• Aug. 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5:51 p.m. in the 1700 block of embarcadero. A 41-year-old Long Beach tomato was nicked for suspicion of driving sauced.
• Aug. 28: Police contacted a regular customer at 11 p.m. at Albertsons on Quintana Road who had an RSVP from the judge. She was issued another disappearance ticket and released.
• Aug. 28: Police stopped a suspicious car at 8:51 p.m. at Main and Las Vegas. Logs indicated the Paso Robles resident, 29, was cited for alleged possession of drug paraphernalia, her stash no doubt hidden where the sun don’t shine and the police won’t search.
• Aug. 27: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 12:30 p.m. at Quintana Place and Main. The 36-year-old from Santa Maria had a bench warrant and was cited and released to continue his heathenish ways.
• Aug. 26: Police contacted an apparent swizzle stick traipsing about at 11:10 p.m. in the 1100 block of Napa. Logs indicated the 40-year-old man, whose listed occupation is “fisherman,” got nicked for suspicion of possessing drugs and a glass crack pipe. He was cited and released.
• Aug. 26: Police responded at 11:18 a.m. to a disturbance in the 300 block of Beachcomber. Logs indicated a 31-year-old hombre from Bakersfield was cited for alleged willful violation of a stay-the-hell-away-from-me court order.
• Aug. 26: Police responded at 12:18 a.m. to a hit-n-split accident in the 1100 block of Front St. Logs indicated a 36-year-old woman from Yuma, Ariz., was arrested for suspicion of crashin’-n-dashin’, a suspended license and driving smashed, which explains a lot.
• Aug. 24: Police responded at 10:45 p.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Main. A 30-year-old louse from Jonesboro, Arkansas, was arrested for suspicion of domestic battery.
• Aug. 24: Police responded at 10:26 p.m. to a disturbance in the 800 block of Main. Logs indicated a 39-year-old scruffy philistine from Cambria was hauled to the gulag for suspicion of flexing his beer muscles.
• Aug. 24: Police stopped a suspicious car at 7:13 p.m. in the 900 block of Main, the heart of the danger zone. The 56-year-old driver was arrested for suspicion of driving rat-arsed and he was tossed into to the dungeon.
• Aug. 23: Police contacted s suspicious man at 10:17 a.m. at Scott and Morro. Logs indicated the 44-year-old from Oceano had a bench warrant and was given his next FTA and released.
• Aug. 22: Police got a late report of shots fired in the 100 block of Vashon at 3:09 p.m. No arrests were made, as apparently the shooter missed.
• Aug. 22: Police responded at 2 p.m. to Rite Aid on Quintana where they caught a customer allegedly using the help-yourself aisle. A 43-year-old sticky-fingered fellow was cited for suspicion of shoplifting, a hanging offense in these parts but a career path in Frisco.
• Aug. 22: Police caught up to an old familiar face at 1 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. The 47-year-old regular customer had an arrest warrant and was checked into the Parkinson Plaza to atone for his delinquency.
• Aug. 22: Police responded to a reported theft the 700 block of Quintana at Burger King. A 35-year-old woman had a bench warrant and was cited for suspicion of petty theft, as apparently she couldn’t have it her way.
• Aug. 22: Police responded at 2 a.m., to a disturbance somewhere Downtown. The apparently raucous fellow, 30, was hauled to the clink for suspicion of getting spanked in public.
• Aug. 21: Police were called at 8:36 p.m. with a tip about a guy in the 700 block of Embarcadero who “was reported heavily intoxicated and operating a motor vehicle,” according to logs. The 62-year-old borracho was arrested for suspicion of driving deep in his cups.
• Aug. 21: Police responded at 7:30 p.m. to a disturbance in the 200 block of Olive. Police contacted a 28-year-old gent whom they arrested for resisting arrest and suspicion of getting slizzard in public.
• Aug. 21: Police contacted a 43-year-old apparently crankypated woman at 1:45 p.m. at Main and Harbor. She was nicked for suspicion of disorderly conduct and the Mamaluke was reportedly booked into the County B&B.
• Aug. 20: Police responded at “4003” hours (sic) to the 2000 block of Seaview for a car crack-up. No injuries reported.
• Aug. 20: A citizen in the 500 block of Main said his or her car was entered and rummaged through but the thief apparently didn’t find anything worth stealing. Another vehicle at the location was apparently not so lucky, though police didn’t reveal the possessions pilfered.
• Aug. 18: Police responded to the 2700 block of Hemlock where a citizen said their bicycle had been stolen from the driveway. Logs indicated they later recovered the bike at 2170 Main. It was apparently undamaged, though no doubt traumatized.
• Aug. 18: A citizen in the 200 block of Dunes told police that he or she had been threatened via text message, a case where caller blocking might come in handy.
• Aug. 17: Police contacted the Three Stooges at 9:14 p.m. camping out at the Community Center. A man, 51, woman, 21, and another fellow, 29 were cited for alleged possession of a crack pipe and illegal camping, nick, nick, nick…
• Aug. 17: Police towed away an apparently offensive vehicle parked too long in the 400 block of Rennel.
• Aug. 17: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:09 p.m. in the 800 block of Morro Bay Blvd. Logs indicated the fooliot, 59, had a suspended license and was cited and released. His vehicle however, was jailed at the impound yard. It was the second capture of a guy’s vehicle for a suspended license. The first was at 10 a.m. on Atascadero Road down by the beach.
• Aug. 17: Two wallets were found by two different Samaritans in two different places and both given to police.
• Aug. 17: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at the highly suspect time of 3:18 a.m. in the 300 block of Quintana. A 69-year-old apparent swagman was cited for a bench warrant and released.
• Aug. 16: A citizen in the 100 block of Rennel reported vandalism. Police are sending a crime report to the district attorney for possible inaction.
• Aug. 16: Police responded to Coast Electronics in the 500 block of Quintana where they reported some master criminal stole a hand-held radio scanner.
• Aug. 16: At 9:47 a.m. police spied a suspicious fellow at Lila Keiser Park. Logs indicated the 52-year-old scofflaw had a bench warrant. He was of course issued another slip of paper and released.
• Aug. 16: A man in the 300 block of Quintana called police to report a theft of his property from a storage unit. Logs indicated they discovered the victim had two bench warrants, so they cited him, the victim — the guy who got ripped off — because you should never bow before hyenas.