• Jan. 14: Police responded to a disturbance at 11:20 a.m. in the 2000 block of Ironwood. Logs indicated some fruit loop dingus violated a stay-the-hell-away court order.
• Jan. 14: Police were called to a disturbance at 11:15 a.m. in the 2700 block of Alder. Logs indicated an upset citizen was taken in for a 72-hour timeout.
• Jan. 14: At 11 a.m. police responded to the 200 block of Atascadero Rd., for a report of some apparent scaramouche brandishing a weapon.
• Jan. 14: A citizen came down to the police station and said his or her identity had been stolen, against which about the only defense is a crappy credit score.
• Jan. 13: Police spotted a suspicious fellow at 5:05 p.m. in the area of Beach and Main. Logs indicated the 33-year-old roasted rascal was nicked for suspicion of flapping-out where the tourists can see him.
• Jan. 13: Police responded at 8:38 a.m. to a business in the 900 block of Main where a beloved employee had died of an apparent heart attack.
• Jan. 12: Police spotted a suspicious fellow at 10:30 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana, the new heart of the danger zone. The 66-year-old apparent squit was arrested for suspicion of being rat-arsed in public.
• Jan. 12: Police responded at 10 p.m. to the 2400 block of Ironwood for an apparent domestic disturbance. Logs indicated one party had violated a domestic violence restraining order he or she had taken out against a second party, which tends to K.O. the R.O.
• Jan. 12: At 9:38 p.m. police responded to a disturbance at Tidelands Park. Logs indicated another domestic violence stay-away order had been violated.
• Jan. 12: Police responded at 5:31 p.m. to the 1100 block of Napa for a report of illegal campers. Logs indicated they gave a 72-hour notice to get lost or else to a man and a woman they found apparently setting up camp at the old elementary school.
• Jan. 12: Police responded at 3:41 p.m. to Main and Pacific where two cars went badda-boom badda-bing.
• Jan. 12: At 1:25 p.m. police got a report of suspected child abuse from the 500 block of Sequoia.
• Jan. 11: Police responded at 5 p.m. to the 800 block of Embarcadero for a boisterous fellow causing a ruckus. Logs indicated the 37-year-old rabble rouser was arrested for suspicion of being stoned on drugs, indecent exposure and a probation violation, as it was apparently not the illuminasty’s first rodeo.
• Jan. 11: At 3:15 p.m. police towed off a bothersome vehicle parked too long at Front and Harbor with an expired registration to boot.
• Jan. 11: Police contacted a regular customer at 2:18 a.m. in the 400 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the 33-year-old fellow was booked into the Parkinson Plaza for suspicion of possessing illegal drugs and three bench warrants.
• Jan. 10: Police responded to a disturbance at 7:53 a.m. in the 300 block of Rennell. Logs indicated a 60-year-old Idjit was arrested for suspicion of domestic battery of a spouse or co-habitant and the disagreeable cur was jailed.
• Jan. 10: Police responded at 7:39 a.m. to a store in the 900 block of Morro Bay Blvd., and began an investigation into whether the store sold alcohol to an intoxicated person.
• Jan. 8: Police contacted a suspicious fellow traipsing along the 900 block of MBB at 11:37 p.m. Logs indicated the 66-year-old boozer was allegedly drunk and got arrested.
• Jan. 9: At 2:42 p.m. a citizen came to the police station and said someone stole his identity and used it to set up a Direct TV account through AT&T.
• Jan. 9: Police responded at 11:10 a.m. to the 300 block of LaJolla where a local citizen had died of apparent natural causes.
• Jan. 8: Police spotted a regular customer at 10:50 p.m. in the O’Reilly’s Auto Parts Store parking lot on Quintana Rd. Logs indicated the apparent swagman, 39, was cited and released on four bench warrants, plus a fresh charge of alleged possession of drug paraphernalia.
• Jan. 8: Police contacted a man and woman at 4:12 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. The 35-year-old man had a pair of bench warrants and police hauled him to the gaol. The woman, 45, was cited and released for suspicion of trespassing, as the crackdown on the Creekbed Estates kicked in.
• Jan. 8: At 3:15 p.m. police spotted another squatter camping on private property in the 500 block of Quintana. Officers issued a 72-hour move-it notice because he was within 200 feet of a school and a community building, not to mention right across the street from the County Social Services Office.
• Jan. 7: Police responded to the 1100 block of Monterey at 7:30 p.m. where some larcenous, apparent ruffian burglar was accused of spousal battery, and stealing enough stuff to call “grand theft,” but logs didn’t say what or whose booty the scoundrel pinched.
• Jan. 7: Police responded at 4:30 p.m. to a traffic crash in the 400 block of Morro Bay Blvd. Sorry, no heinous injuries to report.
• Jan. 7: Some maniacal Jack-wagon slashed the tires on an innocent vehicle in the 800 block of Pacific.
• Jan. 6: Police received a report of multiple subjects fighting at 10:30 p.m. in the 400 block of Monterey. Logs indicated when officers arrived to referee the bout, they ended up arresting a 34-year-old knuckle-dragger for suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon and child abuse. A 31-year-old bent woman was nicked as well for suspicion of child abuse and drunk & disorderly conduct.
• Jan. 6: Police received a report at 9:34 p.m. from a guy in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. who said he’d gotten a death threat.
• Jan. 6: At 8:18 p.m. police were called to the 400 block of Morro Bay Blvd., where a business owner said “an individual” had run into their business after he or she was reportedly “assaulted by their significant other.”
• Jan. 6: Police towed off two offending vehicles in the 700 block of Butte and on Hwy 1 at South Bay Boulevard for the capital offense of expired registration.
• Jan. 5: Police responded to a disturbance at 10:08 p.m. at Harbor and Monterey. The apparent Snallygaster, 48, was arrested for suspicion of being trashed in public.
• Jan. 5: At 4 p.m. police towed away a camper trailer parked on Quintana at Kings for parking too long in one place, or vehicular vagrancy.
• Jan. 5: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 12:24 p.m. in the 500 block of Quintana. The 30-year-old scofflaw had a felony warrant and was hauled off to the hoosegow.
• Jan. 4: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8:08 p.m. in the 800 block of Murray. Logs indicated the 25-year-old driver was shackled and charged with three felony counts of alleged resisting arrest, felony vandalism, and drunk driving, which explains a lot.
• Jan. 4: Police responded at 6:33 p.m. to the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. and arrested some apparent arch criminal mastermind on a slew of charges. The 56-year-old apparent she-devil was charged with suspicion of felony vandalism, receiving stolen property, and grand theft.
• Jan. 4: At 2 p.m. in the 800 block of MBB police contacted a regular but delinquent customer who had five bench warrants for which he owes a debt.
• Jan. 4: A citizen in the 2600 block of Santa Maria Way turned in a shotgun for police to destroy, no doubt the only form of gun control proven to work.
• Jan. 3: Police espied some swizzle stick traipsing down the 300 block of the Boulevard at 8:49 p.m. Logs indicated the 42-year-old annoying flesh monkey was nicked for suspicion of being on the razzle.
• Jan. 3: Police responded at 3:45 p.m. to Miner’s Ace Hardware after some sticky-fingered thief stole batteries.
• Jan. 2: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 8:30 p.m. in the 300 block of Atascadero Rd. Logs indicated the 41-year-old scrap had a bench warrant, was re-ticketed and allowed to roam again. Another bail jumper, 65, was stopped in the 800 block of the Boulevard at 10:52 a.m. He too was mercifully cited and released to catch another day.
• Jan. 2: At 7:55 a.m. in the Creekbed Estates in 700 block of Quintana, police picked up a suspicious fellow, 42, who was booked into the dungeon for violating a court order.
• Jan. 2: Police responded at 2:30 p.m. to a car crash at San Joaquin and Alder. No injuries reported.
• Jan. 1: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the highly suspect time of 3:30 a.m. at Hwy 1 and San Jacinto. Logs indicated an 18-year-old reveler was jailed for suspicion of driving deep in his cups.