• May 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:35 a.m. on Quintana at Las Tunas. Logs indicated the 52-year-old driver’s license was suspended because of a previous conviction for driving on the razzle, which landed him in the hoosegow.
• May 27: Police responded at 11:19 p.m. to the Siren bar in the 800 block of Main where a schnuckered woman was causing some kerfuffle. The annoying flesh monkey, 46, was hooked up for suspicion of being too drunk not to go to jail.
• May 27: At 9:30 p.m. police contacted a suspicious fellow lurking in the Family Dollar store parking lot on Quintana. Naturally, the 55-year-old model citizen had a warrant and got cited again.
• May 27: Police swooped down on a man and woman at 7:40 p.m. in the 1200 block of Embarcadero. The felonious fellow, 28, was charged with suspicion of selling methamphetamine and possession of paraphernalia, plus several RSVPs from the judge. She, 24, was charged with alleged conspiracy to sell drugs and various other things you might not relish telling your parents.
• May 27: Someone in the 900 block of Morro Bay Blvd., reported a case of suspected child abuse.
• May 27: Police responded to the 400 block of Elena where they arrested a 77-year-old man for not registering as a sex offender, of which there are eight in Morro Bay currently listed on the Megan’s Law website.
• May 26: Police contacted a familiar dude, 38, at 2 p.m. in the 700 block of Harbor at City Park. The apparent moonraker, 38, had five bench warrants and was issued a sixth and released to pick up again in about 30 days.
• May 26: Police contacted an apparent squit at 8:15 a.m. in the Creek Bed Estates in the 700 block of Quintana who had a bench warrant. He got another disappearance ticket and was released.
• May 25: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9:18 p.m. on Hwy 1 at South Bay Boulevard. The 29-year-old driver had a felony warrant out of Kern County and he got taken to jail, yet another apparent case of arrive on vacation and leave on probation.
• May 15: Police logged a report of someone annoying or molesting a minor that apparently happened on the city beach back on Aug. 15, 2012.
• May 25: Police responded at 10:07 a.m. to a report of a woman causing a hoo-ha-ha at Monterey and Dunes. The 31-year-old disciple of Bacchus was nicked for suspicion of being drunk & disorderly.
• May 24: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:20 p.m. at Main and Quintana. Logs indicated the 37-year-old palooka driver was hauled to the gaol for allegedly driving polluted.
• May 24: Police responded to the 1100 block of Scott where some porch pirate stole a package of car parts.
• May 23: Someone reported a missing person from the 600 block of Quintana and police will no doubt move Heaven and earth to find them.
• May 23: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 4:11 p.m. in the 400 block of Quintana. Logs indicated the 42-year-old model citizen was arrested for suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, resisting arrest with violence, and possession of crystal meth, which explains a lot.
• May 23: At 10:40 a.m. in the 300 block of Quintana, police arrested another citizen of the year, 30, for suspicion of vandalism, assault and resisting arrest.
• May 22: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:25 p.m. at Main and San Jacinto. Logs indicated they could only get the driver, 23, for a suspended license, as he apparently passed the DUI sniff test.
• May 22: Police responded at 12:46 p.m. to the 800 block of Front St., where a boisterous woman was causing much ado. The apparent hellion, 65, was nicked for suspicion of being too drunk to care for herself.
• May 22: Police at the high school placed a juvenile boy or girl on a 72-hour mental health timeout.
• May 21: Some apparent graffidiot committed vandalism in the 1300 block of Clarabelle, and a posse was no doubt formed to hunt down the varmint.
• May 21: Police contacted a regular customer in the 300 block of Quintana at 9:30 a.m. The 32-year-old fellow had a warrant for which police issued a future warrant and set the scofflaw loose.
• May 20: Police responded to a home in the 800 block of Napa where the homeowner said some porch pirate stole several packages off their front stoop with a loss of $72.
• May 20: Police contacted a repeat customer at 2:49 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. The desperado, 38, had a warrant and since it was just one he was cited again and unleashed.
• May 19: At 11:30 p.m. at Embarcadero and Coleman Drive, police towed off some poor dingus’ red Dodge Ram truck to clear the “No Parking” zone for the Ironman Triathlon that took over half the town and started later that early morning. Earlier they towed off two vehicles in the 1200 block of Embarcadero for the same reason.
• May 19: Police responded at 7:45 p.m. to a single car crash in the 500 block of Dunes. Logs indicated the driver, 46, wasn’t physically injured, though his car will never be the same. Police nicked the fellow for suspicion of driving stoned and a little matter of no driver’s license.
• May 18: Police responded at 7 p.m. to the 400 block of Embarcadero where a woman said some apparent perv fondled her.
• May 18: Police responded at 3 p.m. to the Mobil Gas Station in the 900 block of Morro Bay Blvd. for a fight in the parking lot. Logs indicated they contacted both pugilists and a 66-year-old apparent ruffian was arrested for allegedly making a terrorist threat or some such nincompoopery.
• May 18: Police towed off an offensive trailer audaciously parked in the 700 block of Quintana, as the DMV had not been given its pound of flesh.
• May 18: Police responded to State Park Road where some tool stole a bunch of tools from a locked shed.
• April 30: Police logged a crime report back dated to April 30 regarding a suspected case of child abuse with great bodily injury or death in the 1200 block of Clarabelle.
• May 17: At 10 p.m. police arrested a 37-year-old man in the 1300 block of Clarabelle for violating a stay-the-hell-away court order and two contempt bench warrants.
• May 17: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:24 a.m. in the 1600 block of Main. The naughty fellow, 52, had a suspended license and got slapped with a ticket.
• May 16: Police at 2 p.m. in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd., arrested an apparent hooligan ruffian for alleged possession of a presumably concealed knife, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• May 16: Police responded at 10 a.m. to a business in the 800 block of Market for a reported commercial burglary.
• May 16: Police took a report from a mandatory reporter of suspected child abuse in the 2000 block of Bayview.
• May 16: Someone found something somewhere in the 500 block of Dunes sometime about 8 a.m. apparently left by some unknown someone.
• May 15: Police responded at 3:47 a.m. to a home in the 600 block of Morro Bay Blvd., where a woman had allegedly broken into an occupied home with nefarious intent. The apparent master criminal, 33, and her 38-year-old apparent partner in mischief were caught of course. He was charged with suspicion of being in possession of drug paraphernalia cited and released. The apparent mistress of evil was charged with suspicion of first degree burglary and hauled to the nick on a probation violation.
• May 15: Police contacted a suspicious subject at 2 a.m. skulking around Bottle Liquor in the 900 block of Main. Logs indicated the plod was arrested on suspicion of vandalism.