• Jan. 28: Police responded to a home in the 800 block of Pacific Street where some swamp donkey had vandalized the place.
• Jan. 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle somewhere on Main Street. The 64-year-old lady driver was nicked for suspicion of driving schnuckered and was cited and released presumably to someone who wasn’t inebriated.
• Jan. 27: Police contacted a suspicious woman somewhere on Quintana Road. The 42-year-old probationer was determined to be unable to take care of herself — despite her age inferring otherwise — and hauled away for drunk and disorderly conduct and her probation violated.
• Jan. 26: Police responded to Main Street Antiques where some slime ball had broken in sometime between 5 p.m. Jan. 25 and 9:45 a.m. on the 26th.
• Jan. 26: Police responded to a disturbance on Napa Avenue. Logs indicated police arrested a 31-year-old woman for suspicion of aggravated assault against a man whose relationship to the battleaxe was not disclosed.
• Jan. 26: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle somewhere on Main Street. The 36-year-old driver, of course, had a suspended license and no insurance, so he was given the ol’ one-two punch.
• Jan. 23: Police contacted a suspicious woman who was reportedly trespassing on private property somewhere on Quintana Road. When police ran her name she, of course, had three out-of-county bench warrants and got took to jail.
• Jan. 24: Police contacted yet another suspicious chap in the 800 block of Olive. The 46-year-old model citizen had one arrest warrant, which landed him in the Parkinson Plaza, and becomes the latest example of why we need SWAT.
• Jan. 23: Police contacted a suspicious woman reportedly trying to break into McDonalds on Quintana Road. Officers discovered she had an arrest warrant and she was fitted for a pair of steel bracelets for the ride to face the music.
• Jan. 23: Police contacted another suspicious dingus, 30, hanging around on Main Street. This scofflaw had five bench warrants and was cited and released to no doubt go laugh his head off.
• Jan. 21: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle in the 1700 block of Main for some apparent code violation. Logs indicated the 23-year-old hombre driving was sent to the hoosegow for suspicion of driving on a toot.
• Jan. 21: Police contacted a woman suspiciously laid out on the sidewalk in the 300 block of Surf. Logs indicated the 41-year-old lass was drunk off her a**. She got arrested for suspicion of being smashed but apparently not for obstructing the sidewalk, as some things can no doubt be forgiven.
• Jan. 20: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle (sorry, logs didn’t give a time) in the 1200 block of Main. The 42-year-old woman driver got dinged for a suspended license, a hanging offense in Califreakornia.
• Jan. 19: Police were sent at 7:30 p.m. to a reported fight between three men in the 2400 block of Reno Ct. Logs indicated one of the apparent pugilists was poo-pooed and got arrested for suspicion of being tanked in public and possession of paraphernalia. No word on whether his missing stash started the fight.
• Jan. 19: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle somewhere on Atascadero Road with expired registration tags. Police investigated the woman driver, and then wrote her up for not having current tags and expired registration. She was cited and released but her car was arrested, which hardly seems fair.
• Jan. 18: Police were called to Albertson’s Market for a reported disturbance. Logs indicated they contacted some annoying flesh monkey who was allegedly clearly intoxicated and tossed him into the dungeon to sleep it off.
• Jan. 18: Police responded to Albertson’s Market where some apparent scamboogah had used the help-yourself line.
• Jan. 18: Police responded to an undisclosed address on Kern where some apparent Nodcock rode off with a bicycle. On the other hand, on Jan. 16 someone turned in a bicycle they’d found abandoned on Morro Cove Road, returning balance to the force.
• Jan. 18: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at an undisclosed location in town for some no doubt trumped up code violation. The 22-year-old driver got cited for a real neck-stretcher — a suspended license.
• Jan. 17: Police contacted a suspicious woman in the 300 block of Surf. The 79-year old had two bench warrants and was given a future third and released.
• Jan. 17: Police contacted a suspicious woman at 2:43 p.m. on Surf Street who had a bench warrant. While being arrested, police allegedly found illegal drugs and added it to her rap sheet.
• Jan. 16: Police were called to a disturbance at 10:47 p.m. in the 1000 block of Main. Logs indicated they contacted a 20-year-old fellow during what turned out to be a “family disturbance.” The scofflaw had three bench warrants and was cited and released with a new promise to appear and no doubt an order to shaddup already!
• Jan. 16: Police contacted a 45-year-old woman at 4 p.m. in the 500 block of Kings. Logs indicated she too was a naughty girl with a bench warrant and was issued another disappearance ticket and released to catch another day.
• Jan. 16: Police responded at 4:11 p.m. to a bit of nastiness in the 600 block of Quintana. Logs indicated police contacted a 30-year-old apparent jackanape regarding a report of a little indecent exposure. The officer reported observing that the fellow had “objective signs and symptoms of being under the influence of a controlled substance” and was nicked for being fit-shaced in public, possession of drugs and more.
• Jan. 16: Some citizen turned in a knife that he or she found sometime earlier someplace in town.
• Jan. 16: At 10:43 a.m. police contacted a suspicious fellow in the 400 block of Quintana apparently at the creek bed estates. The 30-year-old delinquent had four bench warrants and got hauled to the gaol to await an audience with the judge.
• Jan. 16: Police contacted a 30-year-old man at 9:41 a.m. in the 500 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the apparent anarchist had eight bench warrants and was arrested. A search of his “property,” no doubt packed neatly in a shopping cart, allegedly uncovered both drug paraphernalia and suspected fentanyl. Police added suspicion of possession of paraphernalia and illegal drugs to his long list of woes.