• Dec. 5: Police responded at 1:42 p.m. to a restaurant in the 1100 block of Embarcadero, where some scurvy dogs dined-n-dashed out on the check.
• Dec. 5: Police contacted a suspicious woman at 12:35 p.m. down by the launch ramp. Logs indicated the 29-year-old scofflaw had a bench warrant and was cited and released with her cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die promise to appear.
• Dec. 5: Police responded at noon to a reported assault down by the launch ramp. Logs indicated they cite-released a 67-year-old apparently angry bird for suspicion of battery and making criminal threats, at the request of the person on the receiving end of his venomous vitriol.
• Dec. 4: Someone in the 3000 block of Beachcomber found suspected drug paraphernalia and asked police to destroy it.
• Dec. 3: A citizen in the 1900 block of Sunset reported a burglary and deletion of a $600 laptop computer.
• Dec. 3: A 24-year-old apparently repentant fellow with a warrant turned himself in at the police station. He was of course cited and released, and no doubt absolved of the prior sin.
• Dec. 3: Police contacted a familiar dude, 45, at 8:41 a.m. in the 800 block of Olive. He had a warrant, so they issued him another disappearance ticket and he slithered away.
• Dec. 2: A citizen in the 400 block of Anchor said someone rode off with his bike.
• Dec. 2: At 2:45 p.m. police contacted a regular customer in the 1100 block of Embarcadero who had a warrant. He was cited and released, because here we throw back the little ones. At 2:15 in the 2400 block of Main they caught up to another criminal mastermind with a warrant. That apparent snot waffle, 27, was also cited and released.
• Dec. 2: Police at the high school took a juvenile for a timeout at County Mental Health.
• Dec. 2: A 34-year-old woman with five bench warrants appeared at the police station to apparently face the music. She was cited and released with number six.
• Dec. 2: A citizen came to the police station to report a case of stolen identity and the fraudulent purchase of no doubt worthless crap potentially staining his or her good name.
• Dec. 1: Police responded at 9:41 p.m. to Bottle Liquor in the 900 block of Main where a man told them some guy pulled a knife on him. No injuries were reported and Jack the Nipper apparently got away.
• Dec. 1: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 7:55 p.m. in the 1600 block of Main. The wanted man, 42, had an “extraditable warrant” out of Santa Clara County and actually got took to the hoosegow.
• Dec. 1: A woman in the 1700 block of Embarcadero said someone stole her purse out of her unlocked car, a case of extracting the local tourist tax.
• Dec. 1: A citizen in the 100 block of Grand Ave., in Grover Beach said his rear license plate was stolen off his vehicle while in Morro Bay.
• Dec. 1: Police responded at 12:43 p.m. to a car crash at Tide and Oahu. Logs indicated a 28-year-old man was arrested for suspicion of driving a vehicle with stolen plates on it, felony hit-n-split, and resisting arrest. The model citizen also had three bench warrants.
• Nov. 30: Police responded at 10:52 a.m. to the 500 block of Main where a woman said someone got into her unlocked car and stole an envelop filled with cash and her front tooth, which totally bites.
• Nov. 29: Police took a report of suspected child abuse in the 900 block of Pacific Street.
• Nov. 30: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:08 a.m. in the 900 block of Embarcadero. The driver, 49, was arrested for violating a criminal protective order, knowingly driving on a suspended license and while intoxicated no less, plus a bench warrant. The naughty boy was nicked for the night.
• Nov. 29: A car was broken into in the 300 block of Sequoia. No word on the pinched booty. In the 100 block of Terra, someone forced himself on a parked car.
• Nov. 29: Police responded at 11 a.m. to a reported burglary in a vacant building in the 1200 block of Main.
• Nov. 27: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5:19 p.m. at Main and Atascadero Road. Logs indicated the driver, a 40-year-old fellow, was cited with the fab four — suspended license, expired registration, no insurance and a bench warrant.
• Nov. 27: Police responded to Rite Aid at 11:18 a.m. where some homicidal maniac slashed to death a car’s tires.
• Nov. 26: Police contacted some bent swizzle stick in the 1000 block of Main at 9:49 p.m. Logs indicated the toddy stricken gent was nicked for suspicion of disorderly conduct and being schnockered in public.
• Nov. 26: Police responded at 11:31 a.m. to a disturbance in the 2600 block of Ironwood. Logs indicated two subjects were arrested for alleged involvement in a “domestic physical argument,” which is apparently more than a spat but less than a brawl.
• Nov. 26: Police responded to the 1100 block of Las Tunas for a report of a stolen baby stroller, proving once again that people will steal anything.
• Nov. 25: Police responded at 11 p.m. to a disturbance in the 400 block of Kodiak. Logs indicated a 19-year-old rookie was tossed into the gaol for suspicion of flexing beer muscles in public.
• Nov. 25: Police responded at 2:30 p.m. to the 300 block of Embarcadero at the launch ramp. They arrested some 24-year-old Popeye for piloting a boat poop-eyed.
• Nov. 24: Someone turned in a driver’s license and a cell phone they found somewhere in town. On the 23rd, someone turned in a set of keys they’d found, leaving police to unlock the mystery.
• Nov. 24: Police responded to the 3000 block of Main at 6:45 p.m. where they arrested a 60-year-old apparent hothead for suspicion of arson.
• Nov. 24: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 4:15 p.m. at Spencer’s Market in the 2600 block of Main. Logs indicated they cite-released a 78-year-old geezer for suspicion of driving deep in his cups.
• Nov. 23: Police towed off a trailer from the 1100 block of Front St., for violation of the City’s 72-hour move-it or lose-it law.
• Nov. 23: Vandals struck in the 500 block of Atascadero Rd., and frankly, nobody really cares.
• Nov. 23: Police took a report for vandalism and thievery in the 400 block of Quintana. Police have no leads on the master criminal.
• Nov. 22: Police responded to KOA where someone checked into the great campground in the sky.
• Nov. 22: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at midnight creeping around Main and Surf streets. The 30-year-old apparent night owl had a bench warrant out of Ventura County. He was cited and released with a future SLO County bench warrant.
• Nov. 22: Police contacted a 47-year-old fellow at 12:38 p.m. in the 800 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the apparent zhlub is a suspect in a vandalism and trespassing case and police are going to rat him out to the D.A.