• Feb. 12: Police contacted a familiar scurvy dog down on The Embarcadero who had four bench warrants. He was locked in the brig for his transgressions and will no doubt soon walk the plank.
• Feb. 12: Police responded to a disturbance somewhere on the Embarcadero and found a 23-year-old lipspittle dingus with four bench warrants. He was tossed into the gaol until the judge can see him.
• Feb. 12: Police got another report of a disorderly gadfly raising a ruckus somewhere in town. Logs indicated they contacted a 23-year-old and nicked him for suspicion of drunk and disorderly conduct, no doubt where the tourists can see him, too.
• Feb. 12: Police stopped another suspicious vehicle at an undisclosed location and time. The driver, 46, was arrested for driving on a suspended license, suspended for DUI; and suspicion of possession a crack pipe.
• Feb. 11: Police responded to a disturbance in the 400 block of Monterey. Logs indicated a 28-year-old louse was nicked for alleged spousal battery.
• Feb. 11: Police were called to the scene on Quintana Road of a suspected drug overdose. Logs indicated they confiscated suspected illegal drugs found at the scene, an apparent case of better late than never.
• Feb. 10: Police responded to a disturbance in the 600 block of La Jolla. Logs indicated they arrested a 44-year-old mulish fellow who violated a stay-away court order.
• Feb. 10: Police responded to a reported robbery somewhere on Main Street. Logs indicated officers caught the scoundrel but the victim declined to press charges, an apparent case of “never mind.”
• Feb. 9: Police responded to City Park on Harbor Street for some schmoe acting a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Secret agent Double-O I.Q. got nicked for being schwasted in public and a bench warrant.
• Feb. 8: Police responded to a report of a suspicious subject behind the shopping center at 610 Quintana. Logs indicated the fruit-loop dingus first gave police a phony name, then let officers search him and of course they found “multiple narcotics violations.” Naturally, he was cited and released.
• Feb. 7: Police contacted a suspicious fellow in the 100 block of Main. Logs indicated the chap was nicked for suspicion of being on the razzle in public.
• Feb. 7: According to logs, at about 3:57 a.m. an unknown graffidiot tagged the outside of Spencer’s Fresh Market on North Main Street.
• Feb. 6: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle somewhere on Morro Bay Boulevard at an undisclosed time. The 23-year-old woman driver turned out to not have a license. She was cited, but her car got arrested, which seems a bit bass-ackwards.
• Feb. 6: Police responded to Napa Avenue for a reported disturbance. Logs indicated a 31-year-old woman was arrested for suspicion of burglary, making terrorist threats, crash-n-dash and of course being schnockered, which explains a lot.
• Feb. 6: Yet another annoying flesh monkey was contacted on Quintana Road and arrested on intoxifornication.
• Feb. 5: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle someplace on Main Street for a code violation. Logs indicated the dingus driver, 40, had a suspended license and, of course, no insurance, and got a ticket, which he’ll no doubt ignore.
• Feb. 5: Police were called at 12:11 p.m. to a disturbance on Pacific Street. Logs indicated the cause was a 14-year-old crankypated little imp behaving like a brat and screaming at her family.
• Feb. 5: Police responded at an undisclosed time to an undisclosed address on Main Street for a domestic dustup. Logs indicated a 67-year-old tool had violated a stay-the-hell-away court order, violated probation, and allegedly committed a kidnapping and domestic violence. The fooliot was tossed into jail because even duct tape can’t fix stupid.
• Feb. 4: Police responded to a disturbance on La Jolla Street. Logs indicated a 58-year-old ruffian was nicked for suspicion of domestic battery after he allegedly roughed up someone he was supposed to love , honor and cherish, and was also apparently placed on a mental health hold, suicide watch as he was a danger to himself or others.
• Feb. 3: Police responded at 8 p.m. to a reported intruder at St. Timothy’s Catholic Church on Kennedy Way. Logs indicated they didn’t know who’d trespassed against them, but didn’t want to be led into temptation for retaliation and would no doubt forgive them anyway. But God may not be so forgiving.
• Feb. 3: Police responded to a home on Anchor Street where some Mamaluke woman had broken into someone’s house while they were at home. She was cited for unauthorized entry into an occupied dwelling, a.k.a. trespassing, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• Feb. 3: Police contacted a suspicious fellow on Fairview Avenue who, of course, had a bench warrant. He was issued another disappearance ticket and released.
• Feb. 2: Police contacted a suspicious woman in the 900 block of Balboa who turns out had an out-of-county bench warrant and took her in to await a bus ride back to whatever rock she crawled out from under.
• Feb. 2: Police contacted yet another model citizen at the Creek Bed Estates on Quintana who had two bench warrants. He was issued a third ticket to ignore and allowed back into the wild.
• Feb. 1: Some apparent pacifist on Kings Avenue turned in some ammunition for police to destroy.
• Feb: 1: Some scoundrel stole the tags off a car on Atascadero Road, as the tourist tax is levied once again.
• Feb. 1: Police contacted another street yob, 30, on Quintana Road who had a trio of bench warrants and got benched into County Jail.
• Feb. 1: Police contacted a familiar face on Quintana Road. The 21-year-old budding anarchist had two bench warrants and was also found to allegedly be in possession of illegal drugs and paraphernalia.
• Jan 31: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at some undisclosed spot in town. The driver, a 27-year-old woman, was cited and released for driving on a suspended license.
• Jan. 31: Police responded to a disturbance at City Park on Harbor Street. Logs indicated they discovered a raucous woman, 65, going all woolly-booger and engaging in a load of nincompoopery. She was nicked for suspicion of being stultified in public and having three bench warrants.