• April 30: Police contacted a local yokel, 45, by the beach in the 100 block of Azure St. He had two bench warrants and that warranted that a future warrant be issued.
• April 30: Police contacted another citizen of the year at 10:35 a.m. in the 500 block of Monterey. That apparent swagman, 38, had six bench warrants and was also found in alleged possession of illegal drugs, which he apparently didn’t have time to send up in smoke.
• April 30: At 3:26 a.m. police came across a no doubt most curious sight — a running vehicle stopped at the Main and Quintana stoplight with a driver slumped over and passed out behind the wheel. Logs indicated the 24-year-old fellow “displayed signs of being under the influence” of illegal drugs. The guy also allegedly had suspected methamphetamine packaged up for alleged sales, and he had a bench warrant. He was tossed into the gaol for suspicion of DUI drugs, possession of drugs for sale, transportation of illegal drugs for sale, the warrant and of course no driver’s license, in this week’s example of why they call it dope.
• April 29: Police took a report at 4:16 p.m. in the 700 block of Monterey after a City street tree dropped a big limb onto a parked car below and damaged it.
• April 29: Police responded to the 300 block of Morro Bay Blvd., at 12:33 p.m. and arrested a 38-year-old woman for suspicion of trespassing. The apparent public enemy No. 1,000 was hauled to jail.
• April 29: Someone in the 1500 block of Main reported vandalism.
• April 29: Police espied yet another humanicus dooficus shillyshallying along at 10 a.m. in the 900 block of Main. Logs indicated the 31-year-old annoying flesh monkey had allegedly been enjoying the breakfast of champions — liquor — and was nicked.
• April 29: Police responded at 10:07 a.m. to City Park on Harbor Street for a kerfuffle caused by some fluffled fellow who’d apparently had curfuffled the straights in the park. The fellow had eight bench warrants and was of course issued another ticket and allowed to continue with his curfuffling ways.
• April 29: Police contacted another suspicious fellow at 8:16 a.m. in the Morro Rock parking lot. He had four bench warrants and police checked him into the Parkinson Plaza for three hots and a cot.
• April 28: Police responded to a disturbance at 10:50 a.m. at Morro Bay Market & Spirits in the 300 block of the boulevard. Logs indicated they found a 46-year-old apparently cranky pants fellow whom they arrested because he was too drunk to take care of his own safety, as they are apparently safer in jail.
• April 27: Police were called at 12:41 p.m. about a missing woman who was released April 25 from a mental hospital and who is also a reported drug addict with no means of supporting herself.
• April 27: Police responded to the 1100 block of Front St., where they arrested a 44-year-old hombre for suspicion of grand theft.
• April 27: Police at Morro Bay High cited a 17-year-old hooligan for suspicion of truancy, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• April 26: Police responded to the 2800 block of Hemlock where a citizen said some unknown thief stole two gold rings and two watches worth about $2,600, which sounds like an inside job.
• April 26: Police forged a theft by forgery report in the 500 block of Morro Bay Blvd. and will forge ahead with an investigation.
• April 26: A citizen in the 300 block of Piney Way reportedly said she was being stalked. No word on a suspected scamboogah.
• April 25: Police responded at 2:40 p.m. to a disturbance in the 800 block of Monterey. Logs indicated they encountered a 43-year-old apparent hellion who was the cause of the big ado. She was nicked for alleged disorderly conduct, two bench warrants and being spanked in public, which explains a lot.
• April 25: Police at the high school arrested a 16-year-old apparent student for allegedly making criminal terrorist threats, possessing a knife on school grounds and resisting arrest.
• April 24: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:24 p.m. somewhere on Main Street. Logs indicated the woman driver, 45, was arrested for allegedly driving waxed.
• April 23: Police responded at 3:17 a.m. to the 2800 block of Main after some graffidiot tagged the side of the Del Mar Market and then slithered off into the night.
• April 22: Police contacted a swizzle stick sashaying down the 300 block of Main at 5:07 p.m. The neat Happy Hour refugee was nicked for suspicion of being sloppy in public.
• April 22: Police responded at 9 a.m. to the 2400 block of Main where someone reported a sneaky sneak sneaking around the property. He’d sneaked off before officers snuck up on him.
• April 22: Police contacted a familiar fellow, 44, at 12:13 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana and arrested him on 10, count ‘em 10! bench warrants. The judge will no doubt be happy to see the desperado. Earlier, at 11:41 a.m. they came across another lost boy, 30, and cite-released him, no doubt ‘cause he only had five bench warrants.
• April 22: Police started a missing person case in the 500 block of Kings. A 27-year-old man was last seen by his mom on April 11.
• April 22: Police contacted a 28-year-old wanted man with three bench warrants at 8:39 a.m. on Beach Street. The model citizen was also allegedly in possession of suspected illegal drugs and drug paraphernalia. He got injected into the hoosegow.
• April 21: Police responded to a disturbance at 9:17 p.m. in the 1700 block of the Embarcadero. Logs indicated a 27-year-old fellow was having a bit of a meltdown and was taken for a 72-hour timeout.
• April 21: Police responded at 9:59 p.m. to the 2600 block of Main where a distraught woman was in the lobby of the Holland Inn. Logs indicated she was the victim of domestic violence. Officers arrested her apparent louse of a husband, 28, for suspicion of corporal injury to a spouse and aggravated assault.
• April 21: At 1:16 p.m. police responded to a home in the 300 block of Arbutus where someone had passed away.
• April 21: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:29 a.m. on Monterey Avenue. Los indicated the car’s registration was expired over six months, so the 84-year-old woman driver was cited. Officers gave her a lift home but arrested her completely innocent car.
• April 21: Someone turned in a firearm for destruction that someone was no doubt shootin’ to be rid of.
• April 21: Police contacted yet another Wiz, 30, at 8:30 a.m. in the 700 block of Quintana who only had three bench warrants. He was given a fourth disappearance ticket and released to ease on down, ease on down the road…
• April 21: At 7:41 a.m. police responded to the 600 block of Quintana where an offensive parked vehicle was blocking a private driveway. Logs indicated they had to tow it off because “it is impractical to move the vehicle from in front of the driveway to another point on the highway,” which is about as clear as Yoo-Hoo Soda.
• April 21: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the highly suspect time of 1:44 a.m. on Hwy 1 at Atascadero Road. The 22-year-old driver was given a field sobriety test, which he apparently failed miserably. He was arrested for suspicion of driving stupid.
• April 20: Police responded to a disturbance at 10 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. Logs indicated they arrested a 43-year-old sizzled gent for suspicion of being schmammered in public.
• April 20: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 3:34 p.m. at Monterey and Beach. The 41-year old had a bench warrant and was booked into County Jail.
• April 20: At 2:44 p.m. somewhere on Quintana they encountered another apparent outdoorsman, 38, with five bench warrant cards. He was dealt another hole in his punch card and released.
• April 20: Police contacted a wanted woman, 37, at 9:41 p.m. on Quintana. She had a felony arrest warrant and was quick to get nicked.
• April 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:15 p.m. in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. The 47-year-old woman driver was cited for a suspended license and a little matter of two bench warrants.
• April 19: Someone found a laptop computer in the 200 block of Beach and turned it over to police.
• April 18: Police responded at 1 p.m. to the Morro Rock parking lot where they cited a 17-year-old apparent speed demon for suspicion of reckless driving and spinning brodies in the dirt.
• April 18: Someone turned in a cell phone they found somewhere in town, no doubt calling on police to re-connect with the disconnected owner.
• April 17: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:42 p.m. at San Jacinto and Hwy 1. Logs indicated the driver, 29, was cited and released for suspicion of driving on a toot.
• April 17: Police responded at 10 a.m. to the 1400 block of Quintana for a reported sticky-fingered fellow plying his tradecraft. The 36-year-old was arrested for suspicion of burglary and of course a probation violation.