• April 4: Police responded to the 700 block of Harbor for a reported stolen vehicle. According to logs, the owner said it was taken without his or her consent, which is technically stealing no matter how you slice it, and then the lipspittler got into a smash-n-dash crash and Chuck’s towed the vehicle.
• April 2: Someone reported a hit-n-split crash on Harbor Street.
• April 2: Police espied a familiar foe at 2:40 p.m. in the 1600 block of Main, relaxing in the parking lot at Antique Woodwork store. Logs indicated he had an arrest warrant and found out it was his lucky day, as he got to spend the night in the Parkinson Plaza.
• April 1: Police responded at 11:55 a.m. to City Park on Harbor Street where some fool was causing a disturbance. Logs indicated the 30-year-old roustabout was jailed for suspicion of being plastered where the tourists can see you.
• April 1: Police responded at 9:24 a.m. to the 1000 block of Embarcadero and towed off a parked vehicle that was an apparent traffic hazard.
• April 1: Police responded at 4 a.m. to a kerfuffle in the 800 block of Monterey. Logs indicated the contacted a 30-year-old fellow who was arrested for suspicion of being bone to the marrow stupid drunk.
• March 30: Police responded at 7 p.m. to the 2000 block of Dogwood where some non compos mentos mutt had made a hit-run crash.
• March 30: Police spied a regular customer at 10:47 a.m. in the 700 block of Harbor. The 36-year-old scofflaw was arrested for violating probation, as the wheels on the bus go round-and-round…
• March 30: Police responded to the 800 block of Quintana where some tool stole a generator out of the back of the pickup.
• March 29: Police contacted a wanted woman, 39, at 8:36 a.m. in the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd. She had three bench warrants and was tossed into the dungeon.
• March 29: Someone found a wallet at City Park on Harbor Street and gave it to police to find the true owner.
• March 28: Police responded to the 1300 block of Teresa Dr., for a reported case of suspected elder abuse at an old folks home.
• March 28: Police responded to the 300 block of Quintana where some scoundrel vandalized a motor home while stealing the battery, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• March 28: Police contacted a repeat customer at 1:21 p.m. up to apparently no good in the 600 block of Main. The 42-year-old apparent sneetch was arrested for violating terms of his probation — no doubt to not being a squit.
• March 28: A woman in the 1300 block of Bolton said someone broke into her home and burgled the place. No word on the treasures taken.
• March 27: Police spotted a suspicious woman at noon in City Park on Harbor Street. Logs indicated the 54-year-old regular Bonnie Parker had a bench warrant but was cited and unleashed back on decent society.
• March 26: Police responded at 9:21 p.m. to the Java and took a 19-year-old woman into protective custody for a 72-hour mental health hold.
• March 26: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 6 p.m. at Pacific and Main and arrested the 69-year-old they/them/it for suspicion of being rat-arsed drunk in public.
• March 25: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at an undisclosed time at Monterey and Harbor. The driver, 62, was nicked for allegedly driving pickled.
• March 25: Police caught up to another desperado, 27, in the 800 block of Napa who had four bench warrants. He was given a fifth ticket to ignore and released.
• March 25: Some tool stole a tool out of a vehicle in the 400 block of Arbutus, which ought to at least be good for 40 lashes with a rattan cane.
• March 23: Police contacted a swizzle stick, 68, winding his way down Quintana Road and arrested him for suspicion of being smoked in public.
• March 23: A police officer reported finding a glass crack pipe in his or her police cruiser, no doubt left by some upstanding arrestee. They planned to destroy it.
• March 22: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at the Community Center on Kennedy Way who had a pair of bench warrants but was issued another disappearance ticket and released back to plague society once again.
• March 22: A citizen in the 300 block of Arbutus said the front license plate was missing off his Dodge Ram 2500 Truck. No doubt a task force was formed to find the missing plate.
• March 22: Police contacted another citizen of the year, 35, in the 800 block of MBB who had a pair of arrest warrants and was put out of our misery.
• March 22: Police responded to the 300 block of MBB for a reported charge of battery. Logs indicated a business owner said some ruffian came in and started a fight with him. The pair “engaged in a brief altercation” before the apparent aggressor fled in a white truck. Logs indicated the owner didn’t want to press charges, as he apparently won this first round.
• March 22: Some graffidiot struck in the 2800 block of Main and police are hunting the varmint.
• March 21: Police contacted a regular customer and apparent resident of the creek bed estates in the 800 block of Quintana who had four bench warrants and was cited once again, no doubt looking to fill an inside straight.
• March 20: Police responded t 6:36 p.m. to the Fireside Inn in the 800 block of Morro for a disturbance. Logs said a 46-year-old louse was arrested for abuse of his spouse and hauled to the big house.
• March 20: Police responded at 11:39 a.m. to the 1100 block of Allesandro for a trespassing. Logs indicated some 44-year-old model citizen with multiple bench warrants had walked through a restraining order and was hauled to the nick.
• March 20: Police responded to the 2600 block of Main where some 44-year-old freakazoid was allegedly stalking some poor tortured soul. He was hauled to the stationhouse and no doubt after being grilled under hot lights, he made a statement (perjury), and a crime report was begun. He was then hauled to the gaol.
• March 20: Police contacted a 46-year-old local resident of the creek bed estates at 11:38 a.m. in the 700 block of Quintana who had three bench warrants. Naturally, when they searched him, they allegedly found suspected illegal drugs that landed him in the pokey.
• March 20: Police towed away an offensive vehicle abandoned on Errol Street and the world was again made safe for Democracy.
• March 20: A good egg apparently lent his or her vehicle to some apparently rotten egg who over-easily scrambled away with it.
• March 20: A citizen in the 1300 block of Main said some scamboogah committed a grand larceny, a despicable crime nonetheless.
• March 20: Police responded at 9:25 a.m. to the Holland Inn in the 2600 block of Main where someone vandalized a vehicle, no doubt because they couldn’t steal anything.