• Feb. 2: Two found cell phones were turned in at the police station. No word on where they were found or who’s now needing a pay phone.
• Feb. 2: Police responded at 10:44 a.m. to Coast Electronics in the 500 block of Quintana where some apparently evil nerd shoplifted.
• Feb. 1: Police responded to Avalon and Greenwood for a grand theft, and will no doubt have a jolly good time investigating.
• Feb. 1: Police spied a familiar woman, 42, at 7:30 a.m. in the 900 block of Piney Way. She had three bench warrants, but was only cited and released, apparently not worth the gas to drive to jail.
• Jan. 31: Police stopped a suspciious vehicle at 9:34 p.m. at Radcliff and Main. Logs indicated the 42-year-old woman driver was nicked for suspicion of possessing illegal drugs, and driving on a toot and booked into County Jail to sleep it off.
• Jan. 31: Police responded to another minor car crash at 11:47 a.m. at Main and Radcliff.
• Jan. 30: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 2:30 p.m. in the 500 block of Kings. The 45-year-old apparent tool was nicked for a bench warrant.
• Jan. 30: Police contacted another familiar foe at 3:20 p.m. in the 200 block of Surf, who had two non-citable bench warrants. She was hauled off to meet her fate.
• Jan. 28: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 9:49 p.m. in the 1300 block of Main. The 41-year-old dingus was on probation and so got searched and of course police allegedly found suspected narcotics on him, leading to a free one-way trip to the gaol.
• Jan. 28: Someone turned in a laptop they reportedly found. No word on how it got deleted in the first place.
• Jan. 28: Police responded to the 200 block of Atascadero Rd., for a reported vandalism. Logs indicated a 61-year-old fellow was caught on video vandalizing an innocent mailbox — busting off the mailbox’ door and stealing it; proving once again that some boneheads will steal anything.
• Jan. 26: Police responded to the corner of Marina and Monterey where someone left a bunch of apparent junk — carts, a bike and miscellaneous stuff — on the ground blocking the sidewalk, a death penalty case in some places.
• Jan. 25: Police responded at 10:38 p.m. to South Bay Blvd., and Quintana for a traffic crash. Earlier at 9:12 a.m. they had another accident at Hwy 1 and Yerba Buena. No arrests were made in either apparent fender-bender.
• Jan. 25: Police contacted a repeat customer at 8:30 a.m. in the 200 block of Harbor. The 39-year-old fellow was nicked for suspicion of possessing drug paraphernalia, as his stash had apparently already gone up in smoke.
• Jan. 24: At 10:07 p.m. police came across a juvenile hooligan in the 400 block of Yerba Buena. Logs indicated the apparent street yob was allegedly drunk and got in a tussle with the cops. The miscreant was arrested for suspicion of battery on a police officer; being a minor beyond parental control; and drunk and disorderly conduct, which explains a lot. He was hauled to juvenile hall to cool his heels.
• Jan. 24: Police responded at 7:38 p.m. to the 200 block of Beach for a minor traffic crash.
• Jan. 24: They used to say California’s streets were paved in gold, one fellow almost had that come true. A man turned in to police $300 cash that he said he found laying on the ground by his parked car on Napa Avenue (we won’t say where). If it isn’t claimed within 30 days, it becomes a case of finder’s-keepers.
• Jan. 24: Porch pirates struck in the 600 block of Quintana, on the other hand, someone turned over mail they’d mistakenly gotten in the 500 block of Quinn Ct.
• Jan. 24: Police contacted another wanted chap at 2:32 p.m. in the 1600 block of Main. The 33-year-old malcontent was hauled first to the hospital for a medical check, and then to jail on a bench warrant.
• Jan. 23: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:38 p.m. at Main and Dunes. The 53-year-old driver was nicked for suspicion of being thick as a tick behind the stick.
• Jan. 23: Police responded at 7 p.m. to a disturbance in the 800 block of Monterey. Logs indicated a suspected inebriated squit, 66, reportedly got into a fight with the cops that landed him in the dungeon.
• Jan. 23: Police responded at 2:41 pm. to Market and Beach for a car crash. No word on injuries, but the cars will never be the same.
• Jan. 23: Police contacted another repeat customer at 1 p.m. in City Park on Harbor. He of course had a bench warrant and was issued another disappearance ticket and let loose to catch another day.
• Jan. 23: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 10:39 a.m. at the Community Center on Kennedy Way. Logs indicated the swizzle stick, 34, was nicked for suspicion of being trashed and stoned in public; possessing a glass crack pipe; and disorderly conduct. He was put out of our misery for now.
• Jan. 21: Someone in the 600 block of Main reported a missing person and police filed the information.
• Jan. 21: Police contacted a suspicious fellow, 46, at 12:50 p.m. actin’ a-fool-a-gin in the 1200 block of Embarcadero. He had a warrant and was hauled to the hoosegow for a delousing.
• Jan. 20: Police responded to the high school on Atascadero Road at 11:22 a.m. for a reported battery. Logs indicated an unknown ruffian man “pushed a juvenile volunteer at a high school event.” The boor apparently fled before police arrived to teach him some manners.
• Jan. 20: Someone turned in a bicycle they found in the 900 block of Morro Bay Blvd. No word on whether it was stolen or even worth stealing.
• Jan. 18: Police came across a suspicious woman, 61, at 6:30 p.m. in the 900 block of Morro Bay Blvd. who had a “non-citable” — an invitation she couldn’t refuse — from the judge. She was carted to the hospital for a medical check and then off to the Tower she went.
• Jan. 18: Police were called to a reported theft at 2:35 p.m. in the 400 block of LaJolla. Logs indicated they caught up to the mutt on Dogwood and nailed the 20-year-old alleged petty thief for petty theft.
• Jan. 18: Police responded to a disturbance at 10:30 a.m. in the 2600 block of Elm and filed a report charging battery.
• Jan. 17: At 10 p.m. police contacted a suspicious man in City Park on Harbor. The apparent Scrap, 55, had a bench warrant and was checked into the County B&B.
• Jan. 17: Police responded to the 400 block of Monterey where some anarchist vandalized an innocent car.
• Jan. 16: Police responded to the 1100 block of Main where they took a report involving the suspected forcible rape of a co-habitant or spouse by threats or fear; and making terrorist threats. An arrest is hoped to be imminent.
• Jan. 17: At 2 p.m. police contacted two more model citizens with three bench warrants in City Park on Harbor. A 41-year-old man and 23-year-old woman chilled in the cooler.
• Jan. 17: Police responded at 7 a.m. to a traffic crash at Main and San Jacinto. No injuries to report.
• Jan. 17: Police contacted a regular customer at 5:55 a.m. in the 800 block of Quintana. The 43-year-old apparent night owl was nicked for suspicion of possessing illegal drugs and paraphernalia, hanging offenses in some parts.
• Jan. 17: Police in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd., espied a pair of likely suspects at 12:30 a.m. Logs indicated the fellows, ages 66 and 49, were arrested for suspicion of possessing drugs and paraphernalia and carted off to the County sober living facility.
• Jan. 16: Police contacted another apparent deplorable outside the basket in the 300 block of Atascadero Rd., at 5:20 p.m. The 58-year-old fellow had two non-citable bench warrants and was hauled away.
• Jan. 16: Police responded to the fire department on Harbor at 12:15 p.m. after they found an apparently abandoned and possibly — no, probably — stolen, electric bicycle outside the stationhouse. In an unrelated matter, at 10:40 a.m. a woman in the 2000 block of Main reported finding a strange bicycle abandoned in her backyard.
• Jan. 16: Police responded at 11:21 a.m. to the Mobil gas station in the 900 block of Morro Bay Blvd., after they reported some evil, apparent nature lover, ripped up multiple plants and tore up the flower arrangements in the planters by the pumps. The apparently angry fellow reportedly admitted to taking the flowers and police graciously allowed him to return the plants, which he reportedly did, and thus avoided being planted in jail.