• Jan. 23: Police responded at 7:46 p.m. to Coleman Drive and the Embarcadero for a car crash. Logs indicated a big rock apparently jumped in front of a car and the driver had abandoned his busted up car and fugitated. He was caught a short time later and the 29-year-old was of course allegedly driving trashed when he crashed and was dashed off to the meat locker.
• Jan. 23: Police were called at 5:41 p.m. to an ongoing residential disturbance in the 900 block of Allesandro. The Bickersons were apparently counseled to ‘shadd-up already!’
• Jan. 23: Police responded to the 2300 block of Nutmeg where some dingus vandalized two parked cars.
• Jan. 23: Police responded at 7:52 a.m. to Albertson’s Market on Quintana for an assault. An Albertson’s employee apparently had a go with a customer; no word on who started it, but one might further a guess who will be blamed.
• Jan. 23: Police contacted a swizzle stick waltzing down the 2800 block of Main at 2:30 a.m. Logs indicated the 69-year-old fellow for suspicion of being stultified as even duct tape can’t fix stupid.
• Jan. 21: Police responded to a disturbance at 2 p.m. in the 100 block of Kodiak. An apparently out-of-control juvenile was taken for a 72-hour timeout at County Mental Health.
• Jan. 21: Police contacted a regular customer at 1:40 p.m. at Albertson’s Market. The 29-year-old apparent plod was given a notice to appear on the five failure-to-appear tickets he already had, for justice is blind — and apparently deaf and dumb too.
• Jan. 21: Police responded to a vandalism report at Sunset and Atascadero Road. Some demented maniac damaged the passenger door on a 2021 Ford F-150 truck.
• Jan. 20: Police caught up to a suspicious man goin’ woolly-booger in City Park. The 33-year-old Mamaluke was nicked for suspicion of being high on drugs.
• Jan. 20: Police responded at 5:50 p.m. to the 300 block of MBB where they arrested a 51-year-old fellow got picked up for suspicion of being skulled in public.
• Jan. 20: At 5:30 p.m. police responded to City Park where some bust-a-fooligan was acting out. Logs indicated they arrested a 36-year-old man for suspicion of being blitzed and of course while being hauled to the nick he allegedly resisted arrest. So that charge was added to his sheet.
• Jan. 20: Police encountered a familiar face at 2:16 p.m. in the 900 block of MBB. The 35-year-old apparent nillionaire had a bench warrant and was of course cited and released again.
• Jan. 20: Police responded at 5:20 a.m. to a disturbance in the 2600 block of Ironwood. Logs indicated a 24-year-old boisterous fellow was arrested for suspicion of resisting arrest and being a tornado riding the back of a hurricane.
• Jan. 20: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 12:05 a.m. in the 900 block of Piney Way. The 37-year-old man had outstanding warrants and was given another and released.
• Jan. 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10 a.m. in the 1300 block of Main. Logs indicated the driver, 26, was nicked for suspicion of driving schnookered but was cited and released to presumably a sober friend.
• Jan. 19: A citizen in the 400 block of Mindoro told police that their property management company “has been embezzling money since possibly June 2021,” which is no doubt just the tip of the iceberg.
• Jan. 19: Police conducted a welfare check at 2 p.m. in the 500 block of Monterey. Logs indicated the 44-year-old fellow they were checking up on had a warrant. He was cited and released for our troubles.
• Jan. 18: Police responded at 10:12 p.m. to yet another disturbance in City Park. A 37-year-old apparent ruffian was arrested for disorderly conduct.
• Jan. 18: police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9 p.m. at Beach and Morro. The driver, 27, was cited for a suspended license and sentenced to hard labor at the DMV.
• Jan. 18: Police documented an anonymous threat to Morro Bay High School by some apparent fiend.
• Jan. 18: A woman in the 400 block of Marina told police that someone stole her car. Logs indicated all car keys were accounted for and the vehicle doors were locked making this an actual crime.
• Jan. 18: Police responded at 1:14 a.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Piney Way. A 59-year-old apparent battleaxe was nicked for suspicion of disorderly conduct.
• Jan. 17: A citizen in the 2800 block of Fir told police that some music critic stole his guitar, guitar case and harmonica.
• Jan. 17: Police responded to a disturbance at 8:50 a.m. in the 300 block of MBB. A 58-year-old apparent loudmouth was cited for suspicion of disturbing the peace.
• Jan. 15: Police stopped a suspicious car at midnight in the 900 block of Surf. Ol’ Cinderella, 60, was nicked for suspicion of driving loose; her pumpkin turned into a cop car and she was delivered to the masquerade ball in the hoosegow, sans glass slippers and Prince Charming.
• Jan. 15: Police contacted a suspicious fellow at 10 p.m. in the 800 block of Market. The 29-year-old apparent swagman was arrested for suspicion of being schwacked on drugs.
• Jan. 14: Police took a courtesy report for the County Sheriff of suspected child abuse in Los Osos.
• Jan. 14: Police contacted a familiar foe at 10:09 a.m. at Morro Bay Boulevard and Monterey. The 53-year-old scofflaw had a warrant and was nicked.
• Jan. 14: Police took a report in the 2000 block of Main of a stolen catalytic converter off an innocent and unsuspecting parked pick-up truck.
• Jan. 14: At 3:38 a.m. to the 2900 block of Main where they towed off a vehicle for having false tags, a hanging offense in these parts.
• Jan. 13: At 4 p.m. police towed off a boat and trailer apparently shipwrecked for too long at Beach and Main.
• Jan. 13: Police responded to Albertson’s Market where someone found a tech Bonanza — four cell phones and a Tablet.
• Jan. 12: Police responded at 10 p.m. to a disturbance in the 800 block of Pacific. They arrested a 49-year-old mulish fellow violating a stay-the-hell-away from her court order and tossed him into the cooler.
• Jan. 12: A citizen in the 600 block of Morro Bay Blvd., said some scoundrel stole the catalytic converter off his Fix-or-Repair-Daily, F-350 truck.
• Jan. 12: Police responded at 11:37 a.m. to an accident at Kings and Balboa. Logs indicated a 53-year-old woman was injured when she crashed her bicycle and apparently kissed the pavement.
• Jan. 12: Police responded at 7:52 a.m. to Morro Bay High on Atascadero Road. Police took a report of trespassing, burglary and theft, which are not part of the curriculum.
• Jan. 11: Police responded to the 800 block of MBB where they took a report of illegal solicitation of a minor by a 21-year-old apparent cradle robber.
• Jan. 11: A citizen in the 500 block of Piney Way reported being the victim of the scourge of the 21st Century — identity theft. He said sime chisler bought a T-Mobile cell phone and started a service plan unbeknownst to him. He asked police to document the case for the collections agency and credit bureau and maybe if the good Lord’s willing, they’ll let him off the hook.
• Jan. 11: Police contacted a lady desperado at 3 p.m. in the 300 block of Quintana who had a bench warrant. Naturally she was cited and released with a second warrant to be. Just 15 minutes before, they came across a regular customer in City Park on Harbor Street who also had a warrant. He too was issued a disappearance ticket and unleashed back into decent society.
• Jan. 11: Police responded at 11:24 a.m. to Lila Keiser where they towed a car parked too long in the park, on Park Street.
• Jan. 11: Police took another theft report at the high school, which shouldn’t be a boggle, as MBHS is after all the Home of the Pirates not the Saints.
• Jan. 11: Police responded to a disturbance at 12:44 a.m. in the 1100 block of Main. Logs indicated a 61-year-old bent fellow was hauled to the gaol for suspicion of being deep in his cups.
• Jan. 10: Police responded at 4:41 p.m. to the 900 block of Pacific for a disturbance. Logs indicated they filed a report with County Adult Protective Services, as some apparent Nodcock has been mistreating an elderly person.
• Jan. 10: Police stopped a suspicious woman at 9:40 a.m. at Monterey and MBB. The 38-year-old apparent anarchist had five bench warrants. Still, she was cited and released, no doubt part of the catch-and-release job security program.