• Feb. 26: Police responded to Morro Bay Boulevard where some 39-year-old fellow was apparently causing a ruckus. He was taken for a 72-hour timeout with County Mental Health.
• Feb. 25: Police responded to a disturbance on Quinn Court and contacted some choleric boozy zhlub who was allegedly intoxicated and beating his wife. The tool, according to logs, ripped a cell phone out of her hands preventing her from calling 9-1-1, and also reportedly stopped her from taking their children to safety. The police said there was a suspicion of child neglect. The Piojo of the Year was charged with suspicion of corporal punishment and aggravated assault on his spouse, destroying a cell phone being used to call for help, and child endangerment.
• Feb. 25: Police were called to an undisclosed address on Monterey Avenue for a disturbance. Logs indicated a 38-year-old Tin Woodsman was nicked for suspicion of aggravated assault and brandishing a hatchet. He got chopped down to size in the hoosegow.
• Feb. 24: Police contacted a juvenile girl on Kings Avenue regarding a report of multiple sexual assaults. Logs indicated she told police that her ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted her 10 times — three times in Morro Bay and seven in Los Osos. Police are investigating the case as statutory rape.
• Feb. 24: Police responded to somewhere on Coleman Drive (at Morro Rock?) for a reported rape. Logs indicated the case involved “sodomy by force/violence/fear,” and an arrest is no doubt imminent, with a horse whipping, though befitting the crime, not an allowable punishment at this time.
• Feb. 24: Police took a report of molestation of an apparently unconscious minor at an unknown location, while the perpetrator was apparently acting disorderly, perhaps the understatement of the week.
• Feb. 24: Police responded to Del Mar Elementary School on Sequoia St., where some no doubt distracted mom or dad committed crash-n-dash. Logs didn’t indicate a suspect, but by the ‘morrow every kid at school will no doubt know.
• Feb. 24: Police contacted a regular customer at City Park and nicked the 53-year-old scofflaw for five failure-to-appear bench warrants.
• Feb. 23: Police responded to a suspicious subject on State Park Road and discovered a woman suffering from head injuries and an injured elbow from “unknown circumstances.” The case is being investigated as a battery with great bodily injury and aggravated assault, which there seems to be a lot of that going around these days.
• Feb. 23: Someone left a car at Hwy 1 and San Jacinto Street and police towed the apparently offensive vehicle away for an expired registration.
• Feb. 23: Police contacted a 63-year-old wanted woman somewhere on Quintana Road who had a bench warrant. She was issued a second disappearance ticket and loosed back into the wild.
• Feb. 22: Police responded to the front of the police station after some apparently crazed woman twice rammed her car into the stationhouse doors, no doubt seeking drive-thru justice. Police are charging her with suspicion of felony vandalism of public property and placed her on a 72-hour mental health hold. Hopefully they took away her car too.
• Feb. 22: Police responded to the Embarcadero for a reported shoplifting. According to logs, the alleged thief walked into Under-the-Sea Gallery store, grabbed several items and brazenly walked out the door with four pairs of stolen pants. No arrest was noted in logs.
• Feb. 22: Police contacted a suspicious yahoo in the 500 block of Quintana Rd. Logs indicated the 48-year-old model citizen was caught with suspected illegal drugs in his possession, along with illegal drug paraphernalia. He was also charged with allegedly trying to destroy evidence, something that’s no doubt understandable for a nicked drug addict to want to do.
• Feb. 22: Police caught an apparent case of crying wolf after a woman on Jamaica Street repeatedly called 9-1-1 with apparent false alarms. Logs indicated she was given a mental health day or two off with the County.
• Feb. 21: Police contacted a local idler at a shopping center in the 700 block of Quintana who had an invite to tea with the judge. He was taken to the Parkinson Plaza to freshen up before seeing Lady Justice, who may be blind but can still smell.
• Feb. 20: Police responded to a business in the 100 block of the Embarcadero for a report that someone apparently rented an electric bike and liked it so much they decided to keep it, a little ditty they call grand theft.
• Feb. 20: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at Beach and Main for several undisclosed code violations. The driver, 20, was given a sobriety test, which he apparently failed miserably and was arrested on suspicion of driving stoned on drugs.
• Feb. 20: Police contacted a suspicious fellow somewhere on Main Street. The 30-year-old apparent ghost had four bench warrants. Police took him to the stationhouse where they issued another summons to appear and let the idjit go, no doubt part of the catch-and-release job security program.
• Feb. 20: Police responded to Elm Street where they took a report of yet another hit-n-split crash. No injuries were reported but no doubt the car will never be the same.
• Feb. 19: Some unknown, apparent bad Samaritan called in criminal threats to Morro Bay High School.