• Dec. 4: At 2:41 p.m. police responded to the 1900 block of Sunset where they towed off an offending, apparent road-hog’s car for parking blocking half the sidewalk.
• Dec. 3: Police responded at 4:17 p.m. to a disturbance in the 1300 block of Clarabelle. Logs indicated a 36-year-old apparent hothead was arrested for suspicion of domestic battery, damaging a phone to prevent calling for help, and being stoned on drugs, which explains a lot.
• Dec. 3: Police responded at 3:51 p.m. to the 900 block of Balboa where someone said a sneak thief snuck into their car and committed grand theft.
• Dec. 2: Police stopped at suspicious vehicle at 8:15 p.m. in the area of Main and Quintana. The driver, 52, was busted for suspicion of driving half cut behind the wheel.
• Dec. 1: At 11:39 a.m. police towed away a vehicle parked too long in the 700 block of Pacific, once again making the world safe for decent, Americans.
• Nov. 30: Police responded at 1:30 p.m. to a fire in the 1600 block of Main at Wee Shack. According to logs, a 21-year-old woman was arrested for suspicion of “starting a reckless fire within city limits.”
•Nov. 29: From the found-found files, someone found a license plate somewhere in town and turned it over to police. Police also contacted a woman in the 200 block of State Park Rd., regarding her lost military I.D., no doubt a threat to national security and to Democracy its very self.
• Nov. 29: A citizen in the 300 block of Preston Ln., told police that some monster got into his or her unlocked vehicle and stole undisclosed treasures.
• Nov. 29: Police responded at 2:50 a.m. to a disturbance in the 1900 block of Sunset. Logs indicated a 41-year-old louse was arrested for suspicion of domestic violence and battery. He spent the night in lockup, no doubt alone with his conscience.
• Nov. 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:33 p.m. at Main and Beach. Logs indicated the driver, a 31-year-old fellow, was nailed for suspicion of driving hammered. His 35-year-old passenger got it in the end too for suspicion of being schwacked in public.
• Nov. 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8:45 p.m. in the 1500 block of Main. Logs indicated a 50-year-old tomato was busted for allegedly driving stewed.
• Nov. 28: Police responded to the 1000 block of Las Tunas where a guy said some apparent cat burglar got into his car and stole pepper spray, coins and cat treats.
• Nov. 28: police responded at 1:45 p.m. to a motorcycle vs vehicle crash at the entrance to Miner’s Hardware in the 500 block of Atascadero Rd. The motorcyclist involved was taken to the hospital and later died from his injuries.
• Nov. 28: Police responded at 11:45 a.m. to the 400 block of Fairview where a citizen told police that some scoundrel had stolen a “large amount of coins from under his friend’s house,” which no doubt pays better than an FTX crypto account but ultimately was no safer.
• Nov. 27: Police contacted a naughty boy at 8:30 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. The 41-year-old scofflaw had a half dozen bench warrants and contrary to recent trends, was actually taken to the hoosegow.
• Nov. 27: Police responded to the 600 block of Kings where someone left her vehicle unlocked and naturally some nefarious nocturnal ninny got into it and stole a credit card, which of course was immediately used to commit fraud.
• Nov. 27: Police responded to a report of people gettin’ trashed on drugs at 10:35 a.m. in the 500 block of Quintana. A 21-year-old belle of the ball was nicked for suspicion of being high on dope. Her 30-year-old fellow traveler had a trio of bench warrants, so they shared a ride to County lockup.
• Nov. 26: Police were called at 4:22 p.m. to a disturbance in City Park in the 700 block of Harbor. Logs indicated an annoying flesh monkey was apparently raising Hell in the park and scaring all the straights. The 38-year-old candidate for dingus of the year was nicked for suspicion of being stultified in public and she was hauled to the gaol to sleep it off.
• Nov. 26: Police responded at 11:06 a.m. to an injury traffic collision at Hwy 1 and San Jacinto Street. A 27-year-old woman driver was arrested for suspicion of causing a crash-n-dash accident and driving smashed.
• Nov. 26: At 10 a.m. police towed away an apparently rogue vehicle parked at Lila Keiser Park because the registration was expired over 6 months, a hanging offense in this state.
• Nov. 25: Police responded to a disturbance report at 2 p.m. in the 600 block of Embarcadero. Logs indicated the subject was taken for a 72-hour chill session with County Mental Health as a danger to himself, herself, itself, themself and/or others.
• Nov. 25: Police responded at 1 p.m. to Rite Aid on Quintana where some annoying flesh monkey was being a pest. Logs indicated the fellow, who was 29, had bench warrants, but was issued another disappearance ticket and unleashed again on an unsuspecting world.
• Nov. 24: Police responded at 2:30 p.m. to a call for help in the 300 block of Shasta. Logs indicated an elderly person was “transported to SVRMC [Sierra Vista Regional Medical Center] due to grave conditions.” Police also apprised County Adult Protective Services of the incident.
• Nov. 24: Police responded at 4:47 a.m. to the 500 block of Atascadero Rd., for a woman apparently having a moment. The 21-year-old hellcat was arrested for suspicion of disorderly conduct and went along peacefully to jail, all the Hell apparent gone from this cat.
• Nov. 23: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8:56 p.m. in the 1700 block of Main. Logs indicated the driver, 52, got hit with a “1-5-2” or driving under the influence of demon rum and a suspended license.
• Nov. 23: Someone found something somewhere in the 1100 block of Embarcadero. Somehow they decided they would someway return the something to the rightful owner, and so turned it over to some police officer who did something with the something until someday, somebody might claim it, or something like that…
• Nov. 23: At 12:06 a.m. police spied a swizzle stick traipsing down the 800 block of Morro Bay Blvd. Logs indicated the arrested the 65-year-old saucy fellow for suspicion of being soused in public.
• Nov. 22: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 7:05 p.m. in the 300 block of Hill. Logs indicated a 27-year-old woman was nicked for suspicion of driving on a toot and child endangerment, presumably her own child.
• Nov. 21: Police responded at 10:57 p.m. to a disturbance in the 200 block of Harbor. Logs indicated some apparently foul-mouthed vixen, 52, was arrested for suspicion of trespassing, disturbing the peace by use of filthy language to do it.
• Nov. 21: Police responded at 8:30 p.m. to the 400 block of Quintana where someone at the Dollar Tree Store found a “white crystal-like substance.” No word on what the suspicious stuff was but given the location it was likely from China.
• Nov. 21: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:54 a.m. on Hwy 1 at Atascadero Road exit. The 22-year-old borracho was hit for suspicion of driving spanked.