• June 5: Police responded at 2:10 p.m. to a car crash at Main and Pacific, the scene of much carnage over the years. No injuries were reported and no arrests made.
• June 4: Police were called at 6:15 p.m. to the Embarcadero at Harbor Street after someone found an apparently unaccompanied child. The candidates for parents of the year were apparently reunited with their wayward son.
• June : A citizen in the 2200 block of Main found an unspent 30.06-caliber bullet and wanted police to respond and pick it up, as apparently throwing it in the garbage was out of the question.
• June 4: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at the suspect time of 4:26 a.m. in the 2600 block of Main. Logs indicated the driver, 22, and passenger, 49, were both nicked. The driver got it for suspicion of driving zig-zagged. The passenger reportedly gave police a phonus balonus name and when they discovered the mamaluke’s true identity, found that he had two bench warrants, which of course led to a search and the alleged discovery of illegal drugs, paraphernalia and his being allegedly pie-eyed in public. The pair was checked into the County B&B.
• June 3: Police were contacted by a woman at 10 p.m. on Quintana Road who said she’d gotten a phone call from her boyfriend, who she has a restraining order against. An argument ensued and police determined she was possibly suicidal after some remarks she made and so placed a 72-hour hold on her.
• June 3: A citizen came to the stationhouse on Morro Bay Boulevard and said some larcenous swamp donkey stole his bike.
• June 3: Police responded at 1:18 a.m. to the 400 block of Morro Cove, where a citizen said he’d interrupted someone trying to steal the catalytic converter off his car, but the sneak thief got away.
• June 2: Police responded at 11:20 p.m. to a watering hole in the 900 block of Main where some apparently bent fellow, 38, reportedly committed a serious party foul and punched the bartender. The ruffian was apparently not done as police wound up charging him with suspicion of disorderly conduct, battery and resisting arrest.
• June 2: Police at the high school arrested an apparently choleric juvenile for allegedly making threats against a classmate.
• June 2: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 1:50 p.m. in the 1100 block of Monterey because it’d been more than six months since the owner last fed the DMV money monster.
• June 2: Police at 11:15 p.m. contacted a familiar scofflaw in the 600 block of Quintana who had six bench warrants. He was taken to the stationhouse but then cited and released, apparently not worth the gas to haul to Jail.
• June 2: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 8:53 a.m. in the 1100 block of Main. The driver, 31, was cited for “knowingly driving on a suspended license,” a hanging offense in California.
• June 2: Police contacted a suspicious fellow out at 2 a.m. on Quintana Road. Logs indicated the 33-year-old night owl was cited for a warrant and alleged possession of suspected illegal drugs.
• June 1: Police responded at 8:48 a.m. to a disturbance in City Park on Harbor Street. Logs indicated they contacted a raucous fellow, 37, who had a bench warrant and was allegedly deep in his cups, for as Confucius never said, “Stoned man with bench warrant, best to keep big mouth shut.”
• June 1: A citizen in the 2400 block of Greenwood said his or her mail was stolen and the thief had already committed check fraud.
• June 1: Police contacted a familiar foe, 37, at 2:49 p.m. in the 500 block of Quintana. The apparent squit had two bench warrants and was issued another disappearance ticket and released to nab another day. A few hours earlier and 2 blocks away on Quintana, officers contacted a familiar woman, 57, who also had two bench warrants and was given her third and let go.
• May 31: Police responded to the 700 block of Quintana at Rite Aid where a woman said some nefarious scalawag vandalized her car.
• May 31: Someone found suspected illegal drugs and gave them to police to destroy.
• May 31: Yet another catalytic converter was stolen, this time in the 400 block of Atascadero Rd., at the Buoy & Gull Trailer Park.
• May 31: Police responded at 1 p.m. to the 2600 block of Greenwood where a local resident had passed away.
• May 31: At 10:47 a.m. police caught up to a hoodlum with a warrant. The scofflaw, 40, was cited and released.
• May 30: A citizen in the 500 block of Piney reported theft by fraud, with the loss a whopping $3,009.
• May 30: Police responded at 12:30 p.m. to Bradley Avenue where another citizen reportedly passed away.
• May 30: At 10:13 a.m. police contacted a 52-year-old woman in the 400 block of Las Vegas who’d apparently gambled that police wouldn’t find out about her warrant. But craps, she earned another useless slip of nincompoopery.
• May 30: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:34 a.m. at Main and Morro Bay Boulevard, in the heart of the danger zone. The 24-year-old tomato was arrested for suspicion of driving stewed. She was released to a sober friend who picked her up and spared her the Hwy 1 walk of shame.
• May 29: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 9 a.m. at Morro Bay Boulevard and Morro Avenue for some code violation. Logs indicated the driver, 21, had a warrant, which apparently broke the camel’s back and he was hauled to the hoosegow.
• May 28: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 11:07 p.m. in the 1300 block of Main. Logs indicated the driver, a 46-year-old inebriated fellow was nicked for suspicion of driving full as a tick.
• May 28: Police responded at 8:30 p.m. to a report of someone having a bit of a breakdown on Quintana Road. Logs indicated a 36-year-old woman was given a 72-hour timeout “after cutting herself.”
• May 28: Police responded at 4:30 a.m. to the 500 block of South where they towed off an offending vehicle because the driver hadn’t given the DMV its pound of flesh.
• May 28: Police responded to the 400 block of Monterey at 1 a.m. after another local resident passed.
• May 27: Police responded at 11:53 p.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Main. An apparently bent young fellow, 24, was hauled to the gaol for suspicion of being drunk in public, for like they almost never say, “Just ‘cause it kills your liver, don’t mean it ain’t medicine.”
• May 27: Police at the high school reported that a student said he was choked into unconsciousness and suffered lacerations to his face, no doubt the work of some delinquent ruffian, sure to make the dean’s list.
• May 27: Police responded to the 200 block of Atascadero Road for a report of a runaway juvenile. Logs indicated they found the child who told police that he or she was the victim of abuse, which could probably explains a lot.
• May 27: A citizen on Tide turned over to police firearms that he or she was shooting to be rid of. Police will destroy the guns.
• May 27: Some unknown misbegotten knave vandalized a home in the 800 block of Shasta.
• May 26: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 10:49 p.m. on Atascadero Road. Logs indicated the 25-year-old lass was nicked for driving honked.
• May 26: Police responded at 8:45 p.m. to a reported family feud in the 500 block of Monterey. Logs indicated an incident report was written because — “Survey Says!” — what’s a little assault and battery between relatives, right?
• May 26: Someone turned in some ammunition they were aiming to be rid of.
• May 25: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 5 p.m. at Beach and Front. A 52-year-old fellow was tossed into the dungeon for suspicion of driving honkey-tonked.
• May 25: Police stopped yet another suspicious vehicle at 4 p.m. in the 900 block of Quintana. A woman driver, 27, got hauled away for suspicion of driving juiced.
• May 25: A business in the 800 block of Embarcadero reported getting a counterfeit $100, as the sure signs of tourist season arrive like the fog.
• May 25: And from the lost-found department… Someone in the 2600 block of Elm reported a missing person. On the other hand, someone in the 200 block of Main found something and gave it to police.
• May 24: At 11:38 p.m. police stopped to check a car parked on the shoulder of Hwy 1 at San Jacinto. Logs indicated they contacted a 72-year-old fellow who was just sitting in his car. He was of course arrested for suspicion of public intoxication, a case of being about six fries short of a Happy Meal.
• May 24: Police responded at 8:30 a.m. to the 1800 block of Sunset where some nodcock stole a catalytic converter off a vehicle, which earns the rather dubious title of “Crime of the Year” for its growing popularity.
• May 23: Police responded at 4:40 p.m. to the 2400 block of Main. Logs indicated they arrested a 27-year-old dingus on three felony warrants and suspicion of possessing fentanyl.
• May 23: Police contacted a suspicious woman, 28, at 2:20 p.m. in the 400 block of Quintana. Logs indicated she was cited and released for suspicion of possessing drug paraphernalia, and violation of Health & Safety Code No. 11350(a), which says, “Except as otherwise provided in this division, every person who possesses (1) any controlled substance specified in subdivision (b), (c), (e), or paragraph (1) of subdivision (f) of Section 11054, specified in paragraph (14), (15), or (20) of subdivision (d) of Section 11054, or specified in subdivision (b) or (c) of Section 11055, or specified in subdivision (h) of Section 11056…” whatever the hell that means.
• May 23: Police responded at noon to the area of Kings and Pacific where they towed off a vehicle for being parked in one place too long, a hanging offense in these parts.
• May 23: Someone stole something somewhere in the 500 block of Estero. An officer made note of the theft, which apparently wasn’t worth an actual crime report. Some other scoundrel stole something in the 3000 block of Ironwood. No word on what booty was pinched.