’ hoo-ha-ha was all about.
• Oct. 15: Police responded at 6:34 a.m. to a reported assault in the 500 block of Monterey. Logs indicated a 26-year-old model citizen was hauled to the gaol for suspicion of spousal battery.
• Oct 15: Police caught up to a familiar nefarious fellow at 1:37 a.m. near the creek bed estates in the 400 block of Quintana. The 53-year-old rookie scofflaw had but one bench warrant, so was issued a second disappearance ticket and released.
• Oct. 14: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 11:40 p.m. in the 200 block of Surf who was allegedly trespassing. The 35-year-old reprobationer will be turned over to the Probation Department where they know how to deal with such varmints.
• Oct. 8: Police stopped a speeding car at 8:34 p.m. in the area of Beach and Main. Logs indicated a juvenile lead foot was cited for speeding, which ought to make mom and dad real happy.
• Oct. 14: Police responded at 9:19 a.m. to a traffic crack-up at Radcliff and Main. Logs indicated a skateboard rider was injured, no doubt having zigged when he should have zagged.
• Oct. 14: Police responded to the area of South Bay Boulevard and Quintana Road for a reported hit-n-split.
• Oct. 14: At 10:51 a.m. police noted that a woman came to the police department to report her 26-year-old son was missing at approximately 11:30 a.m., in this week’s example of warping the time-space continuum.
• Oct. 14: At 12:45 p.m. a 25-year-old man tried to turn himself in at the police station for an out-of-county bench warrant, but was cited and released, apparently not worth the gas to haul to jail.
• Oct. 14: Police contacted another familiar dodger, 36, who had two bench warrants. While being arrested, during a patdown, police allegedly discovered a suspected crack pipe in his possession, his stash no doubt already up in smoke.
• Oct. 13: Police responded at 7:36 p.m. to deal with some bothersome fellow at Albertson’s on Quintana. The annoying flesh monkey had six bench warrants and checked into the County health & beauty spa for a little pampering.
• Oct. 13: Police responded at 7:10 p.m. to Albertson’s where they’d eyed some sticky-fingered loon trying to use the help yourself aisle. Logs indicated they recovered the stolen merchandise, which is great, except they now have to throw away whatever it was.
• Oct. 13: Police responded at 3:44 p.m. to a brush fire on Hwy 1 at the Main Street on/off ramps. Logs indicated a transient firebug apparently started a brush fire and was burned.
• Oct. 13: Police responded to the 1800 block of Ironwood to take a car burglary report. No word on what booty got pinched.
• Oct. 13: Someone turned in miscellaneous live and spent ammunition for destruction, though spent ammo doesn’t really need disposal.
• Oct. 12: At 6:50 p.m. police responded urgently to Urgent Care in the 700 block of Quintana to deal with some bothersome squit. The dude, 38, had warrants and was hauled to the nick.
• Oct. 12: Police responded at 9 a.m. to the 400 block of Monterey for a disturbance. Logs indicated some 43-year-old Mamaluke violated a domestic violence stay-away order.
• Oct. 11: Police responded at 5:24 p.m. to Main and Atascadero Road for yet another fender-bender. No injuries to report.
• Oct. 11: At 3:21 p.m. police responded to an old folks home on Teresa Drive for a report of someone making criminal threats, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• Oct. 11: At 8 a.m. in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd., police assisted the County Probation Department in arresting some plod for a probation violation.
• Oct. 10: Police responded at 8:25 p.m. to the 600 block of Ponderosa where an 80-year-ol’ Hoss had gone missing. He was later located in town apparently safe if not entirely sound.
• Oct. 10: At 12:50 p.m. the high school cop reported an assault involving two high school apparent bullies. A report was sent to the district attorney, so they’re in real trouble now.
• Oct. 10: Police responded at 9:40 a.m. to the 2600 block of Main after a theft suspect used stolen credit cards to buy gift cards at Spencer’s Market, also called redneck money laundering.
• Oct. 10: At 10:39 a.m. police responded to an uncivil dispute in the 2700 block of Indigo Cr.